


Erase and rewrite

by Vofastudum



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Hiding, Hurt/Comfort, Memory Loss, Not Canon Compliant - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Protective Draco Malfoy, Second Chances, Starting Over, Temporary Character Death, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-08-04 09:58:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 52,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16344647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vofastudum/pseuds/Vofastudum
Summary: Draco escapes from the Manor with Hermione Granger's dead body in his arms. But she isn't as dead as he thought she was...Set during DH but differs a lot from cannon.





	1. Eliminate and resurrect

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing you can recognize!
> 
> Song rec for this fic: ZAYN ft. Sia- Dusk Till Dawn

 

Everything is silent…

like the sounds are muted…

Nothing moves…

like someone paused the world…

He stares at her… or what used to be her... The shell lying on the floor is no more her than the pictures in the paintings are his ancestors.

She has left the room… left the world… but he still doesn’t believe it.

So, he stands silent with the world and waits for a sign of life…

a rise of her chest…or a blink of her eye…

anything to give away she’s still here…

that there’s still hope.

But the seconds tick…and she’s still lying there… her hazel eyes closed, her wild hair partly on her face, marred with her own blood… the scar in her hand still dripping it… blood…crimson and pure…

Please… he whispers in his mind and finally briefly closes his eyes… Please bring her back.

Because he has no idea what he’s supposed to do now.

She has been nothing but an enemy, to him all these years at school…he has never exchanged two civil words with her… and yet…no one ever knew what her mere presence was for him.

She was the crack in the white marble tiles of his bathroom… She was the raindrop in a perfectly clear sunny day… She was the splinter in his otherwise clear vision… The imperfection in his perfect world… the only thing that made him question all he had ever been taught, without uttering a word.

But she has also been the candlelight in the pitch-black night… the lighthouse calling for a boat in the dark sea…  A beacon in the distance, telling him that not all was lost.

And now her fire was out.

He couldn’t deal with it!

All these years… ever since the Dark Lord rise again… He had done everything that was asked of him… everything from the stupid small things, like stealing from the library to the horrible deeds that can never be undone… he had done them all because that was the only road he saw for himself… but somewhere in the corner of his mind, he had always hoped for them… the golden trio…and the order… to prove his master wrong.

And she had been the shining star presenting his hope.

Because she was against everything the Dark Lord taught his followers to believe in.

Potter might be the chosen one… but she was the evidence… the reason the world even needed Potter in the first place.

He’d known it from the first time he saw her… and he’d hated her for that… Hated her with passion… and yarned her all the same.

And now... looking at her broken body on the floor…

he felt like he was going to die too.

Suddenly an image of her in the pile of bodies flashes his mind… she shouldn’t be burned like the other victims of the death eater rage… She was too pure…too important…to be disposed of like all others… she should be laid to rest somewhere with flowers in her hair and the people who loved her around.

There was nothing else he could ever have given her… but this he could give!

So, he raises his wand and casts a quick Stupefy to the only two persons in the room anymore: his parents.

And like in slow motion his feet carry him to her body… his hands pick her up, only to notice she was way too thin to be healthy.

She is in his arms…

she should have been there a long time ago…

maybe then he would have woken up…

maybe then he could have saved her…

Now, it was all too late.

He holds her petite form against his chest and apparates. 

.

.

.

He lands to the yard of his mother’s cottage.

Here he could possibly find a place to bury her facing the sunrise.

There is no way he'd be able to get her a proper burial… but at least she’d rest in a place…as beautiful as her.

But the moment his feet touch the ground, she inhales…

a breath of life rising her chest.

His heart misses a beat… and hope stirs in him once more.

Instead of burying her on the ground, he carries her inside and lays her down in the bed.

He’d never been much of a healer, but at least he could try to do his best.

Because if he did nothing, she was sure not to survive.

He still wasn’t quite sure how she could be alive…

she had been dead… long gone…

He was sure of it… Bellatrix too had been sure of it as she left the room.

Thinking of Bellatrix makes him think of the other Death Eaters in his house… they would find his parents soon.

Shit… He needed to do something…and he needed to do it fast!

“Dipsy!”

With a faint, Pop, his house-elf appears in the middle of the room.

“Yes, master!”

“Dipsy! I need you to listen very carefully!”

The elf had been his personal servant for as long as he could remember. Most times, especially when he was younger, he had been cruel and horrible towards it… only recently had he started to try and treat the elf with some respect.

Maybe it was because of Her too…

But the elves were loyal…and tonight he was going to put Dipsy’s loyalty to the ultimate test.

“I’m going to give you clothes.” He starts and realizes it was a mistake as the elf begins to cry,

“NONONONONONO, Master, please! Dipsy’s been a good elf! Dipsy never failed master! Dipsy always did his bidding! What has poor Dipsy done to deserve clothes?”

“Shut up Dipsy!” He snaps, and the elf immediately shuts her mouth, but her big eyes are still filled with tears.

“I asked you to listen carefully! Don’t interrupt me before I’ve stopped talking!” Maybe he was being overly cruel, but it was an emergency situation after all. “I’m going to give you clothes, but I hope you’ll continue to serve me. I’m asking, not forcing you to. It’s not because you haven’t done your job, it’s because I can’t risk other people calling you! I’m an outlaw now Dipsy… they are going to come after me… and she…” He glances at the girl in the bed, “She is going to be in danger until the war is done… maybe even after that… And she is in no condition to run… I… We, me and you Dipsy, we need to heal her… we need to make sure she doesn’t die…”

_Because I need her…_ He thinks, but won’t say out loud.

“Of course Dipsy will serve young master even as a free elf! Dipsy will be the best free elf! Dipsy promises…”

“Yes, I believe so.” There’s no time for babbling, he throws a sock at the elf and the tiny thing beams at him.

“What does master want Dipsy to do?”

“I want you to go to the manor and fetch me my things. Bring my school trunk, some clothes, whatever you can grab… Also, if you can get some healing gear with you, that would be great. But don’t let anyone see you! Then get Dobby to save the people from the dungeon…tell him Harry Potter needs help, that should do it.”

Dipsy only nods and then she’s gone.

He turns back to the girl, lying in the white sheets… she’s pale and the blood in her hair has dried, but the faint rise and fall of her chest tells him she’s still breathing.

Even if he doesn’t quite understand how that’s possible.

She was dead… he was sure of it…

She was already gone… and then she came back.

how was it possible?

.

.

.

He heals what he can, hoping it’s enough.

The small cuts and bruises are easy… but the scar in her hand, screaming: MUDBLOOD, to his face… doesn’t fade even a bit.

It makes him sick… staring at the word carved to her skin.

He’d called her that… more times than one…

Because it was what was expected of him.

He makes himself sick.

To get away from the accusation of her scar he gets up and wards the house.

No one really goes here anymore… they have more luxurious estates to spend their time in… even though no one goes there either.

No one escapes the war…

They used to come here in the summers when he was a child… him and his mother, when Lucius was on a business trip.

He doesn't recall his father ever being here with them…

But he does remember who was: Andromeda… His mother’s sister, who no one spoke of.

“This is our little secret Draco. You are never to talk about our visits here to anyone!” Mother had said.

And he had believed… pushed the memory of this place and of two sisters laughing together, in the back of his mind until it felt as if he’d dreamed it all along.

No one was going to look for him here… But he wanted to make sure…

just in case…

He was not going to let her die again!

Dipsy is back with his stuff… He takes the potion gear out, hoping his godfather could be here to tell him what would work the best.

But Severus too is too deep in the darkness.

Almost like Voldemort had killed his uncle Sev and replaced him with a puppet that only remotely looks like him… like his parents… like himself…

But he knows potions better than he knows healing charms… he trusts them more.

.

.

.

He doesn’t dare to leave the room… so he sits on the small couch keeping an eye on her… making sure she keeps breathing.

Once or twice he doses of and wakes up in panic, only to see she’s still sleeping…and breathing.

Finally, he calls Dipsy to look after the Girl and sleeps for a couple hours of uneasy sleep.

Rest of the night he sits next to her…wondering if there’s something more he could do for her.

In the early hours of the morning she opens her eyes.

He has no idea what he should say… But before he gets to think of anything even remotely clever, her confused face distracts him.

“You’re safe!” He blurts out the first thing that comes to his mind, “Don’t try to move! I’m not sure how badly you’re hurt!”

She looks at him and he has no idea what to make of the expression on her face.

She sits up in her bed and before he knows what he’s doing he’s standing beside her, to make sure she won’t get up before he’s sure she’s okay.

But she doesn’t even try to get up… instead, she puts her arms around him and buries her face into his abdominal.

“God, I’m so glad you’re here!” She mumbles against him. 

And even though he has no idea what’s going on… he soothes her messy hair and whispers: “It’s ok, you’re safe now…”


	2. Depart and return

A white mist surrounds the King's Cross station.

It's eerie silent… nothing moves.

She's standing on the platform in the middle of the mist with no idea how she got there.

She remembers the pain and the blackness… but nothing more… And suddenly she was here… in the deserted station.

This must be a dream… because the platform she stands on is 9 and ¾… and she is certain such platform does not exist in the real world.

That's a silly thing to dream about, she thinks.

But the place feels familiar… like she has been here before… some other time when it used to be full of life.

"Hermione Granger"

An old man appears from the mist… and he must be talking to her because no one else is around.

The name doesn't sound familiar though… but when she tries to think of some other name for herself she can't remember any… so she has to trust that's her name.

The man looks at her with twinkling eyes.

He looks as old as time itself… long beard and wrinkled face… but his eyes are clear and kind.

Suddenly she knows why she's here.

"Am I dead?" She asks…

not that she wants to ask it…but she has to know for sure…

and the answer already scares her like hell.

"What do you think?"

That's not the answer she was looking for!

She glances around and notices that there's a train waiting.

Was it there the whole time? She has no idea.

The train whistles…ready to leave…

"Will I be if I board?"

The man smiles at her… "You were always known for your quick wit."

So, she's dead… coldness surrounds her and chills her bones.

How did she die? She has no memories.

What was she doing before coming here? No idea.

Was she happy? Or miserable? Or maybe afraid?

How was her life?

She has nothing…

How can she die, if she has no memory of her life? Of what she'll leave behind?

What if something left unfinished?

But the train feels calling… familiar… she feels like she should board.

Just let go and leave...

Just as she is about to make a decision and take the steps needed to get in something stops her… like someone was calling for her from the other end of the station.

She turns around… and sees him.

A boy she knows… but can't put a name on.

He's standing there looking almost desperate.

His blond hair is messed and face white… worn… almost beautifully broken.

And she wants to go to him… because he feels like warmth… like in his arms she would be safe… Like with him the thought of death wouldn't feel so bad.

"Please…" He whispers but she hears him loud and clear, "Please come back…"

She can't see from this distance, but she remembers he has grey eyes… Like silver storm… When she thinks of them she remembers that's the last thing she saw before the world went black… his eyes, filled with desperation and horror… She remembers wanting to call for him.

Maybe he's the one who needs her… maybe he's the reason she shouldn't board the train.

She has no name for him… but she feels he's hers.

What if he loved her and she was going to turn her back to him and just leave?

What if her leaving would kill him too?

He looks so beautiful… and so sad and torn… he shouldn't look like that… he should smile.

She has no memory of his smile… but she desperately wants to see him smile.

He lifts his hand, like calling for her… And she knows if she takes it… he'll be safety…he'll take her out of here.

The train behind her whistles again… but she already knows what she's going to do.

So, she walks up to him, and takes his hand…

And he turns and leads her away from the platform…

into the light.


	3. Retain and rephrase

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your reviews, kind words and kudos!  
> Here's some more story for you!

She inhales the light… and opens her eyes.

At least she is not on the platform anymore… but lying in a bed with white sheets.

The thoughts bounce in her head like wild rabbits:

What happened?

Where am I?

What am I doing here?

Where was I before the platform?

Why can't I remember anything?

Where is he?

She turns her head…and relief fills her… because he's still here.

He's here… and all she wants to do is to put her arms around him.

So, she sits up in her bed and with hasty strides, he's next to her…. the moment her arms can reach she hugs him close.

"God, I'm so glad you're here!" She mumbles against him.

Because she is… so glad he's here!

Because if he wasn't she wouldn't know what she'd do.

She was dead…and he brought her back.

He's her safety…

He soothes her hair and whispers it's going to be alright… that she's safe now.

She knows she is…because he's here.

But she still doesn't even remember his name… and has no memory what happened before she got to the platform.

Suddenly a wave of emotions hit her like a tsunami.

She feels scared and lost and relieved and safe, all at the same time… it 's just a little too much.

So, before she can stop herself, she's crying against him.

Sobbing hysterically, her tears wetting his clothes.

"Hey," He sits beside her on the bed and she clings to him, crying against his chest.

"Are you hurt?" He asks and she realizes he's trying to break her hold, probably to see if she's injured.

She has no idea if she's injured… But now that she thinks about it she realizes that yes, she's actually hurting all over.

She was just so glad she was alive and that he was here that she really didn't have time to think about it before now.

But the pain is not why she is crying…

So, she tries to get herself together, lets go of him and leans a little further to look into his concerned eyes…

Just like she remembers them to be.

Why does she remember his eyes… when all else seems to be covered in thick black smoke?

"I don't remember much of anything…" She tells him, looking down to her hands.

He doesn't say anything for a while.

She lifts her eyes.

"What do you remember?" He finally speaks with a low quiet voice.

She shakes her head… "I remember… pain… and blackness…. and then I was on a platform… 9 and ¾ which is completely silly… and an old man… he told me I'd be dead if I boarded the train… And I wanted to… but then you were there… calling for me… and I couldn't just leave you there… so you took my hand and I woke up here…"

He looks at her with wide eyes, but she continues, "But before the platform… I have no idea where I was… what I had been doing… who I was with… and you… I remember you… but not your name… not even my own name…"

"Granger." He says immediately, "Your name is Hermione Granger."

She only nods, because the name doesn't feel like her name… She has no memory of anyone ever calling her that.

"You need to sleep." He then tells her… "Maybe it'll come back then… here…" He offers her a vial of clear liquid… she looks at him questioningly.

"It's…" He pauses, "It'll help."

And of course, she trusts him!

"Will you stay?" She asks and pours the liquid down her throat.

He nods, "I won't be far…"

"I hope I remembered your name…" She mumbles already feeling the sleep take over.

"It's Draco…"

She hears him… even if she falls asleep only a second after.

.

.

.

He watches her as she sleeps… hoping there was something more he could do for her than just wait… Hoping and fearing that the next time she wakes she'll remember...

Because when she remembers she won't want him close anymore.

When she remembers she'll know it was all just a dream… that he's not… He's not someone she wishes to comfort her.

When she remembers… she'll hate him again… and then all of this will be easier…and harder… he doesn't really know.

"Draco…"

She's awake… laying on her side and looking at him with serious eyes.

At least she now remembers his name.

"Would you… do you want to come here?" She whispers.

He does…want to…

And he really doesn't know what else to do… so he walks to her bedside.

What harm is there? He wants to be close to her… and she seems to want him close to her… so why fight it?

If she regrets it when she remembers, at least he can tell her she asked for it.

She moves to make room for him.

If it was a normal situation, he would never in a million years do what his about to do now...

but he'd thought he'd lost her…and the feeling is still there… burning him up.

The desperation he felt when she was gone...

So he joins her… but doesn't lie down… He sits against the headboard and lifts his legs up to the bed.

And she… she lies her head to his lap.

Like it was the most natural thing in the world…

Like he was Potter or Weasley… like they'd been friends forever… like his presence comforted her.

And she tells him:

"I remember the platform… 9 and ¾ … like I've been there as a little girl… I remember a castle, that I've watched from a small boat floating on a black lake… I remember red and gold… and a feeling of home… I remember the magic, Draco… real magic… and a dog turning into a man… I remember doing something bad for my parents so that they left me… I remember fearing for my life… but people I have no memory of… no faces, no names…" She pauses "are these dreams or memories?"

He can't see her face when she talks…she's facing away from him… so there's no way of telling how she is feeling about all of this.

"Memories…" He mutters.

"Of magic?" She asks.

"The train leaving from platform 9 and ¾ takes you to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry…"

She's silent for a while.

"I'm magical?" She whispers.

"Yes."

"Are you?" She turns to look at him.

He nods.

"What did I do to my parents?" Her eyes go wide with horror.

But there's no answer he can give her.

"I don't know…"

There's a lot he can't answer…because he doesn't really know her… he never did… And there's no way he can tell her she was an insufferable know-it-all… at least that's what he had called her… even if he really didn't think she was.

He doesn't want to tell her they weren't friends… that he really didn't know her…and she didn't know him.

She rises to sit in the bed… and makes a face… she must be hurting.

He almost tells her to lie back down…

"Draco…" She looks at him with serious eyes, "Did I really die?"

"I don't know…" He says again.

Because he doesn't.

"How did it happen?"

This, he can finally answer… even if he doesn't really want to.

"There's a war…Between light and dark wizards. You were a warrior of the light… they caught you… and tortured you for information."

She shakes her head… "I just don't remember… anything! It's like I can't even understand what you're telling me… I can't picture myself in the situations you're saying I've been…"

She lowers her head to his shoulder… "I feel exhausted… like there's nothing left of me…and none of what you say makes sense."

"It'll come back…"

"What if it won't?"

"It will…"

A little later she falls asleep again… leaning on to him… and he really doesn't want to move… so he puts his arms around her and rests his head against the headboard.

.

.

.

She doesn't know what's wrong with her… but she can barely walk to the toilet from her bed… her legs are shaking and she's aching all over.

He tells her he doesn't know either...

But he gives her a potion for pain… and tells her she needs rest… Then he sits in her bed… with his arms around her… and tells her about the wizarding world… fills her in with all the information she has lost.

He tells her about Hogwarts… about the houses and the teachers… About the Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade… about spells and charms… about the war… The Death Eaters and The Order Of The Phoenix…

But he doesn't talk about people… not about their friends or families… or past events… about their school years before the war.

"I remember you…" She tells him… "I know I told you I don't remember faces… but I remember yours… from the train… in the great hall… I remember wanting to defend you… and also wanting to punch you… I remember you looking scared and torn… and I remember your eyes… just before I died…"

He goes silent then… doesn't say a word for a long time… For so long she thinks she shouldn't have told him that.

"No one else?" He finally asks… and she shakes her head.

no one else…

.

.

.

He sits on the edge of her bed…

It's been a week.

Every day he's afraid they'll find them… Even when he knows Dipsy's wards are much better than any wizards.

She was afraid of Dipsy at first… Until Dipsy comes and tells her about house-elves and he tells her about S.P.E.W.

Then she laughs… and seeing her laugh is like the sunshine after the storm.

"Well, that's a silly idea…" She mocks herself and laughs a little more.

Her laugh lights the room…

And his soul…

"I thought so too…" He mutters and tries not to smirk.

"Why didn't anyone tell me, it's a stupid idea!"

"I think they did…"

"Who?"

And the light is gone.

The moment he's been fearing has arrived… She has asked about the people…

And he has to tell her… has to find the words to explain why he has kept them from her for days.

Truth be told, he did send Dipsy to find them… planned on bringing them here to get her… but Dipsy couldn't find them… or even Dobby, who had been sent to save them.

So, he didn't want to tell her about them…not before he was sure they were still alive and kicking…

But now he has to…

She has sat up and touches his arm lightly.

He closes his eyes.

How stupid was it of him… to think he could keep it from her… to hope that if she didn't remember, he could keep her a little bit longer.

That she would look at him… like she cared for him…

That she would sleep in his arms…

That she'd find comfort in him…

Just a little while longer.

But no…

So, he looks at her… "Harry Potter and Ron Weasley… your best friends…"

She remains silent… but doesn't pull away.

And instead of asking more questions she puts her hand on top of his and flips it around revealing his dark mark.

Like an impulse, he tries to cover it… but she holds on… Making them stare at the ugly tattoo… that makes him so ashamed.

And then she puts her own hand forward and shows him the mark of her own… the mudblood scar, still angrily red, carved in her skin.

"We were on the opposite sides of the war, weren't we?" She whispers.

Maybe she remembered…or maybe she just somehow put it together.

She was known to be clever after all.

He wants to lie… to tell her no…

But under her intense gaze… her hand finding its way to his arm...

He can't.

So, he slowly nods… But he badly wants to tell her he's not anymore!

That he wants to be on her side… not on the side of the dark or light…on hers!

"But you're here…" She's still looking at him… she still hasn't withdrawn… "You brought me here… When you thought I was dead? why?"

"They would have burned your body…I… I couldn't bear the thought…"

"What did you do?"

He doesn't dare to look at her… "I stunned them…and escaped…"

"Just to bury my body?"

He nods again.

Silence falls… and he stares at his mark… wishing he could take it back… wishing there was something he could say to make her stay.

"Draco…" She breathes out so silently he barely hears… but he still turns to look at her.

She puts her hand on his mark…and the way she looks at him makes him feel like she can see right through to the darkness surrounding his soul.

"Do you know what these are?" She nods to the marks in their arms.

"Verdicts…" He mutters bitterly.

But she shakes her head.

"They are the past…"

The look in her eyes is soft… but determined.

"You risked everything, for my dead body… and then you brought me back… and all I can remember is how good you've been to me… so whatever we were in the past…" She laces her fingers with his… "Is in the past… and the future… is for us to decide."

He always thought she couldn't be real… when she was a mudblood who beat him in every test… when she was a lower breed who grew up to be more beautiful than any of the pureblood girls… When the presence of her made him think that maybe what he had been taught was not the truth after all.

She is clever and beautiful, and he does not deserve her kindness… not even a bit.

And he is sure that if she remembered all the horrible things he'd done…and all the cruel words he had spoken… she wouldn't just hold his hand and tell him the future was theirs to decide.

But her hand is warm in his…and her eyes captivating…

and he desperately wants her words to be true.


	4. Approximate and abduct

She studies him… She doesn't think he notices.

He probably thinks she's sleeping most of the time.

But she looks at him… because she really doesn't know him.

She has… feelings… about him…

But she doesn't know him…

Because she has no real memories of him… from before… only these of the last two weeks.

And what she gathered…from the things he has said…even if she remembered him…she wouldn't really know him.

He's always worried… when he's not telling her about the wizarding world, he sits in silence… buried in his thoughts.

Every single sound makes him flinch…sometimes he jumps up and rushes to the other room to look out of every window.

Sometimes he even calls for Dipsy and makes the elf check the surroundings…

He doesn't tell her what he's so worried about… because after two weeks it seems unlikely anyone would come here looking for just him.

That's why next time she wakes up, and he's not in the room she stumbles into the kitchen.

It's late...

He's sitting by the kitchen table, head in his hands.

She knows he carries something… a burden he won't talk to her about.

And sitting there now… he looks so broken and lost.

He acts like he's so brave… or maybe even indifferent...when he's with her…

But she can tell it's just for show.

He wants her to think things are even remotely okay.

She wishes there was something she could do to make him feel better.

The moment she enters the room his head snaps up.

"Granger!"

She rolls her eyes… balancing herself against the kitchen counter… "Hermione!"

She still is not sure why he keeps calling her that.

No matter how many times she corrects him he still calls her Granger.

And truth be told… she kind of likes it…

Because even when she corrects him… her name still feels foreign on her mouth.

Somehow, when he growls 'Granger'... that name makes sense... She has no idea why.

"You shouldn't be up." He says as he gets up to help her sit on the chair.

"Sorry, mom."

"Honestly!" He growls, "Since I still don't know what's wrong with your feet... you shouldn't just start and put them in test"

"Draco," They both sit, and she puts her hand on his shoulder, "I'm fine… it's just a few steps… and it hasn't gotten worse"

It's the fatigue he's talking about… Her feet just won't hold… It doesn't get worse… but it isn't getting any better either.

Otherwise, she's fine… just memoryless and so fricking tired!

But if she needs to lie in that bed one more day she thinks she's going crazy!

"Are you hungry? I'll get Dipsy to make you something."

"I'm fine… just needed to get out of that room!" She huffs, "I wish we could go outside…"

"No" His response is so immediate she's not sure he even heard what she said.

She glances at him sideways.

He's staring out of the window… bows furrowed…

"Can you tell me what it is, you're expecting to attack us?" She tries softly.

"No…" He doesn't look at her.

"Draco…" She puts her hand on his and he stiffens, "I'm not some fragile thing you should keep away from anything unpleasant…"

He had told her she fought a war… guess it's safe to say she can handle whatever it is that causes him distress.

"Look," He turns to look at her… and the lost boy he was, sitting here before she entered still shines from his eyes.

"I don't know half of it! I have no idea what you were doing before… before I brought you here… I don't know who might be looking for you…" He shakes his head…

"Hey," She squeezes the hand she still holds to get him to stop his panicked outburst, "I'm dead, remember? Why would someone look for me?"

"I don't know!" He snaps.

She wants to smile at him… to hug him close and tell him it's fine… that no one will look for them… But she has no idea if that's the truth.

"And I've been trying to get Dipsy to find your friends… but they're nowhere to be found! I can't believe those dunderheads even manage to hide without you!"

She stares at him.

This she didn't know… He had been trying to find her friends?

She tries to think how she feels about them getting here…finding her…

Then she looks at him…and thinks of leaving him behind.

Leaving with someone she doesn't know… just because they were her friends… back then… like in another life…

Leaving his warmth.

She imagines his hands around her… his hushed voice speaking to her like every word was a secret… shared for only her.

If she'd be given an option now… to stay with him here or to leave with them… She wouldn't even have to think twice…

She'd stay… with him… without a second thought.

Suddenly her head spins… she blinks her eyes.

"What?" He asks and leans closer to look at her.

She doesn't know how he can observe her so closely and act completely indifferent… both at the same time.

How does he immediately know when there's something wrong with her?

"Nothing… I think I just need to lie down again for a bit…"

Black dots swim in her vision… but she still stands up.

It's not like he has to save her all the time… it's just a few steps… surely she can manage!

Next thing she knows is him catching her before she hits face first to the ground…

And then she's in his arms, held against his chest… listening to the steady beat of his heart.

He lowers her to the bed... And the moment his warmth leaves her, she feels like a chill running through her.

So she grabs his hand before he pulls too far.

"don't go..." she whispers.

His eyes lock with hers.

He looks concerned...and as tired as she feels.

It's not like him to stay...she knows it.

Usually, he sits with her...lets her fall asleep in his arms and then moves to sleep on the couch.

He probably thinks she doesn't wake when he leaves...

But she does...every time.

And every single time she wishes he wouldn't...that he'd stay...

that she could sleep the whole night...wrapped in his warmth.

But he won't... He never lies down...and never stays.

Now he leans over her...her hand still on his...her plea hanging in the air.

"please stay..." she breathes out...her lips barely moving.

So slowly...like still calculating his every move...he slightly nods.

But when he lies down next to her...and she snuggles against his chest...he whispers "you're going to regret this when you'll remember."

She doesn't argue...because she knows it won't change his mind... Because even when she argues...he still thinks she'd remember something that'll drive her away.

She seriously doubts that.

After a while, he wraps his arms around her...

And she...she lifts her head and presses her forehead against his cheek... "promise me you won't leave when I've fallen asleep.."

He squeezes her harder against him.

.

.

.

He doesn't leave...

not after her breathing slows down and she falls asleep...not after the sleep starts to take a hold of him too.

He almost decided that he wouldn't do this...that he wouldn't get this close...no matter how she asked.

Because he's still sure...sure, that when she remembers, she'll be sorry this ever happened.

But when she looks at him with her innocent eyes...there is no denial in him.

He has always been selfish... And the yearning to be close to her is so strong...so much stronger than his willpower to stay afar.

When she presses her nose to his cheek and breaths her plea for him to stay...

There is no power in the world that could make him deny her.

.

.

.

She wakes up to him tossing around restlessly.

"Draco..." she whispers trying softly to wake him up.

He doesn't...but keeps on moving.

"No!" he mutters, "not her..."

"Draco! Wake up!"

She shakes him now.

He turns his head to her and snaps his eyes open.

He stares at her...blinking like he can't quite believe she's there.

She puts her hand to his cheek... "it's okay...it was just a dream."

He blinks again slower this time.

"God, Granger."

He pulls her close...and buries his face to her hair.

She holds onto his chest...squeezing them closer to each other.

"it's okay..." she whispers again and again... So many times she isn't sure anymore who she's actually trying to calm down...him...or herself...

After a while, he pushes her a little further...so that they're facing each other.

Silence falls...

She studies him.

And he lifts his hand and caresses her face...runs his fingers from her forehead to her jawline.

For a split second, she thinks he's going to kiss her.

An image of his lips on hers flash her mind...and her heart speeds up.

But his hand drops to the bed between them and the moment's lost.

.

.

.

In his dream they were found...she was ripped away from his arms and he could do nothing.

Then she shakes him awake.

And she's here again...she's fine again.

He touches her face...just to make sure...graces his fingers on her flawless skin...just to feel she's still real and not a product of his imagination.

Sometimes when he watches her sleep he fears...that this is just some dream...a hallucination...that she's really dead and he...he lives here...thinking she is real, when she is just a ghost of the memory.

Then she wakes up...smiles at him...and he believes she's real again.

Now with his fingers feeling her skin he knows she's here...and for that moment he needs to resist the urge to kiss her...

to capture her lips with his...to drown into her...

to feel her alive...and here...with him.

But no...

Girls like her are not for the boys like him!

So he lets his hand drop.

They lie like that for a long while...facing each other...

"tell me about the dark Draco..." she whispers.

He shakes his head slightly...no...

"At least tell me what you're so afraid of? Who do you think will come for us?"

It's so hard for him to deny her...anything...

He doesn't want to tell her no...doesn't like the disappointed look in her eyes...

But giving in would mean he couldn't take it back anymore.

"Probably no one..." he mutters...failing to sound too convincing.

"You think I believe that?"

No, he doesn't... Can't blame him for trying though.

"How can I help you if I don't know what we're up against?"

"You don't have to be up against anything..."

He doesn't want her to be up against anything!

And if there was any way he could keep her from all dangers...he would.

But even without her memories...this is Hermione Granger...and somehow he has a feeling she is not going to take no for an answer.

"You can't keep me here forever...there will come a time when you have to tell me anyway..." her voice is still soft...like she knows he's going to give in.

And she's right...

And he hates it!

They're silent for a while...Her eyes are serious and capturing...trusting... He doesn't think anyone has ever looked at him with such faith.

She deserves the truth.

"The day I got you here...you were not the only one being captured...your friends...Potter and Weasley too..."

"were they..." she starts but he cuts her off...

"They were locked up...only you got tortured...but...when I got you here I made Dipsy get help for your friends... But I have no idea if they managed it...Like I told you before, Dipsy has not been able to find them...but if they got away...there is no way they won't know it was me...and if they think I got Potter out...there's no way they're going to let me get away with it alive."

"Why? What's so special about him?" she has taken his hand again.

And he has to tell her...they're her friends...she deserves the truth.

"There's a rumor...a second-hand knowledge that Potter is the chosen one...the one to vanquish the Dark Lord... For the last half a year, you haven't been to school...Potter or Weasley or you...and most people think...you're on some secret mission that has something to do with Potter being the chosen one..."

"What do you think?" she asks.

"Given what I know of you...it has to be something darn important..."

"How come?"

It's almost funny how she has no idea what she thought of education in the past years.

"You used to think it was worse to get expelled than killed..."

Her eyes go wide..."no..." But there's slight amusement in her voice.

He has no idea how he remembers such a thing.

"No one is supposed to know about this place..." he continues, "Only my mother... I'm fairly sure she'd do anything for me...but..." His voice cracks...he hopes she doesn't notice.

"But you're afraid they'll do something to her if they knew she knows something..." she states...as if she knows him.

But she's right...so he nods slightly.

"this house is warded...but I just can't..."

He feels lost... For so long he did everything in his power to keep his mother safe... As long as he could remember he tried to keep her from harm...even when he was a little boy...but the darkness swallowed her... Both of his parents...and Sev...and his friends...and him...whole...surrounded them with choices...each worse than the last... And the bottom line was always: do what you're told to or everyone you hold dear will suffer.

And now he has nothing left...

But her...

His parents might be dead already for the things that he did.

"Draco..." her hand is on his cheek again...warm and comforting..."Tell me..."

And because she is warmth and comfort...he does... He tells her about the dark... About the ever-looming threat...about never knowing what their lord wanted them to do next...about the fear for his loved ones.. about the belief that obeying was the only way to keep his family safe...that there was no out...

About the things he had done...he still stays silent... But fears she can still hear them in his words.

She listens...and her hand never leaves his.

When he stops she has tears in her eyes..."And you left that all behind..."

Suddenly her reaction makes him irritated... he doesn't need her pity!

"because of you...yes...because that makes it all right..." he spits out, his voice dripping with irony...Wanting her to understand that one good thing doesn't make a coward like him a hero!

"no..." she states..."you didn't do it for me!"

"yes, I did..."

"no...I was already dead... You didn't know you were saving me... I was just an igniter...the fire is all in you!"

"don't try to make me a hero when you have no idea what I have done!"

"Fine, if you stop hating and torturing yourself over the past!"

She was infuriating...why couldn't she see that he was no good!

It was an impulse that brought her here...nothing more...especially not some miraculous change of heart that makes all his wrongs right.

"I'm no good to be around!"

"So you keep saying and yet I still want you around! It's not like someone has been forcing me!" she sits half up...speaking in a heated almost angry voice.

"You are not competent to say that without your memories!" he stares at the ceiling and grits his teeth.

"Not competent?! God, Draco listen to yourself! It's not like I've lost my mind!"

"Could have fooled me..."

"Why are you being such a part!?"

"there it is! See?" he lifts himself so that they are nose to nose...only inches apart..."I'm not a nice person!" he hisses to her face.

"Get over yourself!" she spits.

He falls back down to the bed...

"I can't wait for you to get that know-it-all attitude back! This you who wants to see the good in everyone is too foolish for her own good."

"Look who's talking!"

He turns his back to her...they're done talking!

"You're unbelievable!" she mutters but he feels her lie back down and turn her back to him.

Good, maybe that'll hammer some sense into her...

or him...


	5. Find and forfeit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your kudos and nice words make me so exited and thankful! Thank you for your support! Kisses!

She wakes up to the faint light of the morning.

He's still here...despite their fight last night...sitting against the headboard, reading a book...

Hogwarts A History...

She studies him a while.

The light makes him look fair...transparent...almost like he was a ghost.

At the moment he looks peaceful...completely sucked into the other dimension offered by his book.

He's beautiful...there's no denying...

but, it is the cracks...the darkness in him...the way he is so tough yet so broken...That she finds enthralling.

But it's the darkness that weighs him down too...she thinks.

It's the darkness that makes him so condemning over himself...that makes him feel so guilty.

She wishes she could take away even some of his guilt...but he's stubborn as hell, it seems.

And there is no way for her to convince him...

not without her memories.

As long as she doesn't remember...he'll never believe her.

She hates it!

But deep down she also understands.

"Can you read aloud?" her voice is quiet...just a whisper.

But he hears her... glances her...and starts to read.

She loves his voice... it's quiet and clear...a low murmur that soothes her.

The way he reads...or tells her stories...makes her feel privileged...like what he told...was meant just for her.

He reads her about Hogwarts...and even though she knows what he reads is true...it sounds like a story.

"It feels like a fairytale..." she tells him after a while, "like a dream I had a long time ago..."

"You remember more?" he asks... hopeful...

But she shakes her head..."no..."

He puts the book down.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you..." he mutters so quietly she barely hears.

"it's okay, "

"it's not..."

He isn't looking at her...but staring ahead...peacefulness gone.

"Why don't you let me be in charge of that?"

"You don't know..." he starts once more.

But she is not having this conversation again...so she cuts him off "l know I don't know about the past...but for now...it's okay!"

That silences him.

She studies his face...wanting to learn to know him better so that she could tell what he is thinking.

"Can you teach me to get my magic back?" she finally asks.

He turns to look down at her...his silver eyes are dark and sorrowful.

"You'd need a wand."

"Can't I borrow yours?"

"It's not that simple...a wand chooses a wizard...mine probably won't work well with you..."

"Oh, " she pretends that she understands.

"I'm not saying you can't try it...but it would be better if...Dipsy!" she flinches because he has raised his voice to call for the elf.

"Yes, master?" Dipsy appears beside the bed.

"Can you find a wand for Granger?"

The elf looks thoughtful, "Dipsy thinks is better if Miss tries wands to know which fits!"

"Yes I know but we don't have a chance for that here..."

"Not to worry Master!" Dipsy suddenly squeaks, "Dipsy will see what Dipsy can do!"

"Yes, you do that. Thank you!"

But the elf is already gone.

"I could swear it doesn't want to hear a thank you..." he mutters...and she chuckles...because that was exactly what she thought too.

In the afternoon Dipsy returns with a handful of wands.

"Dipsy chose a few for Miss to try!"

The elf lays the sticks on the bed.

She admires them... Others slender and delicate while the others thick with handles full of fine ornaments.

"Where did you find these?" He asks next to her...

She glances at him...he's further in the room, looking thoughtful...looking at the wands with furrowed bows.

"Did you steal them?" he throws the elf a stern look.

"No, no Master! Never steal! Master asked wands for Miss to try and Dipsy got a marvelous idea!" the elf seems to do a little jump of excitement, "Dipsy thought: Where could she find wands for Miss to try...where could she look...and then Dipsy figured it! Dipsy went to hospitals! Fine wizards and witches die there every day! So Dipsy went to where they keep the wands that the dead leave behind!"

The small creature looks like it could burst of excitement!

She smiles at it and suddenly she understands why she must have thought the elves needed her to save them...Dipsy was so kind and helpful...some wizards would probably take advantage of that.

"Thank you, Dipsy!" she smiles at the elf, who bows deeply and disappears.

He looks worried still… She doesn't quite know what to think of that… and she's not sure she should ask...

So she stays quiet…even if her fingers itch to touch the wands… to get to try… if she's still magical… if it's still in her.

"Is there a problem?" after what feels like hours she has to ask.

His eyes find hers as if he'd just woken up… like he was so deep in thought he just realized she's still in the room.

"I'm not sure…" He finally says… slowly… weighting the words… "I have no idea what happens to a wand when it's owner dies… you can win a wands alliance… but…"

"Alliance?" She feels confused again… he speaks like a wand is a living person.

So, he explains… patiently… how the wands work… how you own them…or win them.

She stares at the ones laid in front of her… someone had owned them… maybe done great things… good? bad?... what if the wand that best fit her had been in evil hands before… does a person make a wand evil? or a wand a person?

She yearns to know more.

"I need books…" She mutters.

But he hears her… and smirks at her… almost playfully.

His eyes glint.

It makes her heart skip a beat.

"What?" She asks… amused by the look on his face.

"You and books… that'll never change?"

And then his smirk turns into a real smile…

He smiles at her!

And she feels like her heart fills with sunshine.

After seeing him so sad…so surrounded by darkness… his smile… makes her forget how to breathe… fills her with feelings she has no names for.

Just like on that cold misty platform… he is her warmth… he is her light…he is hers.

And she still remembers… how she would have given anything to see him smile then… in death…

and now… she'd give anything to keep him smiling.

She wants to kiss him… so badly it's like a physical ache in her chest… Wants to lay her lips on his smile and…

"Well, why don't you give it a try?"

For a brief moment, she thinks he has read her mind.

But then he points at the wands ahead of her… and she realizes he's talking about them.

"What should I do?"

"Just wave them… I guess we'll see."

She straightens her back… And looks at the wands.

None of them calls for her.

In her eyes, they're just sticks.

She has no idea what she was waiting for… what she expected to happen?

Maybe some miracle… some flashing of lights and one of the wands soaring from the bed to her hand… meeting its new master.

Now she feels foolish…

Just wave them… he said… she glances in his direction… and picks one elegant light wand up.

She gives it a flick…and feels like an idiot.

Nothing happens… the wand is still just a piece of wood…

What if she lost her magic with her memory!?

She tries another wand… nothing…

And another…

Three more with no success.

She throws the next…that's still not working… on the floor.

"It's hopeless!" She huffs… tears burning on the corners of her eyes.

"You know how many wands there are in Ollivanders shop in Diagon Alley?" He speaks for the first time since she started to wave.

"Well, obviously not…" She wonders if he's trying to make her even madder than she already is.

"Hundreds! So, it's not supposed to be easy!"

She buries her head in her hands.

"I'm just so scared… what if I don't have it anymore?" She nearly sobs against her hands.

"It doesn't work like that…"

"Well, neither does dying!" She squeals, "…work like this! What if the price of my life was my magic?!"

She raises her head to look at him… and feels the tears in her eyes.

"Granger…" He comes to her… picks up a wand and hands it to her… "Try this!"

It's a medium sized delicate wand with elegant carvings.

His fingers brush hers when he gives it to her…

And the moment she weights the wand in her hand it feels familiar.

She waves it slightly through the air… Silver sparks fly from the tip… And her heart fills with joy.

She hasn't lost it… it's still there!

She still has magic!

She looks at him beaming, "It works!"

She waves the wand again and giggles to the sparks that fill the air.

"I still have it!" She chuckles.

And because she is so happy… so filled with joy… she rises to her knees on the bed and throws her hands around his neck.

He puts his hands around her… and as she laughs against his neck… she feels him smile too…

.

.

.

He brings her books… and asks Dipsy to sneak in the manor and steal her some more.

His old schoolbooks…and others that might interest her.

And she reads… sits on the bed with her nose in the book… her hair a mess hiding her face.

He reads too… or pretends to… when actually he studies at her studying.

Sometimes… quite often… she puts down her book and asks him to read for her.

And he does…

Because he likes it… the weight of her against him… and the look in her eyes as she concentrates to what he reads.

She's sick of lying in the bed… so he helps her to the living room… and she sits by the table there… and makes notes… like he remembers her doing in the school library…for endless hours.

He gives her his old notes… and she beams at him.

She asks him questions too… he answers the best he can.

It becomes their routine: to wake up in the spring sunlight…to eat a breakfast Dipsy makes… and she never forgets to mention to the elf that it's the best breakfast she has ever eaten… then they read…and talk about what they read… Dipsy makes them lunch and dinner…and beams to her praises… in the evening they play chess… or cards… or talk…and when the night comes she snuggles close to him and they fall asleep with arms and legs tangled to each other.

It feels peaceful… content…

And sometimes he forgets to worry that someone will find them.

Being close to her becomes easy… natural… like she belongs to his arms… and every now and then he has to remind himself: it's not lasting… they live on borrowed time… Girls like her are not for boys like him.

It's all good for the days it lasts…

But of course, it's not for long.

He wakes up one night, startled by something he heard.

So, he sits up in bed and listens…

A sound from the distance… like someone firing a cannon and hitting to deep water… Boom after boom…

He gets up and looks out the window.

It's dark… just his own image reflecting from the windowpane.

"What's the matter?"

She has woken up too… and is sitting up in the bed now… looking slightly confused.

"I don't know…" He mutters and walks to look out of the kitchen windows.

Nothing…. but darkness…

"Can you hear it?" He asks her when he returns to the bedroom.

She nods…

They stay silent for a while… him in the middle of the room… and her on the bed… listening…

Boom

Boom

Boom

A hollow sound in the dead of the night.

"Is it thunder?" She asks… but he shakes his head.

He doesn't think so…

"Dipsy!"

"Yes, master?" The elf is there in seconds.

"Do you know what's that sound?" He asks, and the creature starts to listen too.

After a while it squeaks: "Dipsy goes to see!" And disappears only to pop back a minute later.

The moment he sees it he knows something is wrong.

"Master and Miss have to leave now!"

"What is it?" She finds her voice before him.

He knows before he hears the answer… knows, because he has been waiting for this… fearing for this…

For them to find him…and her.

And now they are here…

"It's the bad wizards! Bad, bad! They mean harm to Master and Miss! Hurry, Hurry! Dipsy will take you!"

"Granger, get dressed!" He finally finds his voice and throws her clothes at her.

She jumps out of bed… only to fall back immediately.

Her feet are still not holding... it makes him even more worried.

She's in no shape to run... So he has to make sure she won't have to!

"Dipsy, help her!"

He runs to the other room… grabs his wand… and the wand they chose for her… His thick cloak from the stand.

It's likely they'll never see what they leave behind here.

The rumble is louder now…

His heart hammers against his chest… How long will it take to break through the wards?

Do they have seconds or minutes?

He rushes back to the bedroom.

She is standing now… looking just a little shaky…

He gives her the wand and his cloak.

"Draco…" She takes his hand and he turns to look at her.

Her eyes are serious… but determined and deep.

Suddenly he remembers that she is a Gryffindor…

She is a hero… She has faced The Death Eaters… She has fought them before.

She is not some fragile thing he has to keep from all harm.

She's a warrior… Even if she doesn't remember it… It's within her… in her blood!

"Forget the things… Let's go!" She almost orders.

And he's impressed by her certainty… the way she handles herself… even if she must be as terrified as he is.

BOOM…

The house shakes… making the windows rattle.

"We need to leave!" Dipsy screams.

"I have no idea where to take us!" He shouts across the noise... now coming more frequently.

Every place he can think of will be dangerous... and too obvious...

Soon they'll be here… through the door… or the wall...

"Allow me, Master!" Dipsy takes both of their hands.

And just before the door flies open they disappear...


	6. Dread and despair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter for you! It's pretty short... and dark... but enjoy anyway! :)

 

Panic… that's what she feels when her knees hit the forest floor.

Complete… overflowing… gripping… panic!

Because for a split second she thought they didn't make it out in time.

The green flash speeding through the room… aimed at them.

She knows what it means… doesn't know how… but she knows: the green flash kills.

Her head is spinning… but the only thought in her mind is Draco…

Draco…Draco…Draco…. please let him be okay!

She tries to get up… to look around for him… but the dizziness clouds her vision.

What if the curse hit him?

What if she can't help him?

She needs to get to him!

But there's nothing but darkness around her.

She turns her head… but all she sees is pitch black.

She tries to listen… any sound… that might differ from the normal sounds of the forest… if this even is a normal forest, to begin with.

Her head spins again and she puts her hands to the ground to steady herself… and closes her eyes.

She's alone… again…

Alone in the darkness… he's not here… if he was, he would have called for her already.

Or… what if he is? Lying somewhere close… but unable to talk… unconscious… or dead…

What if his body is somewhere there in the darkness, just out of reach.

She opens her eyes and tries to look around once more.

What if he needs her and she can't help him?

Breathe… she has to remind herself.

Breathe… panic doesn't help anyone!

The wand is still in her hand… the wand she doesn't know how to use… It feels weird… she glances at it… and feels useless…

How stupid of her… to insist to know the theory before practicing.

Now she has nothing useful.

She knows there is a spell to light the tip of the wand… but has no idea how to do it.

She knows there is a way she can summon things she lost… but can't recall even the words.

What good it is to have a wand if she has no idea how to use it?

If someone attacked now… she has no way to defend herself.

But still… just a moment ago… in the cottage… she was ready to fight!

Every muscle of her body prepared to defend him… and herself… and Dipsy… from any harm.

Before landing in the forest there was no sign of panic in her… she had been ready!

Now she can't be further from ready.

She's lost… with no idea what to do… where to go… how to find him.

She stands up with shaking knees… and suddenly a freighting thought hits her already panicked mind: What if this is death once more?

What if this darkness is another form of it? What if she should fetch him, as he fetched her from the platform?

"Draco?" She whispers into the dark.

Nothing…

Just the hum of the trees around her.

"Please… if you're here… please answer…" Her words are barely audible.

But no…

She's still alone.

What if they got them? What if she was the only one who got away?

Where could she go?

She knows no other places than the cottage.

Hogwarts she kind of remembers, yes… but has no idea how to get there.

She knows her friend's names… but doesn't remember their faces… so she can't go asking around for them by their names only.

Besides… who would she ask… here, in the dark forest?

And she doesn't want anyone else… she wants Draco!

His arms around her… His hand in hers… Him by her side… So that together they could figure out where to go next.

But he's not here… and there's no certainty he is even alive.

Even the thought of him dead makes her want to scream.

Deep breaths…

Panicking gets you nowhere…

The branches crack… she freezes.

Is there someone out there?

She tries to listen harder… frozen to her spot.

Is there someone looking for her? or something smelling her?

What kind of a forest even is this?

Another crack…

She feels like her heart is going to jump out of her chest… and she fears that whatever it is in there… can hear her wild heartbeat.

Her only weapon is the stupid stick in her hand… she's as good as dead.

Then she hears it… something moving somewhere close.

And because she has no idea what else to do… she closes her eyes… squeezes them shut trying not to breathe too loud.

Go past… she prays in her mind… Keep on walking...

Now, standing eyes closed she hears the movements clearly… and if she has to bet her money on it… she'd say it's not human… that there are more than two feet moving.

I'm sorry Draco… she thinks… I'm sorry you brought me back just so that I can be killed… or eaten… in the dark forest.

 

.

.

"Lumos."

He looks around in the forest they just landed on… feeling bewildered.

What if someone followed?

A second later and they wouldn't have made it… a second later they would all have been dead.

Lucky for Granger's clear head and Dipsy's fast movement… Lucky for his shallow sleep.

But something is wrong… He flips around.

Dipsy is running around, putting elf wards up around them.

It takes a minute for him to scan the surroundings… and he freezes…

because she's not there.

He turns around again… but she's nowhere in sight.

"Dipsy, where's Granger?"

The elf looks around too, "Dipsy doesn't know…"

It feels like someone just dropped him into an icy water… like the air in his lungs has turned into ice picks.

"Did we leave her behind!?"

Did they come here and leave her to their mercy? Did they save themselves and leave her to die?

She trusted him… and he left her behind!?

The image of her trusting deep eyes flashes in his mind.

The thought feels unbearable.

"No, no, Dipsy took you both!"

"But she's not here!"

He runs to the edges of Dipsy's wards… scanning around…

"GRANGER!" But only the echo answers him.

She's not here…

She was there… her hand in his… and now she's nowhere…

He wants to scream… to tear his hair out… to fucking fall on his knees and beg.

"Master, the wards!" Dipsy yells when he starts to wander deeper into the darkness.

He doesn't even bother to answer the elf… but rushes further… lighting the forest with his wand… praying for a sign of her.

She can't be gone… He refuses to believe that!

She has to be here! He found her when she was dead! He has to find her again!

She can't be gone!

"HERMIONE!" He screams into the night.

"Maybe not so loud Master? You never know what lives in these forests…" Dipsy is next to him again…

"I don't care! We have to find her! Help me find her!" He snaps, and the elf falls behind… muttering something under its breath…

Where would she go?

She has nowhere!

She has no one!

And they fucking lost her!

Even if she's somewhere in these woods she's completely alone… and she can't use her wand!

He feels stupid… why didn't he teach her even a simple spell!

He was responsible for her… and he did nothing to protect her… to prepare her.

He had wanted to keep her from harm… to hold her safe… and close… to never let anything bad touch her again…

But he wasn't saving her… he was putting her in more of a danger.

By thinking he could be the one to protect her… he had doomed her.

Now he stands there… in the middle of the dark woods… useless!

No matter what he tried… no matter how hard he tried to do the right thing… it always led to more suffering.

Whatever he tried… it all went to hell…

And the last thing he wanted… was for her to be the one to pay the price.

He wanted nothing but her safe…

He'd give anything to get her to safety!

But she was gone…

and there was no way for him to follow…


	7. Defend and shelter

Desperation…

That's all he can feel.

It's a familiar feeling… but never before was he so utterly useless in his desperation.

Before, it meant he had only one option… now it meant he had none.

She was still gone… whatever he'd do… she'd still be gone.

There was no one to blame… no one to demand to give her back… no deal to make…

no amount of screaming… or begging… or praying… would bring her back.

He thought he lost her when she was dead… but losing her like this… this was worse…

Because this was his fault… This was him, making her suffer.

There must be something… anything he can do to try to find her!

Some way of locating where she has disappeared!

Even Dipsy can't find her at random…

He knows the members of the order use their Patronuses to communicate… but… Death Eaters can't produce one.

He has done it successfully once… but it was nowhere near strong enough to communicate with anyone… but could it find her…?

If she even is here… in this same forest…

Could it find her if she's dead?

A Death Eater can't produce a Patronus.

He looks at his mark in the pale light of his wand.

A verdict… he had told her.

The past… she had answered.

He'd thought that one never stopped being a Death Eater… but the way she had said it… almost made him believe.

He looks at his wand… if this was the way to get to her… he would never forgive himself for not trying.

The happiest memory… Her in his arms… sleeping soundly… legs tangled with his… smiling softly in her sleep… Her waking up, sunshine in her hair and smiling up at him… telling him good morning… Her alive… the sweet illusion that she could be his...

The silver ferret that glides out of his wand is not just a puff of silver smoke… It's strong and shining… bouncing around him like expecting a mission.

A death eater can't produce a Patronus.

But there it is now… he made it.

The past… she'd said… and the future is for us to decide…

"Go find Hermione!"

The silvery thing circles him once more... and then disappears in between the trees to the darkness.

Please find her…

He stares after it…even when there's nothing to look for anymore.

.

.

.

She feels the cold… like the temperature suddenly dropped from spring to midwinter.

But it freezes, unlike any winter she remembers… like creeping up to her from the inside.

She feels faint… hollow… and cold…

like she could never be happy again.

Suddenly she's certain he's dead… and she will never get out of here… she'll stay lost in this darkness forever... With dark creatures lurking in the shadows.

Memories that were not there a moment before the flood to her mind:

Her walking away from her parent's house with a heart heavy as a stone… another dark forest… two boys, one with red hair and freckles and the other with black hair and classes, yell at each other… She's standing on the sideline feeling torn… The red-headed boy rushing out of a tent… her running after him… the feel of betrayal, disbelief, desperation, and loss… a body of an old woman turning into dust in front of her eyes… transforming into a giant snake ready to attack… the black haired boy grabbing her hand… a dark manor… and the feel of hopelessness… the feel of being trapped with no way out… the pain… unlike anything, she has ever felt… a black haired woman… pointing a wand at her… screaming… the knowledge it's the end… the sorrow that she can't help them anymore… and the overflowing pain again…

She screams now… falls back to her knees and screams… "NO DON'T"

She feels them… the creatures around her… she hears them breathing… drawing rattling breaths… like smelling her.

She's at the platform again… dragged into the train with dead rotting hands… and he's on the other end… fighting his way to her… but she knows he won't reach her in time…

It's not real… she tries to think gripping the ground under her hands.

She can still feel the forest… she's still there.

But the scene on the platform still plays in her mind.

Black hooded figures gliding in the mist…

She puts her wand up… "DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!" She yells to the darkness.

The cold makes her teeth clatter.

Dementors…

The word hits her frozen mind...

And suddenly she remembers... Suddenly she knows what's going on.

The platform disappears and she's fully in the forest again.

"Expecto Patronum!" She yells into the night

And a silvery cloud erupts from her wand.

She can do nothing but stare as it takes a form of a small animal… a happy otter starts to circle her.

And her mind is clear again… and it's warmer again.

In the light of the silver creature, she sees them… just like on the platform… long black hooded figures disappearing back into the dark as the otter chases them.

And a second after another silver form joins it… appearing from the forest…and together they bounce in between the trees as she stares.

Did her silver thing just double itself? Is it even possible?

Even if a moment ago she remembered clearly how to produce such a thing… now she has no idea how it works… what it even is?

She remembers a name for the black hooded death like creatures… but knows nothing of them…

She has no idea if they'll come back… or will the silver things keep them away?

She shudders… did she escape death once more or was it just a hallucination?

God, she needs Draco.

Suddenly the silver creatures approach her… and she sees the other one is not the same as what she conjured… but a little smaller and more agile… a ferret she guesses…

And the moment she knows… no idea how...but with absolute certainty… that Draco has sent it.

Warmth fills her.

He's not dead… she's sure now.

He's somewhere close… somewhere she can follow.

So, when the ferret bounces back to the darkness… she follows eagerly… without a second thought… because she knows it'll lead her to him.

.

.

.

He doesn't move… not after his Patronus is long gone.

He stands where he was when it left… barely daring to breathe.

Waits… because it has to find her!

She has to return unharmed… she has to…

Once, Dipsy tries to make him come to sit by the fire it has made… but he refuses.

and keeps staring.

Come on… he prays in his mind… come, lead her back to me.

It feels like hours… but he's still standing.

He'll move when she's back in his arms… not before…

But it seems hopeless… the forest stays dark and quiet.

Minute after minute… all the world stands still… breathless… like himself… waiting for her to return.

Then he sees it… a spark of silver… and he nearly rushes forward to see if it's where her body will be.

But the glitter comes closer… And then there are two silver animals, running around, chasing each other like playing tag.

He stares at them with disbelief.

"Draco!"

The sound makes him forget everything else… he flips his head up… and in the pale light, she's limping towards him.

And he's sure he has never seen a sight more beautiful… With a memory of this moment, he could produce a thousand Patronuses!

Because she's here… she's alive… again…still...

And the relief is like nothing he has ever felt before.

With a few hasty strides, he's by her side… and without thinking, he captures her in his arms and buries his face to her hair.

She smells like the forest and mold… and under all that so much like her… he inhales… and she laughs and cries at the same time.

"I'm sorry…" He mumbles into her hair, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"

He might be crying too… he's not sure…

She leans a little further and takes his face between her palms, "It wasn't your fault!"

"I promised to keep you safe… I should have…" His hand is in her hair now.

Her eyes glitter in the silver light.

And then she kisses him… smashes their lips together in the same intensity she just hugged him.

And even when he's so certain she'll regret it when she remembers... he's too selfish to deny her now.

He'd thought he lost her again… and that he'd never see her eyes again… never hear her beautiful voice… never see her smile light up the room… never get to hold her… never has the chance to tell her… that she's the only one… that he'd do anything… anything for her… that he'd trade his life for hers… because she deserves all the happiness the world can give!

And even if it's this one chance he gets… this one chance to kiss her lips… to hold her this close… to if just for this moment, feel her love… he'd live a thousand years with just the memory… if he just has this one kiss.

So, he responds to her… pulls her closer and lets himself melt against her.

She's the fire… the light… the life…

And all of him is hers.

When their kiss ends, she puts her forehead against his… her lips only inches from his.

He wants to kiss her again.

"I thought I lost you…" She travels her fingers on the side of his face, "I thought maybe you were dead, and I couldn't find you…" her voice cracks.

Then she puts her face against his cheek and inhales… he holds her closer against him.

"I thought I lost you…" She sniffs.

And then she buries her face to his neck… puts her hands around him and sobs.

"The dementors made me think…"

The moment the words leave her lips, he snaps his head up and pushes her further so he can see her face.

"What?"

"The dementors…"

He thinks he has never felt such rage before… such fierce urge to hunt down every single fucking creature that tried to fucking hurt her and tear them to pieces limb by limb.

"Did they hurt you?"

She shakes her head… "They made me cold and miserable… they made me see things… horrible things… but before they got to me, I remembered…" She pauses, "I remembered what they were… and what I was supposed to do… and my silver otter… it made them disappear"

"You conjured it?"

She nods… "Does that mean…"

"That you're still as powerful as before…when you remember what you're supposed to do… a Patronus is not an easy spell…" He tells her.

"The ferret's yours?"

He nods, "Ironically, yes…"

"How come?"

"I'll tell you another time…"

Then he leads her to Dipsy's fire and the elf jumps happily when it sees her.

They sit by the fire… and she leans to him and he puts his hand around her shoulders and holds her close.

.

.

.

"What do the dementors do?" She asks him after a while of silence.

"Make you relive your worst memories… take all happiness… and eventually suck your soul away…"

She shudders, "That's awful"

She thinks of the things she saw… things the coldness brought to her… "I remembered them… Harry and Ron… I think…"

"What about them?" He's still staring at the fire.

"They were fighting… and then Ron left… I ran after him… but he was gone… I felt betrayed… and then I remembered a giant snake… it attacked us… Me and Harry…"

That seems to wake him because he turns to look at her… "You went to Godric's Hollow?"

"I don't know…" She mutters.

He's shaking his head… "God… you really had a death wish… Couldn't those morons just keep you safe for one second."

She studies him, "Maybe I could take care of myself…"

"I'm sure you could… better than them… I just…" He pauses.

"What?"

His eyes are dark tonight… stormy and nearly desperate… like his voice.

She still remembers how his voice cracked when he apologized for losing her… again and again…

She thinks she knows what he means… but he's so stubborn... he'll never say it out loud.

"They should never have let you die…" He finally mutters.

"Draco…" She puts her hand under his jaw to turn his head to look at her, "I'm not dead."

"I'm sorry I lost you..." 

She wants to kiss him again… to prove him… she's alive… and here… with him…like she wants to be!

Because with or without her memories… He's her safety…


	8. Embrace and separate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It needs to get dark for the light to get in...

She remembers the spells…When he shows her how to move the wand the words escape her lips without her actually thinking them.

They are still in the forest… but it's daytime… and the forest… is just a forest.

He refuses to leave anywhere before she knows a few essential spells.

"I'm not risking it…" He says as makes her stand and prepare herself, "I'm not letting you get lost again with no way of protecting yourself!"

So, he shows her and she follows… and she can do all of them.

Just by following the movements of his wand, she performs flawless spells… like he remembers her doing… before all this.

With them, she starts to remember memories connected to certain spells.

And he's not sure if he should be relieved… or disappointed… because it seems familiar things make her remember more… and that means… she has the best chances to get her memories back with her people… people who know her… who she has made memories with before.

It means staying with him won't help her further… Him keeping her… won't bring back what she has lost.

So, he tells Dipsy names of the people he knows to belong to The Order… tells it to find any of them… because he's sure now, that being with her people will be the best for her.

They still don't know for sure how they got separated when they came to this forest… but Dipsy says she thinks it was because of the haste they left… And he can't think of any better explanation…so he believes it… and he has to... if he wants to get her out.

In the evening of the third night in the middle of the woods… he looks at her as she stares at the fire

The shadows dance on her face as she sits… buried in her thoughts…

Even after spending days in the forest, she's beautiful in the firelight… with her messy hair, she looks like some forest-fairy in stories they tell children.

He thinks of her lips on his… her figure in his arms… and wishes so bad things could be different… that it wouldn't have had to be the only time.

But Girls like her are not for boys like him…

No…

But still in the night, she curls up against him… and he holds her… even when it's just for this moment… for this moment she's his.

The next day Dipsy tells him it has found what they were looking for.

And he knows this is it… the time for him to let her go…

.

.

.

She remembers… bits and pieces when she performs the spells.

She remembers the mountain troll with  _Wingardium Leviosa_ …The corridor in the third floor with  _Alohomora_ …Neville falling with  _Petrificus Totalius_ … The room with glowing orbs with  _Lumos_ …The room full of people watching with  _Protego_ …A figure with a mask falling with  _Stupefy_ … A wand flying from her hand with _Expelliarmus..._

Knowing the spells makes her giddy… She can finally help him!

And even her feet are better now… like maybe things will start to work out.

But the sadness in his eyes tells her different… the way he rarely smiles at her… the way he shuts down… She knows he's planning on something… and she has a feeling she will not like his plan.

And then comes the morning her bad feeling is confirmed.

You need to go back..." He tells her with serious tone...a tone that tells her she shouldn't fight back.

But she's going to anyway...even though she is quite certain he'll win this argument...she has to try!

"You said you couldn't find them?"

"No, but Dipsy can find others from the Order... She will take you to them."

"And where will you go?"

"I'll figure something..." He looks away.

And she knows he doesn't know...he has nowhere...

She doesn't want to let him go...she's not ready to...she doesn't want The Order... She doesn't know them... But she also knows that her best chance to remember is to go to the people who used to matter...maybe they...like the spells...will make her remember.

But the thought of him...alone...with no place to go...pains her too much.

"Come with me." She whispers, taking a step closer.

He lets out a quiet huff, "They would never take me...no matter what I say, they would never believe me."

She wants to tell him she'll speak for him...wants to say that they will listen to her.

But it's not true...She has no memories...how could they believe what she says is true?

"Then we'll figure something out together!" She reaches for his hand...but he takes a step away… Still not looking at her.

She wants to tell him to look...but doesn't...

"No." His voice is stern… like a warning this is not negotiable.

"Draco..." Even she hears the plea in her voice...she doesn't want to beg...but for him to understand!

But he won't let her speak, "No!"

That's it... He doesn't want to talk about this...but she does...and she's not giving up this easy!

So, she puts her hand on his cheek and forces him to look at her.

"If you were a complete stranger...if I knew nothing of you before you saved me...if I was just some random girl and you were a random boy...even if you, as a random boy told me you've done some horrible things...I would think you have changed...that you regret what you did... I would still have..."

"No" he puts his hand on her mouth, "Listen, Granger! I can't take it! I can't...if you say what I think you're going to say...and then a week later you'll remember and it all changes...I can't take it! It feels like I'm taking advantage of you... Like... I just can't!" he lets the last words fade away and casts his eyes down.

And suddenly she understands... He thinks he's using her if she doesn't remember...he doesn't want to get too attached if he's going to lose her after...And the only way for her to get him to stay with her...is to get her memories back!

Only then he will believe her… not before.

"Okay..." She nods and gets him to raise his gaze again, "but I want you to promise me that with my memories you'll believe me!"

He nods slowly... "And I want you to tell me what you did! Because I'll hear it from them anyway...and I'd really much like to hear from you first."

.

.

.

He knows he needs to tell her...wants to tell her...because she's right...they will tell her eventually...and it's better he tells her... So that she doesn't have to think he kept it from her on purpose...to keep her with him.

And telling her...it means he gets a few more minutes with her...and maybe it makes it easier for her to leave.

So, he tells her...speaks to her about things he'd so gladly take back… words he spoke because he was an ignorant fool… decisions he made because he thought he had no other option if he wanted to stay alive...

"I've been hateful and bigoted and full of myself...I've kept myself above everyone else...I acted like it was my right to look down on everyone...I've called you and your friends all the hurtful names I can think of...I've picked a fight just for the sake of it...I've used my talents to things that only mean to hurt...I've lied and cheated to get the blame out of my back...I told my friends I wished you would die...I've almost killed people and shrugged my shoulders thinking it would have been just collateral damage...I'm the reason The greatest light wizard who ever lived, Dumbledore, is dead… and by that I might be the reason the war is still going on…I've hurt people...tortured them...people have screamed at my wand point as my spell hits them...I've brought food to prisoners who used to go to school with me and did nothing to save them...I watched you die! And I did nothing!"

He's breathing hard, feeling like he's being tortured.

There!

It's out...that is what he really is! And she'll finally be able to see what he meant all along.

He is not a good person!

She's looking at him now...but the look in her eyes is still not hateful… it should be!

"You were just a kid..." she starts but he cuts her off,

"Do not try to make excuses for me!"

But she doesn't believe him.

"You know what Draco? You might think all those things define you...but do you know what I see!?"

He shakes his head..."Don't..."

But she interrupts him, "I see a boy who has all that in his past...and yet...he still just a minute ago told me he doesn't want to take advantage of me...a boy who abandoned everything for a dead body of a girl who he was supposed to hate..."

"You were the fucking hope!" he yells to her face, " I was told you were below me! A stupid creature taking advantage of our birthrights! But you were none of that! You were clever and strong and...beautiful...You were a warrior… A proof world could get better! You can't just die! Seeing you dead was like all the good and hope in the world was dead too...like I was dead!" he didn't intend to say that...but it came out anyway.

Her gaze is intense when she asks: "for how long?"

"What?" He spits out harsher than he meant.

"For how long have you seen me like that?"

He shrugs, "I don't know...years..."

"Draco, I told you before...all those bad things that haunt you...they are the past! And what I have gathered I was not the pure all good girl either!"

She won't let him cut her off..."Because if I'd had my memories when you saved me, I wouldn't have given you a chance... I would have demanded you to return me to my friends...I would have been so blinded by the past I would never have given a chance to leave it behind...Wouldn't I?" He refuses to answer so she goes on, "I would have never seen this man you've become...because of my own prejudices! We all have our flaws Draco."

She reaches for him again, "So I will get back my memories, and after that, I will find my way back to you and I will tell you the past is in the past and then you will believe me!"

He stares at her...

And all he wants to do is to kiss her...so bad...but it'll just make this worse… and million times harder than it already is.

So, he calls Dipsy instead.

It's time to send her away...time to let go...

"Stay safe!" she tells him squeezing his hand on hers... for what he knows will be the last time.

"You too. Don't die," he mutters...and it feels like someone is trying to rip his heart out through his chest with bare hands.

"Draco…" She's standing so close, he can feel her breath on his face… "This me… who you got away from that platform… This me you spent weeks in the small cottage with… This me who gave you a chance… This, who you told about the wonders of magic… Me, who laughed with you… who studied with you… This me you let sleep in your arms… This me, you kept safe… She would have stayed… She would have…" She pauses… his eyes travel to her lips and his heart beats like crazy… He doesn't want to let her say it… but at the same time, he needs to hear her say it… So, he stays silent.

"…She would have loved you…" She breaths out.

And he kisses her… deeply and desperately… for the last time… with a kiss that tastes like a goodbye.

"If the you who remembers, will still think like that… I'll tell her I've loved her all along…" He whispers against her lips.

"This me… will be her…" Her lips touch his once more… then she lets go…

She goes… and he has never felt more alone…


	9. Question and entrust

The moment Molly Weasley's arms hug her close she knows it doesn't work like that… she knows she made a mistake!

The moment Dipsy leaves she knows she's alone now… because of no matter how brightly the nice woman smiles… and how her husband pads her back and tells her "It's good to have you home!"

She does not remember them.

Nothing comes back.

She tells them she doesn't remember much of anything that happened before the Malfoy Manor… and then… because she doesn't know what else to tell them… she tells some old muggle lady took care of her all these weeks… and little by little she started to remember and found her way to them.

She doesn't tell them she was dead… or about Draco… because she has a feeling that they will somehow blame him.

That they will not understand.

And she is not going to take that!

They take her to The Order safe house… where people are so happy to see her… and she doesn't know any of them.

She feels lost… and overwhelmed.

She tells people she has no memories… but they treat her like nothing's different… talk about people she doesn't know… events she doesn't understand.

Her brain works on overdrive trying to put the pieces together.

She misses him so, so, very much!

This was a huge mistake!

Harry and Ron are not there… and when she asks about them everyone gets a weird look in their face.

"They needed to carry the mission, Dear." Molly says, "They were worried about you, but they needed to go on."

She feels like the woman has a need to defend them… and maybe if she remembered more, she would be upset… or maybe not… maybe the mission they were on went above everything.

With Draco, she never had a need to pretend she remembered more than she actually did… but here… here she does that all the time.

She feels like she has to… like they expect her to remember.

Draco always made sure she remembered… these people just talk like of course she does… and most of the times she just goes on pretending that's the case.

They say things like: "You can stay in the same room as last time!"

And she goes upstairs and tries to guess which might be the room she had stayed before.

Most help she gets from a nice man who has scars all over his face: Remus… and his wife Dora, who'd just had a baby and who treat her like they are old friends.

The spells still have the best effect on her… and sometimes she does get a flashback of some events from before.

But mostly it is still all blur and hazy around the edges.

The second night there she lies on her bed.

It's probably midnight… but she can't sleep… not that she slept last night either...

The bed is cold, and the room is dark… the sheets smell weird and all the sounds of the house feel unfamiliar… and she misses Draco so much she thinks she is going to lose her mind… or what little she had left of it.

She was so used to him… to his arms around her...

There's no stopping the tears… so she cries against her pillow… cries, because she misses him so very much… and because she fears the memories will never come back… and he will never believe her… and because he's somewhere alone.

She should not be here…crying alone in a foreign bed… she should be with him!

She belongs with him!

And she knows he wants her with him... but she needs more to convince him!

Crying gets her nowhere!

She hits her fist to the pillow... wet from her tears.

The next morning Remus asks her to a drawing room and presents to her a stone bowl… and the moment she sees it she knows it's a pensieve.

"I thought you might want to try and put your memories here… maybe it helps you fill in the pieces you're missing."

She wants to tell him there is more than pieces missing… but doesn't.

"Thank you. I think it's worth a try."

The man leaves her alone… and she tries to dig her mind to remember how this thing works.

Pensieve… she's sure she'd read about it…

But thinking takes her nowhere… so she takes out her wand… and puts it to her forehead like an impulse.

Only doing makes her remember, it seems.

She pulls the memories out… places them to the bowl… and dives in.

The first thing she finds is him… Draco… on the platform calling for her.

She remembers how she felt about him… how she didn't know him… but felt him.

She could spend hours just looking at him...

But this is not a memory she was looking for… so she digs deeper.

When she steps out of her memories, after what feels like hours… it feels clearer.

But what she saw were things she already remembered… this just helped to understand those memories better.

Now she has more names for people… more spells… more knowledge of what she used to be.

Now she understands why they talk to her the way they do… She was the brains… She's supposed to understand this!

She remembers she Obliviated her parents… she remembers Ron left them… She remembers going to Godric's Hollow… and she remembers how they got caught… She knows they were hunting Horcruxes and they were not supposed to tell anyone.

And she remembers him… like she remembered him when she remembered nothing else.

Remembers hating him for being such a prat… remembers a bouncing ferret… and like before she remembers punching him and wanting to punch him again more than once… feeling bad for him… trying to defend him to Harry… Harry telling how Draco lowered his wand when Dumbledore offered protection.

At this moment she wants nothing more than to find him… to tell him she does remember him… and nothing she remembers will change her mind.

But she also knows she doesn't remember enough… the things she saw hold no feelings… she needs to remember completely to remember how she felt… not just for him… but for everyone else too.

So, she goes downstairs…and it's easier now… she feels more confident now.

She even understands more of what they talk about.

But as she understands she realizes: there's no way for her to stay outside of the war… No matter if she doesn't remember.

He always kept her safe… he always did everything in his power to keep her from harm… and even if it irritated her sometime… she misses it now.

With him, she would have been ready for war… With these people, she was not sure she'd live long enough to ever get to tell him that.

.

.

.

He doesn't let Dipsy tell him where it took Granger… He tells the elf not to.

It's better if he doesn't know…

It's better he doesn't imagine her in Weasley's arms… the thought makes him want to tear his hair out.

There's nothing he can do about it anyway!

He could have kept her…she wanted to stay… but it wouldn't have been real… and it wouldn't have been right.

For once in his life, he could do the right thing! Even when it was killing him inside.

But many things had been killing him inside before too… so with that, he could live.

The first night without her, he stays in the forest… staring at the fire… feeling the dementors looming in the shadows.

He watches his ferret make circles around their camping place to keep the darkness out… But even the silver animal makes him think of her… makes him imagine her silver otter there with it… somehow the ferret looked happier with the otter.

And when morning comes… he hasn't slept a single minute.

The world feels so cold without her… so empty…

This me would have loved you… her words keep repeating in his head… There is nothing else in the world he would have rather do than take her with him… He would gladly give up everything for the possibility for her to love him… but not like this.

He couldn't use her like that… because if he did… she'd hate him… and that's one thing he thinks he can't live with anymore: Her hating him.

In the light of the morning, he apparates to the gates of a fancy Manor. It's smaller than his home… but a manor all the same.

This is the only place he thinks he might be safe… the only place where people might actually take him in and not turn him right back to the Dark Lord.

He never liked to depend on anyone… Slytherins rarely do… but they watch each other's backs and that's what he's counting on.

So, he knocks on Zabini's door.

It takes only seconds for a house elf to appear in front of him, "Master wants Bunny to deliver a message to mister Malfoy: Are you fucking crazy!?" The elf squeaks loudly.

Then it takes his hand and they pop inside.

"Are you fucking insane?!"

As soon as they land, he finds himself being shaken from the shoulders.

Blaise Zabini looks worn… and angry… His handsome face is pale and he looks like he hasn't slept in weeks.

"What the fuck you're thinking Draco? Don't you know probably every Death Eater in the country is looking for you? There's a price promised of your head! You can't just appear to my doorstep and knock the fucking door!" Blaise rants, shaking him a little more.

He doesn't know what to say really… There are no words to justify his actions… only one and he knows it's not good enough, "I had nowhere else!" He spits it out anyway, pushing Blaise further.

"And you thought we are so fucking Gryffindors we will just protect and put ourselves in danger for you?"

Yes… that's exactly what he hoped from them.

"Blaise, come down… maybe Draco can explain himself." A familiar drawl of Theo Nott makes him look around again.

Theo is standing by the door… just as skinny and sly looking as always… his dirty blond hair falling to his face.

"Explain!? How do you think he'll explain that he has a death wish and is planning to first abandon us and then take us with him to hell!"

"Merlin Blaise, let the man speak!" Theo looks almost indifferent as he leans to the doorframe arms crossed.

"It's better to be one hell-of-an-explanation," Blaise growls but takes a step back.

It isn't, he knows that… but these boys… men… are his best friends. They aren't marked… and they are not at school because like Blaise said after Christmas: "It's fucking sick! I'm not going to torture fist year Hufflepuffs as practice!"

So, he and Theo just didn't go back to Hogwarts after Christmas break. And because Blaise's mother is in Italy and Theo's father is too deep in the Dark Lord's inner circle… He doubts anyone even knows they are not back.

At school people probably just think they joined the Death Eaters.

They are his only hope...

"I need you to make an oath." He tells them now holding his head high.

Blaise snorts, "Oath? You come here endangering us and you need an oath? Tell me you're joking!"

But he shakes his head, "You just said there's a price promised of my head! And what I'm about to tell you will probably double the price."

"Well, you're wanted for helping Potter escape from under the Dark Lord's nose. Not sure anything you tell us is worse than that." Theo cuts in.

"If you want our help, you have no other choice than to tell us and we'll be the judge if it's good enough of a reason for us to protect your ass." The thin boy creeps closer like a cat.

He's beginning to think maybe this was a bad idea… maybe spending time with Granger had made him think too well of people.

These were his best friends… but was their friendship enough to keep them loyal to him?

"So, spit it out! Are you a nice boy running Order's errands now?" Blaise stares at him challenging.

"What do you think Zabini? I always thought you were clever." He's not going to defend himself to their completely absurd accusations.

"Well, I don't know Malfoy… if you let Potter out, who knows how long you've been working for them."

"I'd suggest you used your head… I'm the reason their leader died less than a year ago. You think they'd welcome me with open arms?"

They glare at each other… all three of them… and he has no idea if he should give them the truth or make up a lie.

"But you let Potter out? That's why finding you is so important to the snake face?"

Well, at least they haven't decided to follow The Dark Lord… no one who followed Voldemort dared to call him "the snake face".

So, he decides he tells them the truth… it's not like he has a lot to lose anyway.

"No, I didn't… I might have had my hands on their escape. But I didn't let them out."

"So, what have you been up to?"

"Bellatrix killed Granger." Only saying it out loud makes him want to hit something.

"Shit." Blaise whispers.

Suddenly the air in the room changes… Theo's hands drop to his sides and the frown on Blaise's face disappears.

"Fuck Draco… I didn't know…" Blaise puts his hand on his shoulder… and they are friends again.

Because he knows he wasn't the only one affected by her light… She had been their Elpis… the personification of hope.

Her death meant something for all of them.

Maybe less to them than to him… but something…

He had counted on that when he came here.

"She was dead… and I fucking couldn't live with it!" Only the memory of her death makes him feel rage he can't quite control, "But she came back."

"She what?" Theo frowns.

"I took her to my mother's cottage to bury her… but she came back…I have no idea how… She has no memories from before… so I kept her hidden… for weeks before they found us." He looks down.

"Don't fucking tell me you saved your sorry ass and left her to them!?" Blaise growls and lets his hand drop.

"Thank you for thinking so highly of me Blaise!" He spits back.

These are supposed to be his best friends and they dare to suggest he'd leave her behind!

He'd rather fucking die!

"Then where is she? If you're waiting for us to invite her in, then by all means!" Theo looks around like Granger might suddenly appear.

"I let her go…" He mutters.

"To Potter and Weasley? Those losers let her die and you just kindly returned her to them? What are you? A fucking Hufflepuff?"

Their words make him doubt his decisions now… He thought he'd given her the best chance she could have… but what if they were right? If he had sent her in a worse place? The golden trio did seem to constantly be in lethal danger.

Maybe she would have been safer here… but then he remembers again: she would still lack her memories… and keeping her here would have been wrong! They were not people she'd willingly choose for company.

"To the Order… I couldn't locate the wonder duo."

"And your next plan?" Theo raises his eyebrows.

He tells them he came here for that… hoping that maybe the three of them could figure something out… that maybe they'd choose him over the dark lord.

But as he speaks the voice in his head nags that this was a stupid idea… that it was too Gryffindor of him to think his friends would get themselves in danger because of him.

She had made him forget how his world worked!

He wishes he wouldn't have let her go…

"They won't look for you here," Blaise says when he's done with his story.

He was already prepared to call Dipsy and disappear… so he looks at his friend suspiciously.

"The house is under fidelius. I convinced Mother to make Theo the secret keeper. Told her I was in danger because I didn't have the mark." The dark wizard shrugs.

He stares at them… for a moment he wonders how did he get in… but then he remembers visiting here at Christmas.

So, they're kind of outlaws too… Slytherins refusing to pick a side… must be unheard of.

"So, what do we do?" He asks.

Theo shrugs and Blaise crosses his arms, "We wait for the war to end."

He stares at them for a moment… thinking that maybe Granger took his mind too when she left… because he wants to tell them they can't just sign themselves out of it.

But he also knows both sides want him dead… and a few months ago he wouldn't have minded so much… but now… he needs to stay alive… at least until he knows she'll be okay…


	10. Tend and bend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dipsy ships Dramione.

_Hermione,_

_Any luck with your memories?_  
_Just wanted to let you know I'm staying with some friends._  
_They said you're welcome here too… so how about it?_  
_You'd be safe with us…_  
_This last week I've begun to realize sending you to The Order probably wasn't the wisest move._  
_I wanted you safe and I sent you with them when they are in open war._  
_What an idiot I was._  
_But keeping you would have been selfish. I'm done with being selfish…_  
_Now that I think of it… sending you away was selfish too. If I had kept you, you would have hated me for keeping you away from the war… and I don't want you to hate me!  
_ _So, you see? Selfish either way!_

_Anyway… there's no point in this letter._

_Just wanted you to know… that you're welcome here anytime…_  
_I hope you have your memories back… and I'll see you again soon._  
_It's just… what I'm really asking…_  
_Is for you to pick me!_  
_Choose me!_  
_Come back to me and tell me you're mine!  
_ _And never leave again._

_Anything you want… I'll give you!_

_Please!_

_Choose me!_

 

 

He stares at the letter and then crumples it to a ball in his fist.

Ridiculous!

No, he is not going to write her… he is not going to beg her…

She had promised to find him when she got her memories back… and if she didn't… well, then he'd know he was right after all.

These hopes of her return only made him worse.

Time after time the past few days, he had tried to tell himself she'd had her memories back already… and she would have already found him if she still wanted him… She would already be here…

But she wasn't. Which had to mean she didn't want to be here…

He had lost her.

And no matter what he had tried to make himself believe before… only the thought of losing her like this... losing her again… made him want to scream.

Of course, he couldn't let his friends see his desperation.

So, with Blaise and Theo, he pretended to be fine… indifferent… almost bored.

Only in his room…alone in the dark of the night… did he let himself miss her...

Blaise and Theo wanted to stay out of the war. But occasionally they sent Blaise's house-elf Bunny to spy the dark side for them.

That's how they got information on how the war was processing.

Now, that's what suddenly gives him an idea.

There is a way for him to know how she is!

So, he calls for Dipsy.

"Yes, master?" The elf appears in seconds.

"Dipsy, I want you to look after Granger." he tells it quickly, "But don't let her see you. Just make sure she's fine…"

Dipsy looks at him with wide eyes as it answers: "Dipsy does that already master!"

It's his turn to stare.

"Dipsy is a free elf! So, when master decided to send Miss away Dipsy bound herself to Miss! Now Dipsy hears if Miss calls and Dipsy can follow her too. Dipsy has been making sure Miss is okay."

"Why didn't you tell me before?!"

The elf has known how she is this whole time!? The elf knows if she decided not to want him!? And he has been living in the dark!?

"Master never asked… Dipsy explains:" The elf sits on his bed, "House-elves are meant to be bound to someone. Even when one is free, it's better to be bound. It gives one a purpose. A free elf can choose a master for itself. So Dipsy has bound herself to master, of course. But Master took Miss as Dipsy's family! And when Dipsy lost Miss in the forest… Master was so scared… Dipsy thought it's better if Dipsy looks after the girl when Master is not able."

He has a sudden urge to hug the elf…

He has never been downright nice to it… never done anything for it. And still, Dipsy is the most loyal friend he has ever had.

But there are more pressing matters on hand.

"So how is she!?" He asks impatiently.

"Oh," Dipsy sighs melancholily, "first Miss was pretty lost. Unlike what Master and Miss though, no memories came back. Miss didn't know people… she tried to hide it. Yes, she did! But Dipsy notices! A few days ago, the shaggy man who smells like forest gave miss a pensieve and Dipsy figured it helped. Miss still doesn't remember everything…but seems more sure about herself."

She doesn't remember… so it's not because she doesn't want to be back… it's because she still doesn't remember.

He feels like sighing in relief… Even if he shouldn't have been waiting for her.

Even if he should have let his hopes go.

Even if he should still remember: Girls like her are not for boys like him!

Not now, not ever!

"Does she…" He pauses, "Is she happy with them?"

He hopes the answer is yes… but the elf shakes its head, ears flapping.

"Dipsy thinks Miss is lonely… and she misses Master."

His heart takes an extra beat.

"Like Master misses her…" Dipsy sighs, "Miss rarely stays in bed more than a few hours a night… and in her dreams she calls for Masters name."

For a moment it's like he can't feel his hands and legs… like Dipsy's words paralyzed him…

She calls for his name in her sleep? she misses him? like he misses her?

And he misses her… misses so much it's like a part of him was missing.

But nothing has changed really.

So no matter how it pains him, he tells Dipsy to keep looking after her… and to tell him if something changes.

Because more than anything...even more than her not wanting him... he fears she'll go to war again… and he'll not be able to protect her…again.

.

.

.

She feels the war… hears it from the tones they speak in.

Feels it in the walls of the safe house… sees it in the way Dora holds her baby… and in the frowns of peoples faces.

They talk about Harry and Ron a lot… trying to guess what they are after.

She wonders maybe she should tell them… about the Horcruxes.

They are adults after all… while Her and Harry and Ron… And Draco… and all of the others, are just a bunch of teens.

They also talk about Hogwarts… and how dark it's in there too… how kids are made to torture each other.

And she feels confused… they talk about it… and let it continue… They pretend to be worried… and do nothing to stop it.

She wishes she'd understand more of how this war is supposed to work.

From what she'd heard now… it feels like it is a war between the Death Eaters and children… And that the adults have no idea what they are supposed to do.

It makes her angry… and she wishes she could ask Draco about it.

Draco…

There's so much she wants to talk with him… so much she wants to ask.

At nights she sits on her bed, hugging her pillow…trying to think of a way to make him take her back… to convince him that the possibility for her to get her memories back is just as good with him as it is with these people here.

And every night she fears the next day will be the day they'll take her to war… Because no matter how much she tries to think they wouldn't do that, she still can't shake the feeling…. the feeling they're all just waiting for a call to fight.

And if or when the call comes… she knows she's expected to go with them.

But a new day rises, and the call doesn't come… or the next day… or the one after that…

One night she sits in the drawing room again, reading books about memory loss.

First, she tried to read books about dying…but found none… so she had to settle for memory loss.

But she finds nothing similar to her situation.

And it's getting frustrating!

She throws yet another book back to the table and buries her face to her hands.

The familiar weight of hopelessness fills her, and the loneliness she fights every moment to keep from overpowering her washes over like pouring rain.

It will never come back!

She will be lost in this maze in her mind forever, feeling like she's not completely present to this world.

She will always feel half empty! She'll never be whole again.

A faint pop makes her look up.

It's Dipsy.

Seeing the elf makes tears rise to her eyes and she drops from the chair on her knees to the floor.

"Dipsy!" She cries out and then, without thinking she embraces the small creature.

"There, there miss. Dipsy's here." The elf pads her back as she cries against its' small shoulder.

Yes, she was lonely… and yes, she missed their time at the cottage… but before Dipsy's appearance, she had no idea how much.

But now, seeing the elf… she realizes this has been just a waiting game… she hadn't wanted to settle here… she didn't want to stay with these people here… she just wanted her memories, so that she could go back. Nothing more!

She has no intent to ask how the elf got there… there's only one thing she wants to know: "Dipsy please, can you take me to Draco?"

"That is why Dipsy is here miss! Dipsy is not stupid! Even when miss and master don't dare to ask Dipsy to get them back together, Dipsy knows that's what they both want the most! So, Dipsy came to get miss! Come, come!"

The elf helps her up.

"But they will worry…" She glances at the kitchen.

"It's night time miss. Everyone is already asleep. We'll get you back before dawn!"

"Oh," She kind of hoped she wouldn't have to return.

But Dipsy has already taken her hand…

.

.

.

A pop startles him up the bed he had been lying on.

"Master," Dipsy whispers next to the bed, "Come, come!"

"What now? Is something wrong?"

He stands up and looks around, but the elf shakes its' head.

"No, no! Dipsy has a surprise!"

"It's the middle of the night. What are you playing at?"

He has no idea why the sudden cheeriness in Dipsy's voice.

"Master never sleeps anyway! Dipsy gives Master dreams back! Come, come!"

He is about to argue… to tell the elf it has no chance of giving his dreams back… but when he opens his mouth, it's already too late.

Dipsy has already taken him away.

The first thing he realizes is the rain.

It's pouring down the sky making the dark night even darker…

He looks around having no idea where they are.

"Dipsy?! Is this some kind of a joke to you? What the fuck are you playing at!?" He roars into the night.

Stupid fucking elf.

"The less you know, the harder it is to track down!" The elf answers from the darkness.

"What the fuck!?"

Then there is a warm hand on his arm...

For a moment he thinks it's an ambush… that Dipsy has betrayed him.

But the person who's holding his arm lets out a laugh.

And he doesn't care anymore… not that it's dark… or that he's already soaking wet…not that he was taken somewhere unknown against his will.

Because he knows this laugh.

This is the laugh he dreams about in the few hours he gets to sleep at night.

This is the laugh that turns the darkest of nights into a warm summer day.

This is the laugh that echoed in Hogwarts corridors and made him want to bunch his hand to the nearest mirror… because she'd never laugh with him like that…

But now she does…

And then his arms find her… and she's there… where she belongs!

In his arms… her laughter making him feel like life is breathed back into him.

He knows it's wrong… that he sent her away to stop himself having all these false hopes.

And meeting her again makes all those false hopes come back.

He knows these memories will torture him to death when she doesn't want him anymore.

But at the moment he doesn't care!

He'll gladly be tortured… If it means he gets to hold her a little longer.

"Hi, Draco…" she whispers against his ear and laughs again. A cheerful tingling sound, that makes him feel light and almost happy…

And with his newfound ignorance of the future, he kisses her.

Finds her wet lips and pulls her against him.

The rain keeps pouring as their lips dance together.

His hand finds its' way to her damp hair and she takes a hold of his wet shirt.

"I missed you…" She whispers in between kisses, "I still don't remember everything."

"I don't care…"

He travels his lips to her neck.

Suddenly she pushes him a little further… "Why not?"

It's so dark he can't see her eyes… but he can imagine the serious look in them.

"I missed you too fricking much..." He mumbles looking away… "I'm not that noble person, after all, it seems…"

She giggles a little…

"But you shouldn't want to be here…" He states silently… Knowing he sounds like a broken record, repeating the same words.

"Draco… Remus gave me a pensieve. I watched my memories… I remember enough!" She still has a hold of the front of his wet shirt, "Please stop blaming everything on yourself and let me be the judge of what I do and do not want!"

She lifts her hands to both sides of his face and puts their foreheads together.

"Even though I don't know what I want…" She pauses.

He realizes he's holding his breath.

"But I do know, I do not want to be away from you!" She emphasizes every word.

And he breathes again.

"I know you don't want to be without me either." She whispers, her lips so close to his he can feel them moving.

"So please… Don't make me survive without you again."

How can he say no to that?

Even when the voices in his head argue it would be best for everybody to push her away again… he knows his answer already...

If she wants to keep meeting him… there's not enough willpower in him to keep her away… if he can have a taste of this heaven… he'll take it…

And he will stand the consequences when they'll be thrown to his face… not before.

It feels good to be sure about something for a change…

So, he closes the distance between them capturing her lips with his.


	11. Decide and understand

It's funny how the presence of one person can give you so much comfort…

How you can settle anywhere if that one person is with you… it's like that person is all you need to feel at home… no matter where in the world you are.

They're sitting by the fire again… in a dark forest again… under Dipsy's spells that keep the rain out.

She leans her head on his shoulder and looks at their entwined fingers…

Should she be scared that she feels so grounded with him?

Should it worry her that only with him she feels like the world makes sense?

Should it bother her that she still has no idea why that's the case?

Maybe…

Given all that she remembers and all that he has told her… there's no logical reason for what she's feeling.

None at all… And still here with him… is the only place she wants to be.

No book she read gave her so much as a hint of why this is happening.

But that's what's happening… and now she's here…and he's here… and by the dancing fire, she tells him everything she found out.

"We were hunting Horcruxes." as the words leave her lips, he turns rapidly to look at her.

"Are you kidding?"

But she shakes her head… and explains what she remembers.

For a moment he looks paralyzed.

"Are they fucking sick?" He then spits out so angrily she flinches.

"Granger… that's… fuck that's like the darkest magic can get."

.

.

.

Rage…

That's what he feels.

Overflowing, uncontrollable rage, when she tells him what they were up to when they got caught.

He wants to hit something… wants to curse people to oblivion… wants to hunt down those responsible… hunt them down and slowly strangle all of them with his bare hands.

The Death Eaters had killed her… but it had been her own people who had sent her down to her doom.

The people who were supposed to keep her safe! People who he sent her to so that they'd keep her safe!

He realizes his hands are shaking.

The side of the light… the better side… bullshit… both sides were responsible for sending kids to do their dirty work!

He had always thought the world was just black and white…divided those who are right and those who are wrong.

Up until it seems it is just all black… and everyone responsible is just all wrong!

And if he wants her safe there's no one else but himself he can count on.

He should just take her with him and leave… they should go somewhere… somewhere far away from this place… these games people are playing.

"We should leave…" the words leave his lips before he's able to stop them, "Go somewhere where we don't have to worry about all of this… where they can't find us. We could leave now! Ask Dipsy to take us... I have the money… we could…"

What a beautiful dream it is… to take her somewhere where the summer never ends… To watch the sun glitter in her hair as she walks along the golden sands of a deserted beach. To lay next to her listening to the sounds of the tropical night… to wake up with the sun on their skin… To be idle and ignorant… laidback and happy… not to fear and worry… What a glorious feeling it would be when the hardest decisions of the day would be whether to drink a shake made of watermelon or pineapple.

He can easily imagine her… in a bright summer dress, dipping her toes to the blue ocean, smiling brightly at him.

"You know we can't do that…" Her sad tone snaps him back from his daydreams.

And of course, he knows… he knows even if she'd said she'd go with him… he would never have taken her… because she would never leave if she was herself… and she would never forgive him taking advantage of her not being completely herself at the moment.

So, it's the same argument again... and they are back to square one.

"Tell me why we're fighting? We are just teens… why are we so essential to this war?" She asks him silently, laying her head back to his shoulder. Taking his hand back to hers, lacing their fingers together so that their marks are both facing them.

He supposes she is right…they are far too young to be fighting a war… even if they are off age now… even if they probably argued they wanted to fight… Schoolkids shouldn't worry about wars.

"I think it's Potter…" He says… looking down to their hands.

"Back with The Order, they talked about how kids are made to torture each other at Hogwarts… They said that Neville is leading the resistance... That he and Ginny and Luna are doing the best they can… Then there's us, me and Harry and Ron hunting pieces of the main villain's soul… and you were ordered to kill the headmaster… What kind of a war is it when the main players are kids and the adults do nothing but sit by pretending like they are worried but do nothing?" She sounds as angry as he felt a moment ago, "If Harry is the chosen one…and the one who can destroy the dark lord…shouldn't he have help? Other than two kids? I don't understand this Draco!"

He stares at her… now that she says it out loud, it sounds absolutely absurd in his ears too.

And there is no way he understands this any better than her.

.

.

.

He shakes his head at her… there's no answer he can give.

She puts her hand on his dark mark… it's warm… significantly warmer than his skin… and after a while, it feels like burning her palm.

She lifts her hand and glances up to him… he's staring to the sky gritting his teeth.

And suddenly she realizes the mark burns him… She sits back up and takes his hand in both of hers, examining the ugly tattoo.

He's still not looking at her.

"It's burning up."

He nods slowly, "It's the spell in it… He's calling for me."

One by one the pieces click together in her head… little by little she begins to understand what it really is he has done for her… what it is he endures just for being here.

"Is it… does it ever go away?"

He shakes his head and she feels like crying.

The price he pays for defying the dark lord... the price he pays for saving her… is not only that he had to leave everything behind… but also for him to live in constant pain.

He gave up everything.

"Draco…" She whispers.

But he shakes his head again, "I deserve it."

"But…"

Finally, he looks at her… and lifts his hand to cover her mouth, "Whatever you're about to say… won't take it away… and I'll never go back now. Not even if it kills me!"

She stares into his quicksilver eyes… so cold at first… but when you look a little bit closer… so full of depth and hues… all she want's to do is to drown into them.

"If there's anything I can do…" She says lifting his hand from her lips so that she can speak.

"There's not." He holds her gaze.

And suddenly she doesn't need him to explain why they are fighting… suddenly she has a fierce urge to fight… to take down everyone who dares to hurt him. To slice the dark lord in two for causing him pain.

The side doesn't matter… if they hurt him… they hurt her.

She'll fight… but she won't fight for the side of the light or dark… she'll fight for freedom…for second chances…for the possibility for kids to be kids and teens to be teens, not war dogs… She'll fight for him… because for all that he has gone through, he deserves to be happy… and free of what weights him down.

Briefly, she wonders if he'll let her fight… probably not…

But she is not going to ask him for permission… and it's not a conversation for this night.

So, she leans forward and brushes his lips with hers, "And you tried to tell me you're not brave."

He snorts but kisses her anyway.

"Miss and Master! Dipsy is sorry to interrupt, but it's nearly morning! Miss needs to head back before they notice!"

She let's go of him, "I'll see you soon?"

"Blaise and Theo would let you stay." He tells her… and she smiles at him, "Do you think it's safe?"

"They're my best friends."

Of course, she believes him! and if he believes in them… she has no reason to doubt.

She thinks of the people at the safe house… those who think they know her… "I can't just disappear… I'll figure something out!"

"And we'll meet here? in the evening?" He sounds reluctant to let her go… she has to admit she kind of enjoys it.

So, she nods… and kisses him once more… "See you soon."

.

.

.

He doesn't know why it is so hard to let her go… Like every time she leaves, he needs to be prepared that she won't come back.

It seems he can be at ease only when she's at arms-reach…only when he can make sure nothing bad is happening to her.

Now he needs to tell Blaise and Theo he's going to bring her here… somehow, he feels they are not going to be as delighted by the idea as he is.

But they already said she'd be welcome… So maybe they'll settle.

Still, he's not completely satisfied with this plan… not completely sure this is the safest place to have her.

But then again… he's the one they're looking for… him and definitely Potter… she's not that important.

It's unlikely anyone would come looking for just her.

Back at his room, he looks at Dipsy, "Listen, I'm going to bring Granger here tonight," He looks at his so-called servant…and thinks the elf is probably the only one he can trust completely…  "I want you to keep a close eye on her. And if something happens… if someone attacks us or something is threatening her. You save her. No matter how she fights back, you take her to safety before anything else."

Dipsy agrees happily.

So, he makes it downstairs hoping the net conversation will be as easy.

Blaise and Theo are already sitting by the kitchen table.

For the days he has been here he has had this nagging feeling something is off.

He's not sure if it's between the three of them… or only between his friends… but sometimes when he walks into a room it's like he's interrupting something.

This morning is one of those times… It seems they were whispering something to one another and him entering makes them jump apart.

He rolls his eyes, "If you have something to say, why don't you tell it straight to my face?"

"Morning to you too Draco." Theo gets up and pads his shoulder as he leaves the room.

He looks at Blaise who's still sitting by the table, looking almost bored.

"What was that?"

"What?" The dark man pretends like he has no idea what he's talking about.

He hates it when they do that! It makes him worried they have something serious to hide.

Given his plan of bringing Granger here, he'd rather be sure they don't…

"You think I don't notice you two whispering behind my back? Come on Blaise, are you going to sell me out or what?"

"How low do you think we are Draco? Who would we sell you to? If you haven't noticed we're in hiding too."

They've gone through this conversation before… he's not quite sure why he keeps on doubting them.

"Man, you are the only one with the mark here… if anyone should be doubtful, it's us." Blaise has gotten up too.

"I thought we agreed…"

"Yes, we did, so why don't you trust us to keep our end of the deal?"

They didn't have marks…they had no idea what it was like when you could trust no one… not even your family.

"Fine, fine!" He lifts his hands as a sign of surrender, "Let's find Theo, I have something to tell you."

They really are the only people he has at the moment… them and Granger.

So, after a while, they're all back in the kitchen…and suddenly he feels nervous.

What if this is a terrible idea? And she's not even here yet…

"Spit it out then, I have things to do." Theo drawls leaning his chin to his palm lazily.

"Like?"

"Like taking a wank… none of your business! Get on with it!"

He rolls his eyes, "Fine. Remember when I first came here, and you expected Granger to be with me?"

They nod.

"I was thinking of bringing her here tonight…to stay with us…"

Blaise lifts his eyebrows.

"If you agree." He added quickly.

"I thought you returned her to the light crew?"

"Well, I did… but the situation changed."

"And what's her take on this?" Theo suddenly looks remarkably less ignorant.

"She… she agrees." He tries to sound certain this is a good idea.

"Then fine." Blaise shrugs.

He did not expect it to be this easy… "No objections?"

"Man, you've practically drooled after her for years. And then you watched her die... it's bad, we get that." Blaise glances at Theo, "It's not like we were the biggest fans of her know-it-all attitude, but at least she's easy on the eyes."

"Hey!" He protests.

Theo snorts.

"So, if you want her here, and she wants to be here, then, by all means, take her here!"

He stares at his friend.

"Don't you think we've had enough of this darkness? People looking at us and seeing nothing but the offspring of evil?" The look on Theo's face is serious, "If she's on our side… maybe someone else will be able to see us as something else too."

He knows what the boy is talking about.

It's something they were proud of back in the days… or pretended to be when they had no other option… Back at school, year after year, they watched Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, and Ravenclaws back each other up… spar friendly… form alliances… while they… Slytherins… the human formations of evil since birth…had no choice but to stand for themselves…and themselves only.

It's not like they did anything to change that… the power structures were built during generations… but that's what it was. They were branded… marked before their marks… ambition had begun to be just another word for ruthlessness…cunning for ignorance towards others...

_"The future occupation for Slytherin is a Death Eater!"_ Tracey Davis… kindhearted, sweet Tracey Davis had cried against Daphne Greengrass' shoulder at the beginning of their sixth year.

He had despised her then for speaking such things out loud… even if he kind of agreed… now he understood better.

Granger being here… Granger befriending them might mean it was possible to change the way… at least some people thought about them.

He hadn't thought it that way… but when Theo and Blaise state it out loud… he does understand them.

.

.

.

She sits in the kitchen listening to people talk…feeling like not really there.

The feeling of his hand in hers is still there… The weight of his lips against hers.

This has been the longest day of her life! At least of the life, she can remember.

She thought of telling them she was leaving… but decided not to.

How could she explain where she was going?

So, she is going to write them a note… to tell them she went back to Harry and Ron…

She's going to lie.

And a little voice in her head tells her she should be ashamed of it… but she's not.

She doesn't belong here… not really… Maybe if she was herself… her old self… maybe then.

But she's not… not anymore… and she thinks she can never see the world like she used to.

"Hermione?"

She snaps her head up… They are looking at her questioningly.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"We'll be leaving tomorrow… based on what we've heard, it's better to be closer to Hogwarts so we're changing position. You'll come with us."

No, she won't… but she nods, "Okay."

"Good. Now, it's late and we have much to do tomorrow. Everybody off to bed!" Molly claps her hands together.

She tells them goodnight like every night before… but as soon as she's in her room she calls for Dipsy.

"Miss is ready?" The elf squeaks.

But before she gets to answer, there's a knock on her door.

And before she gets a chance to move, the door is open…

And it's too late…

This is going to mean trouble!


	12. Reunite and overreact

Before she knows what she is doing her wand is out and pointed to the intruder…

Draco taught her to always keep her wand in her sleeve… 

‘It’s fastest to draw from there’… he’d said and showed her how to flick her hand to get it out. 

“Dipsy, stay where you are!” 

The rush of adrenaline flows through her veins. 

Whoever it is, she is ready! 

But the person at the door has already lifted his hands up as a sign of surrender.  

And the world freezes. 

“Hermione…” 

It feels like her past staring at her in the eye… the past that she has long ago left behind. 

Like it’s been years since she last saw him… Like she knew him once but has no idea what kind of a man he is now. 

It’s Ron… 

Tall and skinny Ron, with red hair and freckles on his nose.

Ron, who she remembers has been her friend… Ron, who left them in the middle of the darkest winter…Ron, who came back weeks later as if everything would just go back to normal. Ron, who she remembers angry and accusing and bitter… but her best friend nevertheless.  

But she does remember how torn she felt for him then… And maybe it is wrong of her… but with the memories, she has of him now… she wants to yell at him… wants to blame him of things… wants to tell him to leave her alone so she can do what she was supposed to do! 

Wants to leave him, like he left her… 

But her feet won’t move… her mouth won’t speak the words needed...

Probably Harry is here too…

And they are her best friends… 

How can she leave now? 

Her plan included them… she can’t just disappear! 

But Draco is waiting for her… she promised him… She wants to go to him! 

Think!… Figure out the words needed so that she can leave!

Nothing clever comes to mind… no way she can just go and leave Ron to stand there.  

“Dipsy… I need you to go… tell…” She can’t say Draco in front of Ron! “…Him, that something came up! I’ll explain later!” She whispers hoping the boy at the door is too occupied in watching her that he won’t hear. 

She knows it’s not good enough…and it’s unfair of her… But that’s the best she can do at the moment! Draco has to settle for that! 

Dipsy leaves immediately and Ron’s eyes flick from the place where the elf disappeared to her and back again. 

“What…?” 

“Ron…” She says slowly, and his name sounds weird on her tongue. 

“Merlin Hermione! Where have you been? We were worried sick!” He takes a few steps closer. 

No, you weren’t…she thinks… If you were you would have looked for me… 

She has no idea where this bitterness comes from! 

She should hug him already or this will get weird! 

“RON, Did you find her?” 

Next thing she knows is Harry rushing past Ron and pulling her for a tight hug. 

You left me too… a voice in her head accuses when she hugs him back. 

It was the only choice they had…she tries to think… you wouldn’t have done it any other way! You can’t blame them! 

Harry finally lets her go and now Ron is hugging her… 

The way he wraps his arms around her and buries his face to the crook of her neck…it feels like almost too intimate. 

It’s different than Harry's sincere brotherly hug... and she has a sudden urge to push him away. 

“I thought I lost you!” The boy whispers. 

You did… 

“We did! We both thought we lost you!” Harry states next to them when Ron finally releases her… but keeps holding her hand. 

 “Well, here I am!” She shrugs trying to make up an excuse to make Ron let go. 

Dipsy must have already told Draco she’s not coming… She tries not to think of his disappointed eyes. 

The more present she is now, the better the chance of Ron and Harry leaving soon and her finally being able to talk to him… to explain.  

And to make up another plan… because there’s no way she can just disappear from them again. 

“What’s with the elf?” Ron looks around like Dipsy might still be there. 

“What elf?” Harry mirrors him. 

The first impulse would be to repeat his words… what elf?... but Ron saw Dipsy clearly… so she needs to come up with something! 

Again her mind is blank… It’s pretty hard to lie when you don’t have a clear view of the truth in the first place. 

“Oh, It’s… Dipsy from Hogwarts. She’s been helping me.” The words flow out of her mouth and she hopes it’s possible for Hogwarts’ elves to help random students. 

They don’t completely buy it… she can tell from the look in Harry’s face. 

But he doesn’t ask further. 

It's not a conversation for tonight.

“Remus told us you’ve been having problems with your memories?” Ron leans closet to look at her. 

She wants to take a step back. 

“But it’s better now, is it?” He smiles. 

She has no idea why… why she finds a need to lie to them?  But she nods. 

“What happened after we were thrown in the cell?” 

She tells them the same story she told the others… a story about a muggle lady. 

“But how did you get out?” Harry asks frowning, “Doppy took us, we thought maybe you…” He looks down.

“He told us he couldn’t find you.” Ron continues, “We hoped you managed to get yourself out somehow.” 

“I don’t know… I think I was unconscious… When I woke up, I was in some foreign forest.” She shrugs hoping the holes in her story aren’t big enough for her to fall into, “maybe accidental magic?” 

Harry nods and casts his eyes down, “Doppy died...” 

She has no idea who Doppy is…

“Oh,”

Supposedly they were close? So, she continues, “I’m so sorry Harry.” 

She puts her hand on his shoulder.

The next couple of hours is spent with Harry and Ron telling her all that they’ve been doing lately. 

She sits on her bed… Ron stays next to her and holds her hand the whole time they talk. 

Ans she has no excuse to snatch her hand back… and no idea what had been between them before she…died. 

But the closeness of him makes her feel uneasy. 

Is there something between them she had missed?  

What if they were romantically involved and she has no memory of it? 

What if she is supposed to feel for Ron what she is feeling for Draco? 

He certainly seems to expect her to. 

What if he won’t leave her alone for the night… she needs to make up some excuse to make him get a room of his own!

She listens and half of what they say doesn’t make sense to her. 

Some of it though, goes completely over her head because she’s not listening closely enough… because she worries…

And every once in a while the image of Draco’s eyes interrupt her… The way the pain flashed in them when he told her she shouldn’t want him close… that she’ll change her mind eventually. 

He must think this is the moment… 

She thinks of him, sitting next to the kitchen table in their cottage head in his hands… 

She needs to get to him! 

The faster the better! 

.

.

.

The hours he waits for the evening feel like days… and with every tick of the clock, he expects the catastrophe to hit… waits for the moment the universe finally tells him no! Blocks his stupid ideas of being able to keep her…. crushes his false hopes. 

But the day goes by and nothing fatal happens… 

Maybe she’ll be here soon… maybe this is the one time he gets lucky… Maybe this night he can finally sleep… Maybe tonight she’ll really be in his arms. 

By nightfall, Dipsy pops into the room. 

“Master, Bad news!” 

He jumps up from the bed he has been sitting on. 

So, this is it, the catastrophe? 

“Where is she?” 

Dipsy shakes its head, “Miss is safe Master! But Dipsy is afraid she can’t meet Master tonight.” 

“What is it.” He takes a step closer to the elf… feeling the hope that had been growing in him leak out as the elf starts to speak. 

“Miss and Dipsy were ready to leave…But were interrupted!” 

“By who?” 

“A red-headed boy. Miss told Dipsy to go and tell Master something came up…That Miss will explain later.” 

A red-headed boy… Suddenly it feels like a dementor walked into the room…like the warmth and happiness, he could ever feel has been sucked out of him. 

It could have been one of the Weasley twins… he tries to think… 

But deep inside he knows it wasn’t… that she wouldn’t have sent Dipsy back because of them… She wouldn’t break her promise to him for anyone else! 

Her past has caught up with her… the reality has finally caught up with them. 

And Ron Weasley has finally come to claim what belongs to him. 

He imagines the look on her face when she looks at Weasley. 

And he fucking wants to hit something! 

This is how you lose her… 

Borrowed time… that’s what it was. 

He knew it all along!

In his mind, he can see her flying to the weasel’s arms… he can imagine her lips meeting the ginger's.   

A vase on the desk explodes. 

Dipsy stays silent. 

“So, she is not coming?!” He roars to the elf, “What the fuck you’re still standing there!?” 

Somewhere in his mind, he knows it’s not Dipsy’s fault… but it’s like he has no control over himself at the moment. 

“Go! Leave me the fuck alone!” 

The elf bows and leaves. 

And he smashes his fist against the wall imagining it’s a freckled nose. 

He has been angry before… this is so much more than anger… much more than rage. 

It’s desperation and sorrow and anger and jealousy and loneliness… it’s all the feelings drowning him under. 

Everything was for nothing! All the hope he let himself feel, wasted! 

She will never be his! And he should never have believed…hoped… there could be any other way! 

She would always… even without her memories… choose Weasley over him! Always! 

It’s like the walls of the manor are closing in on him… like it all falls over. 

He needs to get out! 

So, he smashes the door open and rushes down the stairs to the hall. 

“Draco, what’s wrong?” Blaise is standing on his way. 

“Get out of the way!” He spits out. 

But the man isn’t moving, “Where are you going?” 

He pulls the wand out of his sleeve and points it to his friend, “MOVE OR I’LL MAKE YOU!” 

“Draco, what?” 

But Blaise does move, and he rushes past. 

Out of the gates, into the forest, exploding trees from his way.

Boom after boom the logs fall into the ground or shatter into tiny pieces. 

A root of a falling tree trips him over and his hands bury into the soft soil. 

And on his hands and knees in the dirt, he screams. 

Hits the ground and screams. 

Angry tears gather to his eyes and make him even angrier. 

Fuck Weasley! 

What the fuck did he think he is compared to the golden boys? 

A fucking excuse of a man! 

A pathetic clown who fucking hoped her words might actually mean something! 

She told him she’d want him even with her memories and he fucking believed that!? A lovesick fool, too invested in how he felt for her! 

Fucking feelings! They got him in nothing but trouble! 

Fuck fucking Granger! She’s not worth it! 

Yes, she is… She’s worth all of it. 

He has no idea how long he stays there… first screaming and hitting the ground… then getting up and kicking and throwing branches around… and finally sitting against a fallen log staring into nothingness. 

He was ready to let her go when he returned her to the order… but he missed her too much when she was gone… and then Dipsy had brought her back and hope had lit in him again. 

For a moment he really believed they could work it out. 

For a moment he had wanted to prove her, he could be the man she wants! 

But there’s no way… no way in the world he could ever prove to be better for her than Weasley! 

There’s a light in the distance… maybe Theo and Blaise are looking for him. 

He closes his eyes. 

Let them look…

But behind his closed lids the light comes closer... and then someone is in front of him pointing the light to his face. 

He keeps his eyes closed hoping they would go away. 

Nothing matters. 

“Draco.” 

His eyes fly open. 

She has lowered herself to look him in the eyes in the light of her wand. 

Is she real? 

“I’m sorry I was delayed.” She says sheepishly. 

She’s really here? She’s back again? 

As the realization hits him… he’s in no control of his reactions. 

And even if he’ll be ashamed of it later… he feels the tears in his eyes as he reaches for her, buries his face to her hair and takes a grip on the back of her jacket. 

There’s no way he’s never ever going to let her go again! 

He’s never going to let her go to Weasley without a fight! 

He’d do anything to get to keep her! 

He’ll give her whatever she wants if it makes her stay!  

His heart can’t take losing her and finding her and then losing her again anymore! 

“Why does it look like a hurricane went through here?” She whispers against him. 

“Thought you weren’t coming back…” He mutters. 

“Draco,” She pulls back a little, “Look at me!” 

He does… her eyes are bright and sincere and the most beautiful thing he has ever seen! 

“I would never, ever do that to you! No matter what!” 

He shakes his head, “I thought maybe you remembered…” 

“This again? Do you think that after everything that has happened between us, I would just not come back? I would just tell Dipsy to tell you I’m not coming? What kind of a person do you think I am?” She sounds a little frustrated. 

“Wouldn’t blame you…” 

“Shut up Draco!” She snaps, “You don’t get to say that! No matter how you might blame yourself and no matter if you never believe I’d want to be with you, I’m still here! And if I tell you I’ll come back, I’ll come back! Tonight, Harry and Ron burst into my room and I couldn’t very well tell them I was leaving to be with you. I couldn’t send them away just like that!  They are my friends and they’ve been worried about me. And even if I can’t really feel anything for them, I owe them my time…So I sent Dipsy to tell you I’m delayed. I couldn’t explain it further with Ron in the room. But I was never not going to come! I can’t even believe you believed that!” She sounds a little desperate, “Why would you just automatically think I’d leave you like that? I’m not the one who suggested us to be apart in the first place!” She inhales staring at him with blazing eyes, “I would have stayed with you last time too! I WANT TO STAY WITH YOU! What part of that don’t you understand!? And if I got my memory back and suddenly didn’t want to anymore, don’t you think it would be my duty to come and tell it to you too!? Really, honestly, Draco do you think I would just leave you behind?!” 

He shakes his head again, “No…” 

It was kind of a stupid thing of him to think she’d do that… after all, he knew she wasn’t that kind of a person. 

Of course, she would come and tell him… however hard it might be. 

If she didn’t, he should be worried something had happened to her… suddenly he realizes how stupid this was of him…How selfish!

Like the Draco Malfoy in him, who had been used to getting everything…the spoiled, impatient prat…  had thrown a tantrum about her just leaving him for Weasley. 

He really didn’t think she’d do that, did he? 

He just assumed… and then it all boiled over. 

He’s like the biggest a drama queen in history. 

Dipsy had told him she was delayed… Why couldn’t he just wait for her to come and explain? 

He feels embarrassed. 

“You think maybe you overreacted a little?” She asks pointing at the crushed trees… but there's a playful tint in her voice already. 

Maybe he is too adorable to stay mad at… the thought makes him grin a little. 

“Maybe?” He shrugs. 

She starts to laugh and he can't help it, her laughter makes whatever gloom he may have still had, disappear. 

“You are unbelievable Draco Malfoy! Remind me never to be late again if I want things to stay in one piece!” 

“Luckily we have magic!” He gets up and starts to repair the trees. 

And she shakes her head but mirrors his movement to learn the spell and in a few minutes, the forest is back to normal. 

“Can’t blame you for the lack of passion.” She pokes her wand to his chest. 

“Passion’s not all that bad...” He takes her wrist and playfully twists her hand away… “Want a demonstration?” 

He raises an eyebrow and she smiles wickedly. 

“Oh, you wish,” She leans closer, but then snatches her hand from his hold, “Maybe later… we need to make up another plan and we don’t have the whole night!” 

“Pity.” He says and shrugs, “…for you” 

She snorts. 

“You’re unbelievable.” 

“So they say…” 

He gives her his signature smirk...

And she smiles against his lips as he kisses her.

In your face, Weasley! 


	13. Assure and ally

She tells him what Harry and Ron told her… All of it.

Even when she knows they're sworn to secrecy about the whole thing.

She still tells him… tells him that they are probably only missing the diadem of Ravenclaw and the snake…. she tells him about the Deadly Hallows… and their suspicions that it's not just children's story… tells him that Harry and Ron lost the sword of Gryffindor and now they don't have any idea how to destroy the rest of the Horcruxes… if they even happen to find them.

He looks thoughtful as she speaks… but when she asks him what he thinks, he shakes his head.

At the moment he can't tell her any more than she already knows… The Dark Lord never told his followers about the Horcruxes hidden around the country.

She knows he tells her the truth… mostly because she doesn't think he has ever lied to her… some things he refuses to talk about… but he never lies.

It's funny how losing her memories has made her quite good at catching people lying to her… It happens all the time with The Order… and they have no idea that most of the times she knows they're not completely honest with her.

And Harry and Ron… they did talk… eagerly and vividly… but they left things out… and prettied the truth.

She saw it in their eyes… in the ways, they glanced at each other when they thought she wasn't looking… heard it in the way they spoke… like they had planned the words they were going to tell her in advance.

It's not like she can blame them… after all, she does lie to them too.

But if she could be sure they weren't hiding things from her… maybe she could be truthful too.

Draco never lies to her… and she has no need to lie to him.

"I think we need to go check on Blaise and Theo… I left in quite a haste…" He glances back to the manor.

She nods determinedly, even when she feels a little nervous.

.

.

.

So here they are…

Blaise and Theo sitting at the kitchen table and him standing next to Granger.

He doesn't even notice his hand is around her waist before Blaise glances at him and smirks.

Then the boy changes his expression and turns to her with his most charming smile.

"So, Granger. How's your memory? Based on how close you let Draco slither it seems not to have improved much."

"Based on the fact she's here…" Theo mutters.

"Shut up!" He huffs, hoping this isn't going to turn out to be the worst idea ever.

"Even if I don't have a clear view of the past, I think I'm capable enough to make decisions based on what I've figured so far. I'm still a quick learner!" She retorts right back.

Blaise's eyebrows shoot up and he gives Granger an almost seductive grin, "Are you now?"

Being away from school and other people had made him forget how Blaise really is with people… especially women.

Now seeing him openly flirt to Granger… The memories of giggling girls return to his mind.

Blaise always got what he went after…

He doesn't like this one bit!

And jealousy doesn't suit him at all!

It makes him want to break things… preferably on Blaise's head!

"Do tell us Dear Granger, what did you do to Draco to make him storm out the house and blow up half of the forest?" Blaise's voice still has a suggestive note in it.

He wants to tell Blaise to fuck off… She is his girl.

He tightened his grip around her.

"We don't need to talk about this…" He mutters.

But she gives him a reassuring smile, slips away from his hold and makes her way to the table.

"Nothing too serious… you know how he is." She sits down, looks at him and pads the place next to her.

When did she become so certain about herself?

She told him she doesn't remember anything about Blaise and Theo and now she's talking to them like they're old friends…?

"Hey!" He protests, but she smiles at him playfully making him forget what he was about to complain about.

He sits next to her and she lays her hand on his thigh.

He puts his hand on top of hers.

It is like staying a few days with the order has woken her up. Now, she's more like the girl he remembers her being before all this. The clever, sure, heroic… radiating girl, who'd hunted his dreams since he was thirteen.

Earlier, in their cottage… she was herself, yes… but melancholy and a little lost and confused.

Here now, she doesn't look so lost anymore as she throws sharp looks to his friends.

And when she looks at him...

Before, her look used to be questioning… almost shy… like she had to consider his mood every moment… Now her eyes are bright and assuring… like she knows what she wants… what he wants… like she doesn't need to hold her feelings back anymore.

He likes it… and it scares him to death… because no matter how certain she is…

SHE STILL DOESN'T HAVE HER MEMORIES!

Nothing has really changed… and yet everything has…

He wonders if this feeling of doubt will ever leave him alone!

Probably not…

"First of all, Princess, tell us again how this…" Theo points at the two of them, "…Came to be? I mean we heard his story… but you know, given your history… This all sounds a little unbelievable for us."

He's already regretting bringing her here… the point was not for them to start questioning her!

Could they just for a minute not try to make her feel as uncomfortable as possible!

He's just about to tell them that… but she glances at him… and he has to nod… because, yes, he has already told them what happened.

So, she tells them the whole story again. Explains how she was captured and tortured and finally killed. Speaks about the platform and the train. Tells them how he brought her back and how she didn't remember even her name … How her memories come back in bits and pieces here and there…. and how she still doesn't remember everything but how it's easier to put the pieces together now.

Blaise and Theo stare at her suspiciously… he wants to tell them to stop looking like that and fucking trust her words… she's telling them the truth and they should be thankful! It's more than she told her best friends!

He huffs aloud but everyone ignores him.

"Why on earth was Draco the one to take you back? You were never that close? why not Potter or Weasley, or any other of your hero friends?" Blaise asks crossing his arms.

"You think we haven't wondered that?" He spits before she gets to answer anything.

She squeezes his hand and answers calmly, "I tried to read about it… but there is a limited number of books at the order headquarters… and I need to read at night so no one comes to ask what I'm looking for."

"Why?" Theo shoots rapidly.

"I don't want them to find out." She confesses.

"Why?" Theo asks again.

She shrugs… he has been wondering the same thing… why is she lying to them?

"I don't trust them…" She mutters silently… casting her eyes down.

Suddenly he feels guilty for bringing her here… she doesn't trust her friends… but he had still taken her here and she had shared her story with his friends instead.

Did he push her to do something she really didn't want to do?

Did he force her to trust his friends against her will?

Had he asked her if she wanted any of this?

It's the doubt again… and he fucking hates it!

But she continues: "I mean… they all seem to expect something of me! Like I should know things… I mean, I did tell them my memory is not what it used to be… but no one seemed to care! They just continued to talk to me like I knew what they were talking about! I had spent weeks with Draco who always knew when I didn't understand something… always explained… and suddenly I was the one who should have been able to explain!"

She glances at him again and smiles faintly… "I think losing my memories has made me realize how deep we are in the roles given to us... and how people hold on to those roles, even when the whole world screams that everything is different now."

Her deep eyes are locked with his, and for a moment nothing else exists….

Like there is just her… her eyes on his… and her hand warm on his… her, telling him again, that everything is different… that the future is for them to decide.

"You two are so sweet I almost want to throw up." Blaise's words snap him back to reality.

She snorts.

"So, you think we are not who everyone thinks we are?" Theo seems to not give a shit about how sweet they are.

What on earth does he need?

"I think everyone has a role to play… we all live in roles rooted so deep it makes them hard to be broken, so we finally let them define who we are. We all live in cages with doors wide open! That is why we're in this war in the first place, isn't it?" She pauses, but doesn't wait for their answer, "These roles, the society gives us by our birth: Pureblood, Halfblood, Muggleborn… Or our school: Gryffindor, Slytherin, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw…labels we give each other: Death eater, mudblood, Order member, blood traitor, good, brave, evil… People fight because they think their label gives or denies them rights. If we were all just witches and wizards and forgot about the labels… would we still be at war? But now, even if Harry destroys the dark lord… it doesn't change the labels… Some of us, we are already braided with ours. And the physical marks will never fade… they remind us and the rest of the world about the role we once played…we need to be able to forgive ourselves... and others... to fix this! We need to choose to do better! All of us!"

They're all staring at her now. But she continues: "So taking down the Dark Lord needs to be done first, yes … but it's not even nearly enough! The world needs to do so much more to prevent this from happening again!"

Silence…

So, this is why she's different now?

He glances her sideways… she's sitting head high, eyes blazing with determination…

And that's the moment he suddenly realizes: She's not different, she's herself!

The realization makes him feel things… different things… for her…. Things, he doesn't remember feeling before… The memoryless, lonely, fragile version of her needed his protection and comfort… and her state made him constantly fear that he was using her goodwill and fragile state…

But this brave, determined girl… She'll never let anyone take advantage of her… she stands up for herself… she's here, holding his hand because she wants to.

He wants to kiss her right then… to bang her against the wall and snog her senseless… to let out everything he has been holding back…

She's everything he ever wanted! And she's here because she wants to be here!

He wants to laugh out loud.

But maybe this is not the most ideal situation to burst out laughing.

"Okay, I can't believe I'm going to say this," Theo ends the silence, "But what you say Princess, actually makes sense. So, I think Blaise agrees," The dark boy nods, "We will help you."

She smiles at them… and all the tension leaves the room… and his mind.

Even his heart feels lighter.

They're his friends… He should have trusted them in the first place!

It's time to show her why he really wanted to bring her here.

"So now that it's settled. I think Blaise can offer you a working ground to start from." He gets up… and feels a little excited because he knows she's going to like what they are about to show her.

So, they make their way to the large doors at the end of the hallway.

She's by his side, looking interested and curious as Blaise opens the door.

And they step inside.

He'll never, as long as he shall live, forget the look on her face when she sees what it is.

The way her eyes start to sparkle and her lips part slightly… the way the awe and excitement spread to her face… The way she claps her hands together… It's just priceless!

"Oh, God." She whispers as she walks further.

Blaise flicks his wand to light up all the candles in the room.

It's not as grand as in Malfoy Manor... but The Zabini manor library… is a vision!

Hundreds and hundreds of books on shelves reaching from the floor to the high ceiling.

Books, centuries old and then those, dated for the present year.

Blaise takes a lot of pride from keeping the library up to date.

But all he can see at this moment is her… the wonder in her eyes when she walks along the corridors studying the shelves.

The candlelight casts shadows to her face as she walks and travels her finger along the rows…

This is Hermione Granger!

She's here… and she's real… and she will not just suddenly slip away!

Maybe it's time for him to finally believe that.

"You're one lucky bastard Draco…" Blaise mutters looking at her too, "I mean, look at her… she could be anywhere… to do anything… but she's here… she chose to be here, with you of all people. You should never take her, being here, for granted."

He shakes his head, "I won't."

.

.

.

It's nearly morning when Blaise and Theo retire to bed.

She knows she should probably go back to The Order… But there's still a couple of hours left before anyone wakes up… and they're finally alone.

She opens her mouth to speak… but before any other sound, a yawn escapes her lips.

"You should get some sleep."

She nods… now, when she thinks about it, she's not sure when was the last time she slept well.

Probably at the cottage…

"I'll get Dipsy to get you home." He nods when she doesn't say anything.

But she doesn't have to go yet… so she puts her hand on his arm.

"You know…" She doesn't know why she feels nervous all of a sudden, "I've really missed sleeping with you."

She realizes it came out wrong the moment the words are out of her mouth… Her cheeks heat up.

His eyebrows shoot up and a smirk rises to his face.

"No… it came out wrong! not that I don't… I… I meant… oh, never mind!" She mumbles, hating that she's probably bright red already.

He laughs out loud, putting a hand around her.

"I know what you meant Granger." He whispers in a low growl… and she's not sure what was it she really meant after all, "I sleep better with you anyway."

He winks at her and starts to lead her upstairs.

Just sleep… like before…

Why does he make her so nervous now!?

She was never nervous sleeping in his bed before!

But it was before they'd kissed… before she told him she would have loved him… before he told her he loved her all along.

It was easy to keep it platonic then… but now… platonic is not how she'd describe her feelings for him.

But her worries disappear when they lie down… because this, him holding her as she sleeps, is familiar and feels right!

So, she snuggles close to him, and he puts his arms around her… just like all those days ago at their cottage.

She sighs deeply… he smells familiar and his arms are strong and certain… and she feels safe.

This is where she belongs.

"Just a few hours…" She mumbles against him and as she falls asleep, she feels him kiss her tenderly on the forehead.

"Sleep well, Hermione." He whispers.

And she smiles, as the sleep takes hold of her.


	14. Confess and confirm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t thank you enough for your lovely comments and kudos! Love you endlessly!

He's laying on his side… studying her as she wakes up.

She smiles at him.

It's been only a few hours… but already almost her time to go.

"You need to tell them." He whispers, "About your memory."

"Why?" She asks moving her lips only barely.

"They'll take you to war... They'll expect things from you if you don't"

She wants to tell him not to worry about her… that she can take care of herself…

But she also knows he's right…

She has to tell them.

She owes them as much.

And they need to know.

"Just that you don't remember… maybe not about me… or Blaise or Theo… if you don't want to…"

She nods, "You're right."

"I usually am…" He smirks, even if his eyes are still a bit sorrowful.

"Prat." She smacks his arm playfully and gets up, "I really need to go."

He takes her hand and she turns to look at him…

He's still leaning against the pillows, his deep grey eyes focused on her.

His hair is wildly ruffled… she thinks it makes him look almost angelic.

Give me one good excuse… she thinks… and I'll stay.

But there is none… none, The Order would believe, that would justify her suddenly disappearing.

"I like your hair like that." She leans closer and pecks him on the lips, ruffling his hair even more.

"What? Like a mess?"

She nods.

"Well, I must remember to ask you for styling tips then… you seem to know everything about messed hair." There's a smile in his voice.

"Prat!" She tells him again.

He laughs out loud.

.

.

.

Dipsy returns her back to The Order.

And she stands in her room… wondering how is she going to do this?

How should she tell them she lied? How does she face Ron… and confesses to him she has no idea what's been going on between them? And moreover… that she is not going to just carry on where they left off?

She takes a deep breath… maybe… just maybe… because they were… are… her best friends… maybe they'll understand.

So, she pushes her door open and makes her way downstairs...and they're all there.

And she wants to be happy to see them… wants with all of her…

But her heart… it longs to sit in a different table… with different people.

She's still a stranger here.

Harry seems to be on the same page with her… because he stands upright when she enters.

"Hermione, we need to talk."

His declaration startles her a little… she had been prepared to tell them that…

But she follows Harry to the drawing room and Ron closes the door behind them.

"We can't stay here." Harry tells her after casting a quick silencing spell around the room, "We have to keep going. There's still a lot to do… I was hoping you could..."

But she lifts her hand up to stop him.

They want her with them…and she can't go…

"Harry… before you go any further… I need to tell you both something." She sits down hoping them to follow her example.

They don't… but remain standing.

Silence falls.

She feels lost… and lonely…

So very lonely…

"'Mione, what is it?" Ron takes a few steps closer.

"I lied to you." She blurts out… and immediately hopes she would have planned her speech better.

"What?"

But she has to get it out… now that she already started.

"You asked if my memory is better now… and I said yes… and in a way it's true… but not completely." She looks from Ron's confused face to Harry's frown.

"I mean… when I woke up after the manor… I remembered nothing… not even my name. And things that have come back since then… they are splinters… bits and pieces… Remus borrowed me a pensive and it helped me to organize my mind a bit… and most of the time I'm able to count one and one together to connect pieces of information I already know… but it's not clear… Our years in Hogwarts, for example… I remember events here and there… but mostly they are hazy and blurred from the edges… I don't know the people who I'm supposed to be friends with. I can't find names for faces… and I can't remember how I felt for most of them… if I liked them… if they liked me… If they appreciated me… or thought I was a stuck-up-know-it-all."

Ron tries to interrupt, but she won't let him, "People ask me things and expect me to understand… mostly I don't… but act as if I do! For weeks I had no idea how your faces looked like… and now that you're here… I don't remember most of our friendship… I have no idea how we became friends… how we became so close we're apparently ready to die for each other."

They look taken aback… almost shocked… and she goes on, "Sometimes I get feelings… about people or places… like halos of a memory… And when you walked in my room last night…"

She's going to hurt them… but she has to say this… so she gets up and faces Ron, "I have no idea what has been between us, Ron… All I remember is bitterness… and betrayal... I remember your anger and accusation… one of the first things I remembered about both of you was you two fighting… and you leaving. And how I ran after you… And I have no idea what happened after that… It's different from what I feel for Harry… I feel he's my friend… even if I don't remember fully… but you… I wish I remembered what happened… and I'm sorry… but I have no idea."

Ron's shaking now.

She feels so guilty… but she can't lie to him… the truth will hurt less in the end.

"It will come back though?" Harry asks quietly.

She shakes her head, "I don't know…"

"You found your way here anyway?"

She wished this wouldn't come up.

"Or is there something else you're not telling us?" There's bitterness in Ron's voice.

She doesn't blame him.

And when she doesn't answer straight away, he raises his voice, "Do you know what the Horcrux showed me before I destroyed it?"

She shakes her head again, "I told you…"

"It showed me how you chose Harry! You told me I was nothing compared to him! AND NOW YOU TELL ME IT WASN'T ONE OF YOU-KNOW-WHO's PLOTS, BUT THE FUCKING TRUTH!?"

"Ron, calm down… she didn't…" Harry tries with a quiet voice.

"BECAUSE WHAT AM I COMPARED TO HIM, HUH?!"

"Ron…" She tries to touch his arm… but he yanks it away.

"DON'T TOUCH ME! You enjoyed it didn't you!? To play us both? to see me pinning after you when you had no intention of choosing me! You DECEITFUL BITCH!"

"RON!" Harry takes a step forward.

But she has had enough.

"NO! You don't get to say that to me! I told you! I don't remember! You have no idea what I've been through since that day at the Manor! I didn't even know I was magical! I didn't remember anyone! Not even myself! I HAD NOTHING! And you dare to make this some kind of a love triangle?! If it is this important, if it was so serious you find it your right to start calling me names, then PLEASE TELL ME! Explain to me Ron, what was it between us?"

They stare at each other… all three of them… Harry with visible discomfort… Ron, ears red and face angry… and her trying to look determined and soft at the same time.

She doesn't want to fight them… But she's not going to take his accusations just like that.

She has a feeling, that's not her!

"Tell me what I don't remember?" She whispers.

He looks down… almost embarrassed… and then he tells her how he always imagined they would be together… that finally, she'd be his…

And she is relieved when she understands: it was nothing… just a teenage crush… an infatuation… a bunch of daydreams, hopes, and fantasies that had nothing to do with reality.

But as he talks, she remembers…

Another boy… tall and broody… calling her Hermoneninny… Smiling down at her as her heart fluttered… and then Ron yelling her about fraternizing with the enemy… Her in a beautiful blue dress crying in a hallway…

She remembers laughing at Ron's jokes… and giving him hopeful glances…

Then a girl with shining blond hair… a bang of stone-cold jealousy…

She remembers birds charging towards him by her order…

And his arms around her as they dance under fairy lights… then, him leaving again…asking her to come with him… asking her to abandon Harry…

And finally the way a shy grin spread to his face when he returned...

She loved him… she did… or the girl she was before, did love him… or wanted to love him…so hard she had forgiven him… almost anything…

Why did Draco think she couldn't forgive him… when she had forgiven Ron for so many times?

Maybe he didn't know?

Draco… Suddenly she realizes why he had thought she was not coming back… he was afraid she'd choose Ron!

She almost snorts aloud… so Ron thinks she wants Harry and Draco was sure she'd choose Ron!

And on top of everything… Harry and Ron would probably throw a fit if they knew who it really was, she wanted!

What a mess.

"I'm not choosing Harry, Ron! But I'm not choosing you either… at least not like you want me to. And I can't go with you… I'd only be on your way."

Silence follows her words…

"I have to figure out what's wrong with me." She says quietly, looking at Harry now.

Because she somehow knows that he understands.

"What if we wait?" Harry asks hopefully.

But she shakes her head, "There's no time, is there?"

Harry too shakes his head slightly.

"You're doing it again…" Ron mutters and when they turn to look at him, he shrugs "Turn to him, when there's something important to discuss."

"Ron will you please just let that go already?" Harry snaps, "Don't you think this is a bit more important than your jealousy? Besides, do you really think we'd do that to you? Me and her… best friends don't do things like that behind each ohers backs!"

Ron flushes and shuts his mouth.

.

.

.

The day, she spends with them… asking questions Draco had no answers for.

Harry tells her gladly… but Ron still seems distant and a little scornful.

She hopes things will get better between them…eventually… but she has no time to mollify him now.

Because as the night falls and everyone has gone to bed… Harry and Ron prepare to tell her goodbye, again.

They are not going to tell anyone they're leaving… mostly because they don't want anyone with them.

Harry has told her all they know about the diadem and she has promised to look if she can find something for them… other than that, she has no idea where they are going.

And now… as they're ready to leave… she feels the familiar guilt… because of no matter how she wanted to be truthful to them… she's lying again.

Because she's not going to stay here.

She's going to use them leaving as a disguise for her own disappearance.

The others in the house will never know she didn't leave with the boys… or at least not before it'll be impossible to find her anymore.

So, she hugs them for goodbye.

And the moment they are gone she rushes to her room and calls Dipsy.

"Miss is ready?" The elf sounds excited.

She smiles at it and nods.

Theo is the only one in the kitchen as she enters.

"Princess! Didn't expect to see you here!"

She grimaces, "Would it be possible for you to stop calling me that?"

"Think not, Princess." Theo smirks, "Old habits die hard, you know."

She sighs.

"So, the wonder-duo went to sleep?"

She shakes her head, "No, they left again. And I thought I could stay here…"

Theo's eyes are calculating.

When the boy says nothing she shrugs, "Maybe I should ask Blaise if that's okay."

"And if he says no, Draco will kill him… of course, you can stay, Princess. Didn't we promise to help you?" Theo drawls like he's bored of this conversation.

"I wasn't sure…" She mutters.

"If we were serious?" Theo lifts an eyebrow, "Typical!"

"That was not what I meant!"

"Save it, Princess."

And Theo walks out… leaving her to wonder, what was that all about.

.

.

.

It's late when Theo knocks at his door and peaks in.

"Your girl's downstairs. Thought you might want to know."

"Who?"

Theo rolls his eyes, "What do you think, Pansy?"

But he has already realized what the boy is talking about.

She's here… already?

He was not sure if she'd be able to come tonight…so he had tried not to put too much hope into it.

Theo has already gone to his own room when he makes his way to the hallway.

Only to meet her halfway to the kitchen.

"Hi." She tells him… her tone cheery.

He likes that!

"Hey, yourself. I wasn't sure you'd come tonight."

"I told them."

His eyes widen a bit… she did?

He encouraged her to… but was also doubtful she'd do it.

Besides she looks way too happy to be told them… maybe he should have given the wonder duo a little more credit…

"And?" He asks her now.

"And they took it okay." She says but then rolls her eyes, muttering: "Especially Harry."

"And?"

She shrugs, "And they understood… at least enough."

That's still not all, so he takes a step closer, "And?"

"And they left again…"

Her eyes drop from his eyes to his lips and then she snaps them back at him again.

"And?" He whispers…

"And no one knows I didn't leave with them."

She's so close he can feel her breath on his face as she speaks

"So?" He raises an eyebrow.

"So, no one waits for me back."

It's her who closes the inches between them and kisses him.

And as their lips meet the glorious realization hits him: She's staying!

So, he grabs her hand, pulls her through the hall, into his room and slams the door shut.

Her free tingling laughter fills the room as he pushes her to his bed…


	15. Extricate and experience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lighter chapter and some fluff ahead! Let's get our favorite couple down to business, shall we? 
> 
> Warnings: References to same sex relationships and mildly sexual content. Nothing graphic!

Two weeks is what they get.

Two weeks in the spring sunlight.

Those days will probably always be a memory that glisters in gold in his mind.

It's almost like being back to Hogwarts and Slytherin dorms in their better days.

For a brief moment, they are just four young adults… living life like it's supposed to be lived at their age.

No one is looking for them… and even if someone is… they don't know how to find them.

He doesn't have to wake up every morning, fearing this might be the day someone is going to attack him… or take her away.

And she… she's on her element… going through the books in the library… looking for useful information.

It takes two days for Blaise and Theo to get used to her presence… after that, it's like they never doubted they'd all get along… like they never despised the likes of her… like she never felt she needed to prove herself to them…

They read books of memory loss… of dying and afterlife… secret documents about the studies of the veil in the department of mysteries… of wandlore… and the histories of dark wizards…

Follow the tracks of Ravenclaw's diadem… and of the Elder Wand…

Try to separate fact from fiction and truth from wild rumors… mostly it's nearly impossible.

She loves it! He can see it in the way her eyes sparkle.

Her enthusiasm amuses Blaise and Theo… but the three of them are used to study… they did study in their time at Hogwarts! They wanted to do good! Or maybe it was partly because their parents wanted… demanded, them to do good… and partly because they wanted to beat her.

Now, he realizes that was never even possible… because the way she dives into her books…the way she skims through the pages… the rapid movement of her eyes as she reads…

She is the brightest witch of their age… and there is no doubt she earned the title!

.

.

.

She loves it!

The smell of old books… the secrets they tell her… the way information stitches together.

Of course, it is partly because her study partners are fast and witty too.

And they catch up with her in ways, she thinks…probably… no one ever had.

Their notes make sense… They can take in new information and not be completely thrown off the trail…

And the laid-back way they do it all… it makes all of this feel like free time activity.

She knows Draco looks at her when she sits in the library, reading… sometimes she lifts her eyes to meet him and they share a secret smile.

The days in the Zabini manor… each happier than the last… feel almost too good to be true.

Everyone is at ease… even with the war looming in the background.

Dipsy and Bunny spy on both sides of the war and inform them if something changed.

It's almost as if the war can't touch them here…

All too good… but she is not going to worry about it!

They are doing what she had promised Harry and Ron she'd do! And that is all she needs to care about.

And this careless attitude is what they live in now.

It almost feels like she'd always known them…

When they sit in the kitchen in the evenings and debate about stupid things… or talk about serious things… spice their comments with sarcasm…or joke about everything…

It's like she belongs here…. with Draco's hand loosely around her shoulder and smile on everyone's faces.

Like there was nowhere better she should be.

"Blaise and Theo are sleeping in same bed…" She tells him one evening after they've gone to bed.

"What?"

She almost giggles at how wide his eyes get.

"They're… what?"

She laughs out loud then, "You should have seen your face! I saw Theo slip in Blaise's room the other day… I thought it was obvious."

"Do you think they are…" He pauses, still sounding like he can't believe what she has just said.

She shrugs, "Would it bother you if they are?"

"YES!" He blurts out and she wiggles her eyebrows.

"I mean no…" He continues, "It's not that they can't like whoever they want… And Theo I can understand… but Blaise? Back at school, he was known for his womanizing skills!"

"Oh, come on! He's not into girls! It's written all over him! Haven't you noticed"

"Um…no?"

She kisses his nose "How sweetly innocent of you!"

"He did suggest once… but I thought it was a joke…" He mutters and then buries his face in the pillow groaning.

She yanks the pillow away from him, "Must bother you that you missed your chance?"

He tries to snatch it, but she pulls her hand back so that he ends up lying half on top of her, his face only inches from hers.

"No." He says and lands his lips on hers.

She laughs and drops the pillow to the floor to bury her hands to his hair.

.

.

.

It's been a long day in the library once again…

Come evening Blaise slams a bottle of Firewhiskey on the table.

"I think I need a drink." He declares and pours the thick drink in four classes.

"I think you could drink one glass at a time." Theo points out.

But Blaise snorts and glides the glasses through the table to each of them.

"Let's play a game." Theo maneuvers frowning Blaise to sit down.

He frowns too… because games in Slytherin never ended… well, let's say… innocently.

But when he glances at her, she is smiling, leaning forward with an interested look on her face.

What the hell… he shrugs mentally… game on.

"What are we playing?" She takes her glass, tastes her whiskey and grimaces.

"Never have I ever. If you're not too scared to reveal your secrets, Princess." Theo grins slyly.

"Oh, you wish, Nott." She laughs.

So, they play… but after a few rounds, they realize she doesn't remember what she has done, so she barely ever drinks.

She smirks, telling them that she was never more grateful for her memory loss than now.

After that, they turn the game around, stating: I have… instead of never have I ever.

"You're such Slytherins!" She groans rising her glass to her lips for the fifth time in a row and makes a face.

Then she leans to him and whispers, "Or are you trying to get me drunk?"

Shivers run down his spine when her lips move closer to his ear. And as he turns to look at her eyes, they're dark and shining.

Alcohol makes him feel at ease and bold.

She grins wickedly.

He wants to kiss her… but Blaise lets out a cough and she pulls back from him.

"Let's play something else." She leans in and takes the empty bottle from the table.

"I'm not kissing either of them as a dare!" He tells her right away.

She rolls her eyes, "Then let's just play truth. If the bottle points at you, you need to answer one question truthfully. The answer must be yes or no. If no, you remain still, if yes, you drink. No explanations needed."

"Did you just make this game up?" He asks her.

She shrugs, "Maybe… or maybe I just remembered playing it."

He doubts it…

But they play anyway.

She spins and the bottle points to Theo.

"Are you into guys?" She asks straight away.

He has a feeling this was the reason she wanted to play this… to get the truth out of them.

"Who did you say was the Slytherin here?" Blaise asks quietly, following his train of thought.

Theo stares straight at her for a long time, before lifting the glass to his lips.

"I told you!" She turns to him with a wide wild smile.

And he has to laugh at her victorious face as Theo spins.

The game goes on…

Did he regret being a Death Eater… Hell yes!

Was Millicent Blaise's first kiss… Hell No!

Had Theo done it with girls… yes.

Was Krum Granger's first boyfriend… no… but she also explains that she had a crush on him, but she didn't remember him being her boyfriend.

Was his first time with Pansy… yes… though he didn't really want to think about it.

Did Blaise know he was into men when he had all those girls… yes… and no further explanation… just a smirk.

Had Granger ever thought she could be with a girl… no.

Was Theo sleeping in Blaise's bed… duh, yes.

And so forth…

As the bottle spins over and over again, he studies her… she looks careless and free and so happy. Not at all like a stuck-up-know-it-all… but like a girl… having fun with her friends…

This side of her was new to him… this girl who drank her whiskey with a smirk and raised her finger to her lips to tell them she was not going to explain further… He was not even sure if Potter and Weasley had ever seen this side of her… She had never seemed like having-a-wild-party-side- kind of a girl.

But he likes this side of her too! This side of her makes him feel excited…

Then the bottle once again stops to him… and Theo grins widely, "Do you love her?" He asks with a voice dripping with alcohol, pointing at Granger.

He looks at her… Her eyes are wide and shining as she returns his gaze, locking their eyes together.

And he lifts the glass to his lips never breaking the eye contact… and drinks it dry.

Yes, he does… so much he never thought it's possible to love someone…

And day by day… he just loves her more…

And he'd do anything for her to love him too.

Blaise gets another full bottle into the table and the world starts to get a little hazy.

He remembers someone putting on music…

And then they sing and dance to the songs he thinks he has never heard before.

Free is all he can feel as he spins her around in his arms…

And it feels glorious!

Finally, he carries her upstairs… with her head pressed against his neck.

"I love you too, Draco, you know that, right?" She slurs against him.

"Tell me when you remember." He tells her once again.

"But I want to tell you now!" She lifts her head up to look at him, "I want to tell you all the time!"

He opens the bedroom door and puts her down to bed.

She pulls him forward… and maybe it's because of the alcohol, but he goes down with her…

And now he's laying on top of her and she wraps her legs around him.

"Hey…" She whispers and kisses him.

Her kiss is intoxicating… She tastes like whiskey and strawberries…

The kiss grows passionate and needy… she nibs his lower lip and he has to swallow a groan…

But even in the state of drunkenness… he knows this is where he has to draw the line.

"Draco…" She whispers… kissing his neck… putting her hands under his shirt.

"Hermione… stop." He tries to wiggle free… but she lifts her hips up to him… and the groan escapes him.

"Come on… I know you want to…" The seductive tone in her voice does not make getting away any easier.

"I… we can't!" He breaths against her neck…trying to think something unattractive.

"I can feel you want me…" Her hands travel on his bare back.

"You're drunk." He tells her patiently… more patient than he feels.

"So are you!" She bites his earlobe.

"That's the problem…" He tries to breathe deeply.

Someone should give him a trophy for his self-control!

Suddenly she freezes and leans a little further, giving him a surprised look.

"That's the problem?"

"Well… obviously." He mutters…trying to not meet her desirable eyes.

"I thought it was my memory?"

"I got over it."

"Gosh, Draco! Why didn't you say so!" suddenly she seems to be a lot more sober, than a minute ago.

"Say what?"

She pushes him off of her… and rolls over so that she is half leaning on top of his chest.

"That you're not holding back because of my memory!?"

He shrugs… "I wanted to give you time."

"Aww! You're such a gentleman Draco." And the drunkenness is back in her voice.

"Yeah, whatever."

It's not like he doesn't want her… He just does not want to push her where she is not ready to go…yet...

He gets up and goes to the toilet… when he gets back she's already fast asleep.

.

.

.

She wakes up to the light of the morning.

The lights feel too bright… and her head feels like it weights a hundred tons.

She groans and buries her head to the pillow.

Firewhiskey was definitely not her thing!

Opening her eyes, she spots a vial on her bed table.

It's a half-full small bottle that says: Hangover.

For a split second, she wonders who would bottle hangover… then realizes what it probably means and feels extra stupid…

It's a cure…and she feels it instantly as she pours the liquid down her throat.

Just like that her feeling is back to normal… except for the hazy memories of last night… she groans again.

But then again…

He did say it's only because she is drunk.

She glances at the bathroom door… he's in the shower… she can hear it… can imagine his bare muscular chest…

She shakes her head... What's wrong with her?

It was all supposed to be because of the firewhiskey… but there's no more whiskey in her system… but the need is still there.

His bare back… with water dripping down and his muscles moving…

Her mouth goes dry…

She wouldn't even know what she is doing! She has no memories… of other than kissing…

The look in his eyes when he's laying on top of her… him pinning her against the wall… caging her with his strong arms…

She's going to be in so much trouble…

But she gets out of the bed… and makes her way to the bathroom door.

Alohomora

And she's in… only a thin shower curtain between them…

She closes her eyes briefly… an image of her hands running down his naked body flashes her mind…

Oh, God… What on earth is she doing?

She locks the door… and lets her dress from last night drop to the floor…

What the hell… Here goes nothing…

So she takes one more deep breath… and pushes the curtain aside, stepping under the spray of water.

He snaps his eyes open and she's not sure if he's more shocked or surprised, "Granger, what the hell?"

She shrugs innocently, trying to keep her voice calm, "I'm not drunk anymore."

He lets out a low growl and then she is showed against the tiles and his wet lips are on hers, hard and demanding and needy... and her hands running along his bare chest...

She has no idea if she has done this before… but it doesn't matter…

Not when his hands tangle in her wet hair…

When she circles her hands around his pelvis and grabs his tight ass, pulling him closer against her…

Not when his hands and lips are all over her skin… When she wraps her legs around him and he thrusts her against the wall… Whispering her name…

He's the only one she wants to remember… only one she needs to remember…

He's perfect…

And he's hers… body and mind… And she is never going to let him go.

Boys like him…are exactly for girls like her!


	16. React and proceed

Nothing good is forever…

No sunshine lasts for endless days…

The shadows fall finally…

She curls up in an armchair in the library looking out as the rain falls against the windows…

And she knows… for absolute certainty… that the days of chill happiness… are over soon.

Because one thing was clear from the beginning: if they ever want to be fully free….they eventually have to fight…

No matter if she hates it…no matter how it frightens her…. no matter how the boys pretend it doesn't touch them…. They all know that if…when…the call comes…they'll all fight.

If not for anyone else… but for themselves….and each other.

For you…. He had whispered to her one night… I fight for you…nothing else.

For yourself…she had answered… For the future…

"Are you sleeping, Granger?" It's Blaise, standing by the door.

She gets up and shakes her head.

"Come on, I think we found it." He tells her, and she follows him to the kitchen.

Hopeful…

and scared to death…

And yes, they've found it… the Elder Wand…

It took days to follow the tracks of powerful wizards.

Endless hours of research and dead ends.

"It had to be Grindelwald's." Blaise points at the papers they have spread to the table.

One look and she knows he's right.

"And Dumbledore killed him… so…"

"I think the wand was buried with him…" Draco whispers next to her.

The most powerful wand in the world, was buried with Dumbledore?

Not the best place to keep it safe… though no one probably knew what they were burying.

That means The Dark Lord probably has it already…

But there's something Draco told her about wands, the first time they discussed them… the alliance…

"But even if The Dark Lord has the wand… he didn't win it… so it's not completely in his control?"

Hope… that's what she feels when she looks at them.

Voldemort might have the death stick… but does it work right in his hand?

"When the master of the wand dies the wand is master-less… like yours." He mutters.

But the excitement bubbles in her… because that's not the case!

"No, someone killed Dumbledore! Someone won the wand… didn't they?"

It's like the time stops for a minute there… like no one even dares to breathe…

Everyone's just staring at one another across the table…

She can almost hear the imaginary chess pieces move on the game board…

Could it be, they have information that the Dark Lord doesn't?

"Snape…" Theo whispers after a while.

She glances at Draco… He's pale… paler than usually… staring at Theo, like he has seen a ghost.

The look on his face chills her insides.

There's something more to this…something, he knows, that'll change things…

"What is it?" She lowers her hand on his arm.

Slowly… so very slowly… he turns to look at her and shakes his head.

She already almost knows what it is… it's in his eyes… in the fear and shock radiating from him.

"He was wandless before he was killed?" Her brain is working on overdrive… trying to put together what it might mean.

Like in slow motion Theo and Blaise turn to look at him too, as he nods.

She closes her eyes… And his words about him being the reason Dumbledore is dead ring in her ears…

"You disarmed him before that?"

"Shit…" Theo mutters as he nods again, his face hard.

"Draco…" She fixes her eyes on him, "You're the master of the Elder Wand..."

.

.

.

The world is all kinds of fucked up!

He stares back at her as the words sink in.

He is the master of the Elder Wand?!

The wand he had thought was a children's story, for all his life… and now it's real! And suddenly the most powerful wand in the world!

And of all people who could be its master… it fucking has to be him?!

It's almost as if the fate has some ploy against him!

Every time things have started to work out, even remotely like he wished, something worse is waiting just outside the corner.

"We have to find Harry…" She still hasn't lifted her eyes from his.

and he knows she is right.

Because the best chance for the boy-wonder to beat the Dark Lord… is with the Elder Wand… and with this newfound information… Potty finally has a shot.

"Shouldn't we like, I don't know, make some kind of a plan?!" Theo asks, having recovered from the initial shock.

She's shaking her head, "No time! We can't hold this back any more than we have to!"

So, they send Dipsy to find them…once again… hoping this time it won't take too long…

Meanwhile, she goes back to the library, muttering: "I'll think of something."

And he follows her…

Because he really doesn't know what else he's supposed to do!

He feels numb… like all this was a little too much, a little too soon, for him to comprehend.

They sit on the armchairs… she pretends she's reading… but he can tell, it's only for show… her eyes are not moving along the lines.

He doesn't even bother to pretend… but sits gloomily… staring to nothingness… and every once in a while, to her.

After some minutes she puts the book down, "What is it?"

"What?"

But he knows she's not going to be convinced.

"If there's something you'd like to say, just say it!"

There are a million things he'd like to say… but it's not the time for them yet… so he tells her the first thing coming to his mind: "I don't want you to fight."

She looks at him seriously, "And I don't want you to… but there's not much of a chance, is there?"

"We, me and Blaise and Theo, could go and tell Potter…"

But she's shaking her head, "Do you think they'd give you a chance to talk? Do you think they'll allow you to explain? And even if they do… do you think they'd believe you if I'm not there?"

No…

She's right… no, they won't…

"Can't we just find Potter, make him disarm me and then get the hell out of it?"

She smiles a little, "You think it could be that simple?"

Again… she's right… it can't…

They look at each other in silence for a while.

The floors of the old house creak… and he can hear the wind in the walls.

"When this is all over… we will have time again." She tells him finally.

But he doesn't believe it… that's not how the world works for him.

It feels like the walls closing in.

He leans forward to put his face in his hands and rubs his eyes.

The world is just fucked up!

And it will never work out!

"Hey…" She has gotten up and lowered herself on her knees ahead of him...

Her soft fingers trace his cheek as she lowers her hand under his jaw to make him look at her.

"It will be fine…" She whispers…

He desperately wants to believe her… but deep down he's sure it will somehow all go to hell.

"I can't watch you die again…" He tries to look away from her… but she won't let him.

"Draco…" Her voice is soft and assuring.

"You can't promise me you won't die!" He cuts her of…feeling more and more desperate on every word.

"No, I can't… but it's not like I'm walking straight to the battlefield! I'm not stupid, you know!?"

"You did once already! It's just… I can't take it, Hermione!" Suddenly he feels angry… "If you die, there's nothing left of me!"

"Of course, there is!" She's still not letting him look away, "I've just pushed you in the right direction! I told you before, I'm just the igniter! The fire is all inside of you already."

The other one of her palms is lowered to his heart… and he realizes it's throbbing like he's running a marathon.

"There's so much life for you to live, Draco."

Her words are breathed out like a wish…

Time seems to slow down under her hazel eyes… and he suddenly fears she knows what she's supposed to do here…

The story of her resurrection and memory loss… what if it's not the whole truth?

What if she has a mission here… and when she's finished… she'll leave again?

What if he's her mission?

What if she's not supposed to stay?

What if she's going to be taken away again? And he'll be left alone… and the world will be empty… breathless… and black?

What if this was supposed to be temporary all along? Only a way to get him to this path?

Thinking of her disappearing from his life… feels like someone is stomping on his heart, they just ripped out of his chest.

He wants to tell her he doesn't care if there's so much life for him to live… he doesn't want any of it if she's not with him!

But it's pathetic…even in his mind… so he stays silent… looking at her as she holds her hand on his heart.

"If I have any say… I will not die!" She finally tells him.

And he releases a breath, he had no idea he was holding… pulls her up from the floor, into his lap and kisses her fiercely.

She straddles him and puts both of her hands in his hair as she kisses him back.

She's all he'll ever need… all he ever needs to remember… the only thing he needs to hold onto!

.

.

.

It's the next morning and they're in the kitchen again when Dipsy finally pops in, shortly followed by Bunny.

She jumps up immediately.

The elves are both screaming at the same time, making the boys jump up too.

"No time! The boy with a scar and his friend, Dipsy found them! They're going to Hogwarts today!"

"The Dark Lord, gathering forces! They're ready for attack!"

She flips to look at him, "Are they going to fight at school?!"

He shakes his head, "That's what it sounds like."

So, this is it…. this finally is it!

Like in their cottage before… she doesn't feel afraid… she feels ready!

Even when she's not completely sure what she's ready for...

This is happening!

And they need to move!

"We need to go!" She orders looking at each of them.

And just like she thought… they don't argue her now… but look determined… and ready.

Suddenly she knows it's not true, that she's not afraid…she is… scared to death! But not for herself, for them.

"Let's go find Harry and Ron…" And then she realizes something she should have realized a long time ago: "You can't come to school looking like yourselves! Both sides will want you dead. Especially Draco!"

Shit… she should have seen this coming!

Should have realized the fight is going to be on an open field, where everyone will want the traitorous Death Eater-spawn dead.

That's when it hits her: This can't be their fight! No matter if they now wanted it! They have to stay out, to stay alive.

"No… We need to change the plan!" She stops them, "You can't come!"

He whips to look at her as she shakes her head fiercely.

"They will kill you on the spot! I… we can't take that risk! You need to stay here and I'll…"

"No!"

She did expect him to stop her… to argue… but before she can retort back, she realizes it wasn't him who spoke… Blaise is standing in front of her, looking determined.

"We will not let you go alone! It's too dangerous! You don't even recognize who's on your side!"

"But you didn't even want to fight, Blaise! So please, save yourselves!" She tries to push him out of the way.

"We didn't… but that was before things happened Princess." Theo joins Blaise's side, "And he," Theo points at Draco, "Will never let you go alone."

"That's why you have to take him with you!" She tells them nodding.

"I'm right here! Why are you suddenly talking like I'm not in the room?!" Draco tries to protest but is cut short.

"It's beside the point!" Blaise says firmly, "As Theo said, things changed."

"No, they didn't" She claims back.

She needs them to stay away!

There's no way her magic is strong enough to protect all of them from everyone!

There's no way she can manage protecting them with half of her memory...

"Yes, they did! You happened, Princess" Theo gives her a crooked smile and her argument dies on her lips.

"And Slyherin's look after their own! So, don't fucking try to stop us now!" Blaise emphasizes.

"When did I became a part of that?" She mutters but no one seems to hear.

"We planned on this, days ago!" Theo points his wand to Blaise changing his hair.

And she stares in awe as each of them glamour their appearances.

She glances at Draco whose hair is dirty brown now.

"It's not a hundred percent foolproof, but it'll do," He tells her… and she doesn't know what to say… They planned on this? When was that?

"HURRY HURRY!" Dipsy squeaks from the sideline.

"Fine! But stay out of the battle! And don't you dare get killed!" She huffs at Blaise and Theo firmly.

Suddenly he's by her side, gracing her fingertips with his.

"The same goes for you!" She tells, turning to face him.

The look they exchange says it all… no words needed.

It warms her insides and makes her heart flutter…

I'm with you…

"Let's find Harry and Ron! Okay, Dipsy." She turns to the elf, "Take us to them."

It's not the battle yet… she tries to think… it's not lethal yet…

But when they get to the Hog's Head, Harry and Ron have already gone through the secret passage to the school.

It was not the battlefield yet… Now it will be…

She turns to the boys, her heart hammering so hard she's sure it can't hold much longer.

"One more chance to turn back."

"Are you turning?" Theo asks, and she knows it's only for show.

So, she doesn't even bother to answer.

"Neither are we." He says by her side.

She takes a deep breath… and then they go…

Heads high…

To the unknown…

To fight for themselves… each other… and for freedom!


	17. Combat and recall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the support for this story! 
> 
> Happy Holidays everyone!

 

There are a million things they should have planned better… a million things to take into consideration before rushing head first to Hogwarts.

And all those things run through her head when she rushes along the passage…

How are they going to explain what's going on?

How is anyone going to believe, that the boys following her, are on their side?

But there's no time… she just has to make it up as she goes…

They need to believe her!

Suddenly she's in a dim lit room… and whatever she expected, it was not this!

There's a lot of people… dozens of eyes looking at them.

Everyone is staring… and in a split second… all the wands are pointed at them.

"Take it easy." Blaise has lifted his hands up as a sign of surrender… Draco and Theo follow his example.

"Hermione?"

A figure steps forward… his face is bruised, and she needs to think for a moment to find a name for him.

It's Neville.

And Neville has been her friend… she thinks.

"Neville! Where are Harry and Ron? I need to speak to them! It's urgent!"

Everyone stays silent… still staring at her… still aiming at them.

"Didn't you hear, what she said? Potter, Weasley, I-M-P-O-R-T-A-N-T!" Theo asks loudly.

She turns to tell Theo he's not making this any easier, but before she gets to do that, she's yanked away from them, leaving the Slytherin boys to stand back to back, hands up… and all the room staring at them with hostile looks, ready to attack.

"Who are you?" A boy she doesn't have a name for asks angrily.

"Wait! They're with me!" She tries to struggle free, but Neville doesn't let go.

Blaise rolls his eyes visibly and Theo snorts, "What part of important don't you understand?"

"Hermione…are you okay? What did they do to you?" Neville asks looking concerned

"I… what? Nothing!" Finally, she manages to step further from him, "I told you already, they're with me! And we have important information to tell Harry! So, can you please tell us where he is?"

Even before she can finish the sentence, she knows he doesn't believe a word she's saying…

She knows they are not going to tell her anything… they do not trust her…

And why would they?

He seems to realize that too, "Listen, Longbottom."

"It's fucking Malfoy!" One of the boys shouts out, the second he opens his mouth.

And all the hell breaks loose.

She whips around just in time to cast a shield to the boys, so the hexes thrown at them get blocked.

"Wait, a minute! I can explain!" She tries to shout above the noise… but no one seems to be listening.

"Shit." She ducks a jinx and casts another protective spell to Draco's direction.

They're never going to walk out of here unharmed!

This was the worst idea ever.

"Don't you people ever listen?" Blaise tries to ask and block the spells at the same time.

What was she thinking? That they would just accept her words!?

On the other hand, she was not prepared to meet this much people!

This needs to stop…

She climbs on a table and yells, "Everybody! CUT IT OFF!"

No effect.

Fine! They asked for it!

"Silencio!"

The room goes quiet.

And for a moment she's quite pleased with herself!

She had no idea she was capable of that.

"Now, will you please listen!?"

Draco and Blaise and Theo are still held at angry wand point… their glamours have dropped and they're panting hard… but at least no one is hexing anyone.

"You know who I am, don't you?" She asks, and a few people nod, "So you probably know I'd do anything to help Harry?"

Again, some nodding, but also a few angry and confused looks.

"And still you're fighting me!? and hexing my friends, when they did nothing to make you think they mean harm?!"

She looks around her… "They are with me! I told you! And yes, they are Slytherin, and yes, they've probably done their fair share of making life miserable at some point for some of you. I could spend hours telling you how they've changed… how they've helped me during these weeks. But we are on a verge of war! There probably are real Death Eaters already at the gates! We don't have time to fight each other now! We shouldn't be fighting now! not amongst ourselves! All you need to know is that I trust them! And they are not the enemy! The enemy is out there, and that's what we all need to focus on!"

She lifts the silencing and is immediately greeted with a bunch of angry protests.

"They are Death Eaters! How do you expect us to just trust your word?" A blond girl… A girl in Ron's arms in her memory… Lavender Brown… has stepped closer.

"They were children when this path was pointed for them! Just like you and me! They can't be held responsible for the choices their parents made for them! The choices they did under duress!" She's still standing on the table… looking down at the small crowd, "I have a question for you. Consider that, before you judge them: If the Dark Lord threatened to kill everyone you ever loved, anyone who loved you if you don't do what he wants you to… what would you have done? How noble would you be if obeying was the only way to save your family? You might be ready to give your life… but what If it meant giving the lives of everyone you hold dear?"

The room is silent… people are looking around, uneasily.

"There's your answer." She tells them, steps down and goes to stand by his side.

"So, Neville… about Harry and Ron?"

.

.

.

The great hall is packed with people… no one seems to pay attention to them…

The voice of Voldemort has just ordered the castle to get him Harry and everyone will be saved… somehow, he has a feeling , they had refused.

The teachers are evacuating the Castle…getting ready to fight…

Pansy is yelling they should get Potter, and everyone hates Slytherins… again.

"Someone should talk to those idiots…" Blaise mutters next to him.

"I'm not sure in which world that is called cunning…" Theo answers nodding in the direction of their housemates, "Most of them are in no better position than any of the others…"

"Maybe you should go talk to them?"

He watches Granger nod to the other two, "You should! Tell them there are other options, that it doesn't have to be black and white!"

Blaise and Theo only nod firmly and follow the Slytherins out of the hall.

"Come on!" She takes his hand, "I think I saw Harry."

But it's not that easy!

Back in the days he used to think, he couldn't go anywhere without running into the boy-wonder, now it seemed impossible to catch up with him.

She's running beside him…

The Gryffindor common room is empty, but when they arrive back to the Room of Requirement, they find the Girl-Weasley standing outside of it.

"Hermione?"

"Ginny! I'm in a bit of a hurry! Have you seen Harry and Ron!" She asks hastily.

"They went inside… to the room where everything is hidden… but Hermione, what?"

The room where everything is hidden… only the thought chills him… the room he'd spent so many desperate hours in… the room he'd rather forget.

"No time to explain!" She turns to him, "How do I get into that room?"

Instead of explaining he starts to pace… and the door appears.

"Let's go!"

They step in… it's massive… piles and piles of forgotten things… a labyrinth of rubble…

In his nightmares, he sometimes still wanders around here… desperate for a way out… but unable to find it.

"HARRY, RON!" She shouts… and gets no answer.

"Come on."

They wander deeper… and deeper…

The corridors feel endless… There's no sign of anyone else in there.

Until they turn around the corner…

And suddenly they're standing face to face with his own past.

Crabbe and Goyle… staring at them with dumb amazement.

His goons… who used to follow him around… to laugh at people he taunted… to second his every word.

They were never his friends… not truly… they were his servants… they looked up to him… and he had enjoyed it!

Now, just thinking about it, makes him sick!

"Draco! Good, you've caught the mudblood!" Crabbe greets him, "Potter's somewhere here, we can use her as bait!"

He glances at her briefly… she looks at the two with a frown… and he can tell she has no idea who they are.

"Crabbe, Goyle…" He steps in front of her and nods to the boys, "I have an important task! Why don't you two go and make yourselves useful in the fight outside?"

It's almost funny how easy it is to find the old him… the one who thought he was somehow privileged and had the right to boss everyone around.

But now they look suspicious, "You know what they talk about you Draco?" Goyle asks him with a rumbling growl.

"Yes, and you should be more careful with what you believe in!" He raises his chin and hopes these two are still as stupid as they used to be, "I was assigned for this! So, step the fuck out of the way!"

"Maybe you should step away from Hermione!"

Everyone whips around and there they are!

The wonder duo! Wands up, ready to fight.

Glancing around, he suddenly sees how this must look for them: their Hermione, surrounded by Slytherins…

"Potter!" Crabbe takes a step forward, "I think it's time you died!"

An unforgivable leaves Crabbe's wand so easily, he wonders how much he has been practicing.

Potter jumps away, and the small golden item in his hand swings.

They've found the diadem!

Which means there's only one Horcrux left!

"Don't kill him, you idiot!" He screams, "The Dark Lord wants him alive!"

But the two buffoons don't listen…hexes start to fly…

He feels her next to him… casting protective after protective.

"Shitshitshitshitshit!" She mutters in between spells.

And that's about what he feels too.

"Hermione, get away from them, come on!" Weasley shouts dueling Crabbe the same time.

They don't seem to notice he's not trying to help the two Slytherins, because every now and then he's aimed with a hex…

"Ron, Harry, just… let's get out of here…" She shouts maneuvering them to move.

But before they get to, Crabbe has cursed the nearest bile of rubbish and it's burning.

It takes a split second for him to understand what's going on when the fire starts to swallow things with fierce power.

"Fuck, it's Fiendfyre!" He grabs her hand and shoves her forward, "RUN, WE NEED TO GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HERE!"

She takes his hand and they run… Potter and Weasley behind them…

And the flames…Huge, like roaring beasts, on their heels…

He grips her hand in his as he rushes forward… but they're deep in the maze… The door is somewhere there… far, far away… and the heat and the smoke are excruciating.

"Is there a way to stop it?" She screams behind him.

"Not that I know of!"

He glances back, and Potter has spotted two old brooms.

It seems like the danger of death has made Potter forget he's supposed to be an enemy because he throws the other broom at him.

"Here!"

"Come on! Hold on!" He tells her as he rises from the ground.

And then they're flying for their lives.

Sweeping in between the piles, the flames lashing like burning whips of fire around them.

"What about the two big guys?" She shouts in his ear.

He shakes his head, "They're gone!"

He dives, and she squeaks.

"You okay?"

He tries to look if something happened to her.

"FINE, JUST GO!"

She squeezes her hands around his middle.

Through the smoke and flames and ashes, he can see the door and leans forward to go faster.

Just…a little… more…

.

.

.

They smash through the door and into the floor, coughing and gulping for air.

Harry and Ron crash to the ground, just behind them… and the door closes…. trapping the flames inside.

"Are you okay?" He's on his knees next to her, his hand on her shoulder.

"Get your hands off her!"

She closes her eyes briefly as an explosion shakes the castle.

"Ron," She gets up.

He's already standing, facing a very worn looking, wind ruffled Harry and Ron.

With a light touch on his arm, she moves to stand in between her friends and him.

Someone is yelling down the corridor…

The battle is on.

This is not the time to explain everything… this is the time she needs them to trust her.

"Harry, Ron, there's something we need to tell you." She starts but is cut off immediately.

"Hermione step away from him!" Harry says not lowering his wand and apparently not hearing what she said.

"No." She tells him.

"This is not the time to talk about mercy, 'Mione! He's a Death Eater!" Ron yells…

"Listen…" She tries… but no one listens.

"NO!" She screams and makes Ron jump a little.

"You need to hear me out! Draco is not the problem!"

"Draco?"

She almost rolls her eyes! How much did it take for them to concentrate on the matter in hand and not in the specifics?

"It's important…"

But it's already too late.

The fight catches up with them… Fred and Percy appear around the corner, followed by some Death Eaters and then they are fighting.

Curses flying all around them… she tries to keep an eye on him.

Tries to protect him from the attack of both sides.

"We need to get out of here!" He screams to her… and she has lost sight of Harry and Ron.

They run to the corridor nearby when an explosion makes her fall to her knees.

People scream somewhere close.

"Fuck." She hears him swear as he helps her up.

"Did you hurt yourself?"

She shakes her head…

"Pity… that'll change soon."

They spin around.

A woman with heavy lids and black crazy hair is smiling at them. The cruelest smile she has ever seen.

Automatically she puts her hand on her mudblood-mark.

She knows who this woman is…

This is the woman who killed her once already.

"Draco, dearest!" Bellatrix smiles sweetly and comes closer, "You stole my plaything! Why, oh why would you do that?"

He lifts his wand, but before she gets to do the same a curse hits her.

Pain, unlike anything she has ever felt before, explodes through her body… and her mind.

She falls to the ground and the world goes black.

When she opens her eyes, the pain is gone… and so is the castle… and him…

She's standing in an empty hall, with a ceiling that seems to reach to the skies.

The walls are full of pictures… and as she gets closer she realizes the pictures are moving… not like in wizarding photographs, but like little screens playing scenes over and over again.

She sees herself… the train… Harry and Ron… Gryffindor… the sorting… the basilisk…her parents… France… the time turner… the Grimmauld Place…the forest… Their cabin...

As she walks on the pictures go darker… she travels her hands along them…

It's like the library of dreams… or memories…

Her memories… She suddenly realizes…all of them… not only the ones she remembers now… but also the ones she's still missing.

In the middle of the room, there is a golden bowl, filled with silver liquid.

She walks up to it and glances in….

first, there's only her face…reflected back to her…then slowly… it turns into her mother… to her dad… to Harry… Ron… Ginny… Molly…Arthur… Fred… George… Neville… Luna… Remus… Tonks… the faces start to flick by so fast she has no time to process them… then finally Blaise… Theo… and Draco…

The image of him swims in the bowl… his grey eyes looking at her like he can see right through… like he's calling for her…

She lowers her face to take a closer look.

Her nose touches the surface…

It feels like someone has thrown a bucket of water, containing all she has lost…. and it all comes back to her in waves… Like the memories are poured back to her…

Everything she has done… experienced… felt… All the amazement, the smug proudness, the happiness, the uncertainty, the desperation, the fear, the determination… all the hate and pity and liking…all the love… flow through her.

She opens her eyes.

And she's on the floor.

Draco is standing above her, pointing his wand ahead with a furious look on his face… his shield protecting her from the attackers.

She struggles to sit down, to see Blaise and Theo, standing on both sides of her… Their wands drawn too.

"You're never going to touch her again!" Draco growls.

But she has already gotten to her feet and is now standing in front of him, facing the dark witch.

"She won't!"

But before she gets to attack, something changes… Bellatrix turns on her heel and disappears.

And just like that, it stops…The castle gets eerily silent…

They're still standing, wands drawn, waiting for another attack… that never comes.

Instead, Voldemort's voice tells Harry to give himself up… Giving them an hour.

She turns to the boys… and for a moment she fears things will be different… That the memories she suddenly has will change the way she sees them.

But as she turns, she realizes, that no… they're still the same they were five minutes ago…

His eyes are concerned as he studies her… But what she feels for him hasn't changed!

He's her safety! Still!

What she remembers from the past, doesn't take away all that has happened after she died...All she has felt since then...

So, she takes the steps to him and throws her hands around his neck.

"Thank you." She whispers as he holds her close.

"Well, we're still standing!" Theo says beside them, "I think we deserve a hug too!"

She laughs and hugs both of them too.

"Thank you, too. For standing with me!"

"Anytime, princess." Theo winks at her.

"We still haven't told Potter, what we came to tell him. Have we?" Blaise snaps them back to reality.

"True," She says, taking Draco's hand in hers, "Let's go."

But they don't get too far… because war never leaves the room when the battle ends…

The smell of death and blood hit her face as they step to the next corridor…

"Oh, god…" She whispers pulling Draco a little closer.

"I need to go and help with the injured… I need to make sure… I want to know who all are dead." She swallows turning to face him, "Go and find Harry! Tell him… everything."

"No, I'm not leaving you!" He protests, "And you said it yourself, he won't believe just my word."

"Well he doesn't have much of a choice, does he?"

He studies her silently.

Then nods, "Fine, I'll go. Stay safe, okay?"

She kisses him, "You too! Stay out of sight."

He nods, but as he's about to leave she takes his hand and pulls him back once more.

"Draco…" She whispers, "I remember… everything."

His eyes glister when she looks at them.

"And I love you," she breathes.

He crushes her against him, kissing her with such a force she nearly loses her balance.

The kiss feels different than before… more certain… more real…

"I'll be back." He tells her… and then he's gone around the corner.

Okay… she turns around to see Theo and Blaise smirking, "What?"

"Absolutely, nothing." Blaise rolls his eyes.

"Good, now let's get to work." She rolls her sleeves up and rushes forward.


	18. Win and lose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hi everyone! Sorry for the lack of updates recently, I had a holiday! But now I'm back and the updates will be frequent again, I promise! Again (and still) your feedback is much appreciated!

 

She remembers…everything…

He turns around another corner.

She remembers… and she still loves him?

No Potter in sight…

Her words play on repeat in his head….

"I remember everything…"

It's glorious… heart soaring… victorious…

and scary as hell…

This war makes it easy to push the thoughts back… to suffocate the doubt…

But he knows there'll come a time when they need to talk it through…

A time when she needs to figure out who she is now… now that all of her has been erased, rewritten and now glued on top of what she used to be…

She is not the same girl she was before… too much has changed… and then… on the other hand… neither is he… the same boy… and he has had his memories the whole time.

It could even have been easier without memories… without the past burdening him…

A clean table and fresh deck of cards to start with…

The castle is silent… everyone who's still alive is in the great hall… except for Potter, who just wouldn't stand still for two minutes, so he could find the fucking savior and tell him what he needs to know!

Suddenly something brushes past him.

He looks around but sees nothing… and he has no idea how, but somehow, he knows it has to be Potter…

So, he turns to follow… trying to listen for his steps under the cloak.

Lucky it's so silent now.

He's not sure if he should just stop Potter and tell him what he knows… or if he should follow and just wait for him to stop… where is he even going?

They pass the entrance hall… outside it's easier to follow his footsteps in the grass.

Bodies lie everywhere… and the smell of blood makes him want to hurl…

So short time… so many dead.

He sees Potter stop Longbottom and then carry on…

and suddenly it's all clear: The-Boy-Who-Lived is going to sacrifice himself!

Well shit!

That can't be right… who is going to save the world If the savior is dead?

Was Potter so fucking dull he thought Voldemort would actually spare his loved ones if he'd offer himself willingly?

He knew better than that… he had seen it… been a part of it…

There was no-fucking-way, Voldemort would spare members of The Order… He wanted power… and he gained it only by suffocating the resistance… All of it!

So, he starts to run… rounds Potter and jogs to the edge of the forest to stop him there.

He waits for Harry to be in between the trees so no one can see them from the castle.

And steps on his way… wand raised.

"What do you think you're doing?"

Potter looks worn… and much older than his years… His face is dirty, and clothes ripped.

For once he doesn't envy the boy one bit!

"Don't Malfoy! I don't have time for this!"

"So, you think sacrificing yourself will actually solve it?"

"I told you! Get the fuck out of my way!" Potter spits, taking his wand out.

"No."

His refusal seems to blow the Gryffindor of guard because he stares at him baffled.

"He's not going to let them live, even if you're dead. So, turn around, let him come for you…" He didn't realize his voice shaking before this, "AND FUCKING DO WHAT YOU ALWAYS DO AND KILL HIM!"

Potter blinks.

"I know the snake is the only Horcrux left! So, you finally have a chance! Don't you dare chicken out now!"

"No!" It's Harry's turn to yell at him, "You don't get to say that Malfoy! I DON'T DESERVE THIS!" He lifts his wand higher, "I just found out I'm a Horcrux! That I was never meant to survive! That Dumbledore raised me, kept me safe, so I can die tonight! Don't you dare call me a coward! You have no right! So, could you please move, so I can go die in peace!"

It's his turn to stare, his words sink in…

Potter was always meant to die?

That's fucked up!

How is he supposed to be the one to vanquish the dark lord if he's dead?

It takes a split second before realization hits him… like a bludger on full force to stomach…

Potter has the cloak…the wand is in his hand… only one thing missing…

"Potter, do you know where the Resurrection stone is?" He asks.

And Potter blinks again… "Can't you just move, and let me go die? I thought that was what you wanted all along?"

He shrugs, "Well, it seems things might have changed." And then, "Do you have the stone or not?"

"I think this is not the time to talk about old legends…"

So, that's probably a yes…

It's an old legend… but it might also be the only way for Potter to walk out of this alive.

"Disarm me." He orders.

Nothing happens but more staring.

"Come on, Potter!"

"Don't you want to take me to your Lord and take the credit?"

"I fucking saved your sorry ass from my Lord once!" He's getting frustrated… how hard could it be? Potter was always eager to disarm him before!

"You just postponed the inevitable by refusing to identify us."

"I'm not talking about that! Who do you think sent Doppy for you?"

His eyes go wide, "That was you?"

"Yes, so you owe me one! Disarm, now!"

"I don't see why…"

"NOW POTTER!"

With a swift movement, his wand flies to Potter.

"Good." He turns around and starts to leave.

"Do you take this back?" Potter sounds confused.

He turns to shake his head, "Keep it, maybe it gives you luck."

Hopefully, it's enough… hopefully, the old legends appear to be more than children stories…

Because if this works… Potter now is the owner of them all: The cloak, the stone, and the wand… that makes him the master of death… and hopefully, it makes him impossible to be killed.

He's just about to walk back to the castle… back to her… when doubt creeps to his mind.

What if Potter dies anyway?

Hesitating, he turns to look at the dark forest… maybe he should make sure…

Not even sure what he's doing, he turns around… and follows Potter to the depths of the forest.

.

.

.

She enters the great hall with Blaise and Theo on tow.

"Stay out of the way and no one will bother you!" She tells them, "I'm going to help with the wounded."

"We could help…" Theo tells her, but she shakes her head.

"Too complicated…"

They don't argue further… just nod.

She likes that about them… how they don't need to act like heroes and try to fight her… they know she's right… so the just agree.

She turns her back to them and wanders further and suddenly someone is hugging her, sobbing hysterically.

"Hermione," Ron cries, "It's Fred! Fred is dead! and Remus and Tonks."

Coldness… hard cold ice… surrounds her… almost like the dementors in the forest.

She closes her hands around Ron, "I'm sorry…" she mutters, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

And she's crying too… gripping on Ron's shirt, pulling him closer.

Because this is her Ron!

Her best friend Ron!

She remembers him now! Remembers how much she loved him… everything they have gone through together… every time he has been there for her and Harry.

"Where's Harry?" She asks, pulling a little away.

He shakes his head, "Haven't seen him since… I don't know."

She nods, "Maybe he needed some time alone."

"Listen, Ron…" She puts her hand on his, "Go be with your family. I'll help with the wounded."

He nods sadly… gives her one more hug and then goes.

She spots madam Pomfrey and makes her way to her.

The next half an hour she spends running around the hall, helping as many as she can.

It feels good to know things again… good to be certain… to know what to do… to recognize faces.

Even in this horrible situation… it feels good to be herself again.

Every now and then she glances to Blaise and Theo to see if Draco has joined them.

Minutes tick by… no Draco… no Harry…

The time is up soon… Where on earth are they?

Then come to the words that freeze the whole world.

Harry Potter is dead!

"No…" She spins around.

Blaise and Theo are still here… looking at her concerned.

Draco is still missing…

She feels like the darkness is going to swallow her whole…

Harry is dead… Draco is nowhere… and Voldemort is at the door.

They're all going to die.

"Miss!" Suddenly Dipsy is by her side, "Miss, elves are ready to fight! Can Dipsy join them?"

She looks at the little creature and smiles sadly, "Dipsy, you're free. You can do what you want."

The elf nods and then, without warning hugs her legs, "Dipsy is glad, miss is still alive! Good luck, to Dipsy's miss!"

"Good luck to you too… And Dipsy…" The elf's huge wet eyes turn to her, "I forbid you to die!"

Dipsy bows and disappears with a familiar pop.

She follows Theo and Blaise outside to the yard.

Harry's dead…

Harry's dead…

Dead…

Gone…

It's over… this is it…

She hopes... wishes…with all her heart Draco was here now… holding her hand… telling her it will be alright… that they're together…

At least they're together…

But they're not… He's not here…

HE'S NOT HERE!

She wants to scream!

But instead, she stares blankly at the scene in front of her… feeling like she's not really here either…

What if they killed him too?

An image of him…laying in his own blood in the forest… flashes her mind.

She squeezes her fingers to her fists.

If they killed him… she is going to kill them!

Each and everyone who ever hurt him!

The Dark Lord who took everything from him and left him no chance!

She is going to fucking kill everyone!

And when Neville slashes the snakes head off and the battle starts again, she's more ready than ever!

They should be afraid! Because she's not going to spear anyone standing on her way!

.

.

.

He stands in the shadow of the tree line and watches Potter walk to his execution.

As the green light hits Potter's chest, he closes his eyes.

And prays… as unbelievable as it sounds… he prays that Harry Potter is not dead!

When he opens them again… someone is approaching Potter's body on the ground.

His heart leaps to his throat and he has to bite his tongue to not to scream out loud.

Because it's his mother… Walking head high to see if the savior is finally dead.

His mother!

Alive!

Maybe there's a forgiving God, after all!

But no… because when Narcissa turns to Voldemort her words almost paralyzes him.

"Dead."

Fuck!

It did not work.

They were wrong…

There's no god!

And especially not the Deadly Hallows!

And they're all going to die.

She is going to die…

It's like the thought brings him back to life… NO!

That's not happening! He needs to go back to her!

Needs to warn her! And to take her as far away from here as possible!

But the Death Eaters are already on their way…

He never should have come here!

He should have gone back when he had the chance.

Now he has no choice but to follow the cheery crowd making it's way to the castle…to end all hope.

On the ground by his feet lies a forgotten death eater mask…

Hastily he picks it up and puts it on…

He hates it… but maybe it'll give him more moving space in the enemy lines.

The walk feels like forever… and over and over he tries to think of a way out of this…

But always gets the same solution… it's next to hopeless.

They arrive to the yard and Voldemort announces the death of their hero.

"NO! HARRY, HARRY!"

Weaslette screams the loudest… but he hears only her…

Her desperate cry….

Weasley's holding her back… and he'd give anything to be the one to hold her in her misery.

That's a lie… he's here… on the other side… because he chose not to return to her immediately when he had the chance.

He doesn't even recognize himself anymore… what kind of a Gryffindor has he become?!

And why on earth did he let Potter keep his wand?

With it, he'd have a straight aim to Voldemort's ugly head… but he doesn't have a wand!

What kind of an idiot is he?!

He wants to kick himself… hard…

And then it happens all at once.

Longbottom plays the hero-act and cuts the snakes head… and everyone is fighting again.

AND HE STILL DOESN'T HAVE A WAND!

.

.

.

It's the fiercest she has ever fought… and the most scared she has ever been…

But they are not going to get out easily! Not if they hurt him!

She casts curses left and right… and if she was even a little bit on her right mind, her desperate need to cause damage, would scare her.

But she's not on her right mind!

Maybe she'll never be again!

Too much blood and death and horror has been spilled around… too much darkness poured on her soul.

She aims a crucio on Yaxley's back… and feels a sick satisfaction when he falls on his knees screaming.

"I want you to remember, for the rest of your life, that you lost to a mudblood!" She whispers to him as she points her wand to his chest.

But she's still not a killer… so the spell leaving her wand only knocks him out.

"Oh Dear! Where's Drakey-poo?" Bellatrix taunts her as they duel her with Luna and Ginny.

"You think he really cares about your muddy blood, bitch?!"

She doesn't dare to answer… because loosing concentration would probably kill her.

But her question hurts her soul… where is Drakey-poo?

She does not know!

And if she stops to think she might forget to fight at all…

Then comes Molly Weasley… And by the end of it… Bellatrix is dead.

So is Voldemort… and Harry is alive.

People scream… they've won!

She falls to her knees on the ground... and feels so surreal.

Like the sounds around her are muted…

She sees them cheer… And laugh and cry and hug each other…

But she can't join them…

Her head feels dizzy and her body numb.

"HERMIONE! COME ON! GET UP!"

It's Blaise's arms that rise her from the ground.

"Where's Draco?"

He shakes his head… and she thinks she's going to fall again.

"We've got to find him!" She turns around.

"Maybe you should go… I don't know… to your friends first?" Theo suggests shrugging, "They might be expecting you to."

"No…" She mutters, "Not before we find him…I can't…I need to see he's okay…"

The moment the words leave her lips she sees him.

And it feels like the floor gives in and she's falling through it to the darkness…

Like the world stops turning altogether.

He's standing at the end of the hall… head bent… held from both arms by two Aurors…

"No!" She gets to take one step before Blaise grabs her.

"You'll make it worse." He whispers.

"No! I have to stop it! They can't take him! He hasn't done anything!" She tries to struggle free.

They can't take him! She has to stop them! NOW!

"He has the mark…" Theo mutters next to her.

"NO! They can't! DRACO!" She screams and people turn to look at her.

Hot tears burn her eyes.

He's the reason Harry has just won! They can't just take him!

She shouldn't let them take him!

She needs to protect him! To fight for him!

"You need to find another way to get him free! A cleverer way! Barging in there won't help anyone!" Blaise's hold is strong and determined.

That's when she loses it.

Every inch of control she might have over herself is gone!

"No…nonononono…" She whimpers, "Don't let them take him! You can't!"

"Hermione, what's happening?" Ron approaches them with concerned look on his face.

And in any other situation, she wouldn't blame him… now she can't even look at him.

But cries desperately, still trying to struggle free from Blaise who squeezes her back to his chest.

"Let me go to him! let me!" She yells…

"Hey, Zabini, Didn't you hear her!? Let her go!"

"Stay out of it Weasley." Theo spits.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" Ron's ears turn red.

She barely notices what's happening…

"Ron! The war is over. Stop picking a fight!" Harry is by them too.

"They won't let Hermione go!"

He's already gone… they have dragged him out… and she didn't even get a chance to tell him goodbye!

Didn't even get to tell him not to worry… that she'll get him out of there.

They've taken him away like a villain… and no one knows what he did for them!

She turns around and buries her face to Blaise's board chest.

It's all just too much… all the pain and suffering…

And him…

gone…

"It doesn't look like she wants to be let go, mate," Harry tells Ron.

"What's wrong with her? How do you even know her? Does somebody want to tell us what the fuck is going on!?"


	19. Process and clarify

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst and drama ahead!   
> If you're a fan of Ron, I'm sorry already!

Paralyzed…

Like she can't move… or think…or even breathe…

That's how it feels as she sits in the Gryffindor common room.

Around her, Blaise tries to calmly explain to Ron and Harry what has happened.

Ginny sits in another chair, looking at the boys, but wiping away tears every now and then.

And Theo is trying and failing not to make everything worse.

She's barely listening…

And each and every one of them is hanging on the edges of their mental stability…

They have just fought a war… lost so many loved ones… And now they should understand each other…

Harry and Ron should except that she lied to them… should believe the Slytherin's really are her friends…

And she can't even get out words to speak for their behalf.

The broken faces of the fallen flash in her mind…

She needs him… and he's not here!

"She told us she was saved by some old muggle lady! And now you try to say that it was the ferret all along? Hermione will you please say something?!" Ron fumed.

Deep down in her rational mind, she knows Ron is in shock too… that this is not the time to talk about all this…

This is a time he needs to be with his family…Him and harry both…

Harry's arms should be around Ginny… they should…

But she doesn't say anything… because she is afraid, opening her mouth will only break her more.

She needs something to hold onto… something to pull her back together…

"Do you really want to do this now Weasley?" Theo spits with such venom even Ginny finches, "Is this really the time!? Look at her! Don't you see she needs time? I'm sure your impatient ass can await her to get herself together before you start pressuring her! She just got her memories back a few hours ago! And we just fought a war!"

"How can I comfort her if I have no idea what's been going on?"

"Maybe you're not the one who should be comforting her! Maybe you should go be with your family, Weasley!"

She looks up from her haze… and she has never been more grateful for Theo than she is now as Ron blinks a few times and then storms out.

"Hermione..."

Harry is kneeling before her, trying to get her to look at him.

"I don't know what's going on… but I wouldn't be alive without Malfoy."

Gently he puts his hand on her cheek and she closes her eyes.

"We talk when you're ready, okay?"

She nods slowly… and as Harry leaves, tears fall through her closed lids.

Alone… that's what she needs to be…

Away from here…

So, she gets up… "I need a moment…" She mutters and leaves the room.

The corridors are silent as she climbs up the stairs.

Up

up

All the way to the Astronomy tower.

The night is clear… she leans to the railing and lets the wind mess her hair.

Tries to breathe…

Never… not even when she had just come back from the dead… has she felt so utterly lost and hopeless.

All the horror and bloodshed…

Baby Teddy Lupin… whose parents are dead… George Weasley, whose other half has been cut off… All the families whose children will never come home… children whose parents will never come home…

She screams into the night…

How much better would it be to not remember the names for the faces who are now dead? How much better if she didn't remember the history they shared?

Not much…

Death was death either way…

And Draco…

Her brave…brave Draco, who had risked everything for a girl who might have hated him in the end… Who had taken the leap of fate, with no guarantees of the outcome…

He deserves better than this weeping sack she is at the moment!

This wasn't even her! She didn't break down and turn in useless lump just like this…

She should be making up a plan to get him out! She should be telling Harry and Ron what was really going on!

Suddenly it's like she had been asleep ever since he was dragged out of the hall.

She was Hermione Granger for Christ-sake! She should start to act like it!

So, she wipes her face to her sleeve and turns around, rushing back downstairs to make things right again!

.

.

.

"Traitor"

"Filth"

"Coward"

"A shame to your family name"

"You should hope they execute you before I get my hands around your pale neck"

"Blood traitor."

The whispers echo around him as the Aurors lock his cell.

He tries his best to tune them out… they're nothing to him…

He doesn't need them to understand him… he's not on their side… and he'll never be again.

So, he sits in the corner of the damp sell and closes his eyes…

Breathe Draco… you're still alive…

And after all, maybe he did deserve to be locked up.

He looks at the mark in his hand… a verdict…

As soon as the Aurors had seen it, there was no chance he could talk himself out… nothing he could say, that would take away the fact, that he is marked by Voldemort himself.

His only comfort is that she was okay… she was standing with Blaise and Theo when he was dragged out.

She is alive… she has a chance… that's all he ever wanted… a good life, for her.

Maybe there was a moment… a brief flash in time when he thought he could be a part of that life… that he could even give her that life…

But it wasn't up to him anymore… or up to her…

Maybe in another lifetime… he could be the first she meets…

Maybe in another lifetime… they get to be together…

Little by little the hissing from the other cells dies down.

And he's finally alone with his thoughts…

Well, at least he got his chance of playing a hero… without him, Potter would be dead and the outcome of war very different.

Even if no-one else knew it… he still felt a little bit proud of himself.

Draco from before would never have had the guts…

Maybe there was a hero hidden in there anyway…

.

.

.

Ron has returned… she can hear them long before she can see them.

Can't there be a moment they would just listen and not try to out-yell everybody?

"Stop!" She yells as she reaches them, "That's enough!"

"Princess! Thank God, you're finally able to speak!"

"Don't call her that!" Ron shoves Theo's shoulder.

"Ron, it doesn't matter! Please let's just get all inside and I'll explain!"

They are at the corridor and she doesn't want people listening.

"That's what I've been trying to tell him…" Blaise mutters.

She puts her hand on his arm and gives him a small nod: I know… and leads them inside.

"I'll tell you the main parts, but really you're needed with your family Ron! We have time to talk about this later!" She looks at them sternly.

And then she tells them what really happened. That she was really dead and that it was Draco that brought her back… Draco, who told her about the wizarding world… Draco, who got her a wand… Draco, who kept her safe… Draco, who thought her spells… Draco, who insisted she'd return to The Order…

She doesn't tell them the nature of their relationship… but she thinks they can hear it… or at least Harry can…

She also tells them she went to The Zabini manor as they left…and how they did research days in and out, to help them with the Horcrux hunt… How the boys put all their effort into helping her… how they voluntarily came to the war with her…and how they kept her safe in the middle of the battle too.

"That's why I trust them." She ends.

Ron stares at her with a stunned face, "You were dead?"

She nods.

"That's not possible."

She shrugs, "Tell me about it… I've tried to look from literally every book, to figure out what happened but found nothing."

"And all this time… you've been with the ferret?"

She nods.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why didn't you tell him to return you sooner?"

"I didn't have my memories, Ron. I didn't remember anyone."

But him…but that, she is not going to tell them…

"But you didn't have to stay with him. Who knows what he did to you! What he made you believe!" Ron shakes his head, his voice rising.

"I have my memories now! I know he didn't do anything like that."

"But you didn't before? Why did you stay with him?"

"I trusted him." She meets Ron's eyes face to face. Holding her chin up.

What right does he have to question her? Especially now that she has all her memories?

"You trusted him?" Ron's face is red.

They shouldn't go through this now…

Harry seems to pick up her thoughts, once again: "Ron, maybe we should talk about this later… maybe we should go back to the hall…"

"Why not now?" Ron is still staring at her, she feels Theo and Blaise step closer to her side… somehow it gives her comfort to have them there… and at the same time…it's all so confusing… knowing that Ron and Harry are her best friends, that no one needs to protect her from them… but on the other hand… having Blaise and Theo defend her from everything they might throw at her.

Like two sides of her mixing together…

"There's more to that story…" Ron growls silently, "The snakes have done something to her Harry...don't you see it? She's not like she used to be!"

I know… she thinks… but it's not because of them… not wholly…

"Ron, Really, let's talk about this later!" Harry practically drags Ron out of the room.

She stares at the door after them… no idea what she should be thinking… or feeling…

"Come on, Princess. Let's get you some sleep." Blaise puts his hand on her shoulder.

She doesn't really want to sleep… she wants to go to the ministry and demand they free Draco… but she knows it's been too long since she last slept… that her brain won't fully function if she doesn't sleep.

So, she nods.

.

.

.

Impenetrable darkness surrounds him as he lies on the hardwood bed in his cell.

In the morning they were all transferred from the ministry cells straight to this dark hell.

Azkaban…

Even with the Dementors gone, it seems that the very walls have sucked in the unhappiness of the prisoners. Like the whole fortress is radiating desperation, loneliness, and sorrow.

It smells like death and salty sea water… and most of the time it's dark, like eternal night…

Laying there, eyes closed, he can almost hear the prisoners of the past screaming and begging in their insanity…

There's going to be a trial… he knows that…

But when?

And what kind of?

How long does he have to rot here, before anything happens?

They are denied any mail or visitors… no one is allowed to see or hear about anyone or anything.

An image of her floats to his vision behind his closed lids…

At least he has her… maybe the memory will keep him from going insane…

maybe she'll save him… again…

.

.

.

The Death Eater trials to be held at the beginning of August.

The headline screams at her.

She stares at the page, "August? That's more than a month away?!"

"Shit." Blaise grabs the page from her hand.

It's two days after the end of the war.

She's sitting in the kitchen of the Zabini manor, with Blaise, who is now reading the article bows furrowed.

Yesterday she went to the Ministry with Harry and all they heard was that no one was able to tell them anything.

She had given the sour woman a piece of her mind about keeping innocent people locked up.

But it had been no use. They returned empty-handed.

Harry had invited her to stay at Grimmauld place… said that he had more than enough room for her…

But she'd turned him down… she'd rather stay here, with access to the library and with Theo and Blaise, who didn't ask questions, as company.

Even with her memories back, she feels more at ease with them.

It makes her feel a little guilty though…

And still… she knows she needs to speak with Harry and Ron… and she needs to do it soon…

"You look like shit, Princess! Did you sleep at all?" Theo enters the room.

"Well morning to you too, Grumpy!" She mutters.

"I hope they give him a proper trial…" Theo mutters, looking at the page in Blaise's hands.

"How come?"

He shrugs, "Last time, too many Death Eaters got out, telling they were imperused and shit like that… I don't think they're going to let people out that easy this time…"

"But he was a minor when he got the mark!" She protests, "And he helped Harry in the end! They have to take that into consideration!"

He shrugs again, "That's what I'm hoping too."

His words weight her still when she gets to the Grimmauld place…

What if he isn't even given a chance?

Harry and Ron are both there… looking like they, too, have had some trouble sleeping…

There is tension between the three of them… she can feel it fill the kitchen they sit in…

And it worries her… because it feels different than before… like something between them is… not broken… but lost…

Like even with her memories… she can't really feel them… not like she did before.

"What have you been doing?" Harry asks her kindly.

And as she looks at him… she almost lets out a breath of relief… because whatever it is between them now… she knows it'll pass…

This is still her Harry… her best friend… the brother she never had… the boy she spent weeks in a cold tent in the middle of the woods.

She and Harry… they'll be fine again…

But Ron… Ron is a different matter altogether…

"Trying to think of ways to get him out..." She answers honestly.

"You're not talking about Malfoy are you?" Ron hisses.

She doesn't answer but keeps looking at Harry, "How did you find out about the Elder Wand?"

She had heard him telling Voldemort that he had been after the wrong master all along.

So he knows what they knew…

"He came to me in the forest… when I was going to give myself into Voldemort. First, he was yelling at me that I needed to fight. That I couldn't just give up… Then he wanted me to disarm him… I couldn't understand why he was demanding such a thing… and when I finally did disarm him, he left his wand for me 'for luck' and walked away. It was a little later that I realized what he really did… I think he made me the master of death on purpose… I think he knew…"

She nods, "He did… We figured it out… that's why he followed you…"

There is a pause, and silence falls.

"Hermione…" Harry asks finally, "This is about more than just what is right, isn't it?"

She knows what he means… but still asks: "What do you mean?"

Harry glances at Ron whose look is unreadable, "This is about him, isn't it?"

"Of course it is, he saved my life! I owe him as much!"

But he shakes his head, "You know what I mean."

She stays silent.

"You can't be serious!?" Ron suddenly bursts out looking at Harry, "Are you implying there's something more between her and the ferret!? What do you think she is, Harry!?"

"What do you think that would make me, Ron?" She asks sharply.

And knows for sure, this is not going to end nicely…

"Oh, come on 'Mione! He's a Death Eater…"

She hates that nickname!

Ron never gets to finish his sentence, because she has jumped up and pointed her wand at him.

"Hermione…" Harry tries softly, but she barely hears.

"You have no idea what he went through after he saved me! What he had to endure! He left everything behind! His parents, even though he had worked so hard to keep them from harm's way until that! EVERYTHING! And the mark burned him constantly! For months, Ron! If he was a Death Eater, I would have been nothing to him! Just another mudblood, dead under Voldemort's rule! But he carried MY DEAD BODY out of there and sent Dobby to save you! So, do not ever, EVER! call him a death eater again or I swear I'll hex your sorry arse!"

"Oh my God!" Ron gets up to face her.

The anger bubbles in her… ready to burst any minute and send him flying to the furthest wall.

"What did he do to you?" He narrows his eyes, studying her.

"I already told you, he kept me SAFE!"

"And brainwashed you on the process?"

"What?!"

So, that's what he thinks of her? That's how much he trusts her? Does he really think she'd let that happen? Maybe when she didn't have her memories, but now?!

"Do you think I would stand here, defending him if he had tried something like that!?" She almost spits out.

"You don't know how you lost your memories! He could have taken them and told you all kinds of stories! I can see him doing that actually!"

"You know what Ron? Just stop! This isn't even about me and him!"

"This is exactly about you and him!"

He's standing only inches away from her, towering above her, "What did he do to you?"

"Fine!" She shoves him further away from her, "Fine I'll tell you what he did! He took me to his mother's secret cottage, warded the place from Death Eaters, told me all about the wizarding world, held me when I was scared and lost. He picked me up when I fell, held me when I had nightmares. Slept In my bed through the nights! Let me sleep in his arms to give us both comfort and safety. He did research with me, taught me spells, took me away when the Death Eaters finally came for us! Saved me from the Dementors, led me back to the light, did everything he could to help me get my memories back. He sent me back to the order when he thought it was for the best. He came to war for me! Risked his own life for me, more than once! He's my friend, my confidant, my safety… He's…"

She pauses.

Two sets of wide eyes stare at her.

"Tell me you're kidding…" Ron whispers finally.

She shakes her head.

"NO!" He roars.

"Ron!" Harry warns, but it doesn't stop him.

"No, Hermione I forbid it! It's not real! He's done something… He has…"

"Forbid it!? YOU FORBID IT!?" Her voice rises again.

Who does he think he is!?

"Yes! You can't possibly think any of that is real! Be reasonable 'Mione!? It's not possible you were actually dead! And it's not possible he's actually on your side!"

"Who are you to tell me to be reasonable!?"

He starts to shake his head.

She feels like she should run away before she hits his stupid face!

There's no way he can make statements like that! No way he can get away from talking her down like that!

"He's bad! He used you! And you'll see I'm right eventually!"

"Shut up! Don't you see we just fought a war to fight prejudice! And now you're acting like a prejudiced dickhead!"

He still shakes his head, "I'm not taking this Hermione! You've got to choose."

Suddenly there are tears in her eyes… this is what it has to come to?

She knows what he's going to say… and she doesn't want to hear it…

So, she closes her eyes…

"It's me or him."

He can't do that!

They've been friends for years… he can't ask that of her!

They can fight and be angry… but he would eventually come around again… he always has!

She hopes Harry would say something… talk some sense into him.

But no one says anything, so she opens her eyes to look at Ron's.

"I'm sorry Ron." She can't believe what is about to happen…

"All these years, you're going to just throw away. Because of him?"

"You're the one making me do this!"

Tears are falling, because she knows it's not only Ron, she's going to lose…

"So, you're choosing him?"

"I'm sorry Ron." She says again, "I love you, I do…"

Her eyes meet his… and she takes a deep breath.

Once there was a time, she would have given anything to be with him… once… like a whole lifetime ago…

"But I love Draco more."

And then she turns around and flies… Runs to the floo and back to the manor.

When the door of the room she had shared with him slams shut she breaks down.

Cries, because the world is so unfair… and because she just might have lost her best friends…

Because of all the years they shared, that was just thrown into trash… and because he's not here to tell her it's going to be okay… that they'll come around eventually.

Before long there's a knock on her door.

"I want to be alone!" She yells sniffing.

"Hermione."

The relief is overflowing… because the voice is Harry's!

So, she gets up and swings the door open.

"I'm not changing my mind."

"I didn't come because of that, come downstairs."

She hesitates… but follows him anyway.

Once they are all there, he looks at her with serious eyes.

"I'm sorry about Ron."

She shrugs looking down.

"I just came to tell you all, that I'm going to help you get him out. I'm going to testify on his behalf."

There's no way she can stop the tears as she throws her hands around his neck.

"Thank you, Harry!"

"You've always been there for me. What kind of a friend would I be if I abandoned you now?" He whispers.

That's her Harry… her best friend Harry! And together they are going to get Draco out!

And it'll all be fine!

It'll all work out.


	20. Yearn and vindicate

Kingsley Shacklebolt looks overworked when he stands in the minister's office, looking at Harry and her with brows furrowed.

"The rules are strict for a reason."

"Yes, I understand, but this is different! I would not be alive without the Malfoys! And Voldemort would have won! You can't possibly say that earns them a place in Azkaban, can you?" Harry sounds so sure and determined, she hopes it's enough.

"Draco Malfoy wears the mark in his hand and Mrs. Malfoy has already confessed housing the Dark Lord in their manor most of last year. There's no way we can go around the facts!"

"But their good deeds must count as something!"

"It's up to Wizengamot to decide."

She opens her mouth to say something, but Harry doesn't let her.

"Yes, we can agree to that! All I'm asking is five minutes, sir! To make sure he was genuine in his actions!"

Silence falls.

She crosses her fingers behind her back.

Please, let me see him… she begs in her mind… please, please, please!

"I'm going to get in trouble for this! But we owe everything to you, Mr. Potter. Five minutes, no more!"

Draco! That's all she can think of as Kingsley escorts them through strict security measures.

The cold damp air hits her face as they land in the prison.

And It's so much worse she could have ever imagined.

It doesn't even need the Dementors… the place is horror just by itself.

The prisoners yell at them as they walk down the corridors.

Taunt them with words and threats.

Chills run down her spine.

She tries to block them out… tries not to listen.

I'll get to see him… she tries to fill her mind with that thought only.

But fails miserably.

The visiting room is as chilly and hollow as the rest of this place.

There are two seats for her and Harry… and an invisible wall to separate the visitors from prisoners.

He shouldn't be here… he's not a criminal… he should be celebrated, like Harry…

The door at the other end of the room opens and she jumps up.

The sight of him freezes her heart.

His head is lowered and his dirty hair hangs on his face.

There are marks in his face… and the sleeves are rolled to present the mark burned to his skin.

He looks broken…

"Draco…" She whispers and puts her palm against the invisible barrier.

Oh, how much she wants to hold him… how much she's ready to give up, just to get a chance to comfort him… to feel him against her…

He still hasn't looked up… still doesn't know she's here…

"Sit down!" The guard orders her as the other pushes Draco to his chair.

"Only talking! Five minutes!" The angry looking man swings his wand and then there's a talking connection between the two sides of the wall.

"Draco?" She says softly, leaning closer in her chair… willing to be as close as she can.

The moment he hears her, his head snaps up.

And the look that spreads to his face, breaks her heart.

Because all she want's to do is to put her arms around him… and she can't!

But the moment his eyes meet hers, she can't hold herself back.

She jumps up, the same time he does… and then they are standing facing each other, only the magical glass between them.

"It's okay," She whispers…and realizes there are tears in her eyes, "It's going to be okay… I'm going to get you out of here."

She puts her palm against the wall again, and he mirrors her movement… almost touching… but still so far away.

"You're really here?" He looks at her like she might be a hallucination.

She nods fiercely, blinking away tears.

"ONLY TALKING!" Roars the guard and grabs him by the collar of his shirt, dragging him back to the chair.

"Fine! FINE! Let him go!" She screams before she can stop herself.

And reluctantly sits down next to Harry.

They can't keep him here the whole month! Something has to be done before that!

"Malfoy…" Harry says glancing from her to him.

"Potter… congratulations!" Draco's eyes stay on her… not once even flicking to Harry's direction.

"I would be dead if not for you…you know that."

It makes him flip his eyes to Harry, "Pity no one else knows… or believes that."

He sounds harder than he is… she knows that… More hateful… more indifferent…

"That's why we're here! I need to know you're for real. That if I speak for you, it won't appear to be the biggest mistake of my life."

"Potter, I made you the master of the Elder Wand, the most powerful wand that exists, so that you can fight Voldemort. What more can I do to make you believe I'm 'for real'"

Exactly! That's what she would also like to know!

"What did you do to Hermione?" Harry asks sharply and she too turns to stare at him.

So, Harry suspects like Ron?

He came here… but he doesn't believe him? or her?

"What did I do to her?" His eyes turn dark, "I wanted to save her…to keep her safe… and away from the war… I…" he turns his gaze back at her.

"What Harry means to ask is: did you take my memory? Brainwash me somehow? make me believe you're good when actually you're not? I've tried to tell them, more than once, that you did no such thing… apparently, my word just isn't enough." She cuts in, angry for the fact Harry just won't believe her word!

"If I hurt you? Used you? Lead you on? Brainwash you?" He looks at Harry and doesn't look so broken anymore, but angry… furious that someone would think like that.

.

.

.

Potter is a fucking idiot!

So, he stands up, leaning over the table, so that his nose is almost touching the wall between them and growls, "Never, Potter! Never again, doubt that I'd ever harm her in any way! I gave everything for her! I left my family, my home, my friends… everything I was ever taught and all the future I ever had! I sentenced myself to death by taking her away from the manor! Both sides wanted me dead! You have no idea how much I tried to find you when I found out she was alive…How many times I tried to convince her and myself, she'd be better with you! And I'd do it all again in a heartbeat! I'd take the blame… the torture… the hate… I'd sit my whole life in a prison… If it meant she gets a life she deserves… I'd die… if it meant she'll be safe… I'd trade my life… if it meant she gets to live."

There's so much more he could say! So many other ways he could prove, hurting her is the last thing he wants to ever do!

Silence follows… and the scar-head is staring at him, mouth slightly open.

He looks at her… her eyes are wet… but she looks so beautiful… and so sad.

He wants to tell her that she doesn't have to be sad… that he'll be okay here… that this is fine…

But it isn't…

"Time is up!" The guard informs and starts to drag him towards the door.

"Draco!" She yells and he struggles to turn and look at her one last time.

She's standing, like reaching for him… Her hair's a mess like always, and her face determined.

"I'll get you out!" She tells him sternly, "It'll be fine!"

He wants to tell her she doesn't have to worry…but the words won't come out.

"Come on!" The guard pushes him through the doorway.

"I love you!"

He can hear her… but can't see her anymore… can't answer…

And as his knees hit the rock floor of his cell, he closes his eyes… "And I've always loved you…" He mutters hitting his fists to the wall, making them bleed.

.

.

.

All the time it takes… the hours, the days, the weeks.

And not a moment goes by, that she doesn't miss him.

Not a moment she doesn't feel lonely without him… not a night she doesn't imagine him next to her and wake up in the morning only to find herself alone…

Every day he is gone she becomes more determined to get him out… Every moment she spends alone makes her more certain he's the one she should be with.

It's like time isn't moving without him… like all the decisions… all the plans are frozen because he's not here… like the war never ended… like they never won.

The same sense of something being unfinished reflects from Theo and Blaise.

The Aurors questioned them, because of their families connections to Voldemort, but since neither had a mark and they had solid evidence of hiding from the war, they couldn't actually be charged with anything.

Ron still doesn't talk to her… And that means she doesn't see much of Harry either, because he tries to be there for the Weasleys.

The worst part of being alone are the funerals.

Ron makes it very clear she's not welcome to sit with his family and Blaise and Theo don't feel comfortable enough to attend. So, she usually sits with Neville and Luna, and other Gryffindors.

They're her friends, yes, but it seems like they really don't know how to act around her… how to treat her alone, without Harry and Ron… and she has to admit that losing her memories changed her somehow… That even if she remembers them… and knows the history they shared… It's not the same… She's not the same…

Even with people next to her… she's alone… so utterly alone she thinks her heart can't take it.

But there's no way she could stay away… so she endures… sits through the funerals staring ahead, letting the tears fall, with no one there to comfort her.

And it feels like all the world has fallen to pieces… shattered in thousands of fractions that they now try to glue back together.

In the funeral of Remus and Tonks, she finally cracks.

Seeing Andromeda Tonks, sitting there cradling her small grandson in her lap…tears falling freely to her aristocratic cheeks… it breaks her…

She sits through the ceremony biting her lip and then she runs… even when she knows she should have given her condolences!

But what good it is! Her saying 'Sorry for your loss'? That won't bring them back! Won't make it any more right! Won't even comfort the woman who has lost nearly all her family!

And even when Blaise does comfort her when she gets to the manor… even if his soft voice ends her panic attack… he's still just a substitute…

.

.

.

Until finally the trial day comes.

Finally, she's there. Sitting in the ministry waiting room with Harry.

Ready to speak for him!

Ready to get him free!

Despite all her efforts, all the research for cases like this, all the planning and going through her evidence for him… she's still shaking now.

She has fought a war…She has died!

And still, walking there, in front of the high wizards to convince them to free the man she loves, is the scariest thing she has ever done.

"Miss. Granger."

With shaking legs she gets up… and takes a deep breath.

She has to nail this! Has to! His freedom depends on her! So she needs to stay strong! To keep in the facts and get him out!

The courtroom is full as she steps in the witness podium… everyone must have heard, they're going to be here, Her and Harry, two-thirds of the Golden Trio.

And everyone wants to hear what they have to say about Draco Malfoy, their schooltime nemesis.

The tabloids have talked about this for weeks already. Ever since the witnesses were announced, the speculation has gone wild. Most assume they are going to speak against him… well, they're in for a surprise.

She can almost see the headlines of tomorrows papers.

"Miss Hermione Granger."

The head wizard of the Wizengamot is an old, strict looking man, who is now staring at her.

"Yes," She nods.

"You're here to testify in a case of The Death Eater Draco Malfoy!"

She nods again.

"Bring in the convicted."

He's walked in with two guards… hands chained behind his back, eyes cast down.

He's way too thin… and his skin is way too pale… it's almost as if he's see-through… like a ghost of a man he was.

A lump rises to her throat as they sit him down in a chair that binds his wrists and ankles.

But it's not the time to break down! Not the time to feel sorry for him!

This is the time to speak up… to stand behind her title as the brightest witch of her age… to stay strong and convincing… to fight for what is right!

"Draco Malfoy."

He doesn't look up as the high wizard speaks his name, "You stand accused of Death Eater activity, the use of unforgivable curses against other people, the use of dark objects to lead your fellow Death Eaters in the Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry, participation in the death of Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, smuggling dark objects in the school causing your fellow schoolmates to get injured, and openly supporting Lord Voldemort's cause to get rid of Muggle-borns and rule over muggles and other inferiors. The punishment for these crimes is a life sentence in Azkaban."

The room is so quiet you could hear a needle drop.

She's not sure if she's even breathing.

"However," The high wizard continues, "We have a few witnesses who have claimed their rights to speak on your behalf. First, Miss Hermione Granger."

His head snaps up and their eyes meet.

He looks sick… and tired…

"Miss. Granger. Have you made the oath to speak only the truth and nothing but the truth, here today."

She clears her throat… now if ever is time for the infamous Gryffindor Courage, "Yes."

"How do you know the convicted, Miss. Granger?"

"We went to school together."

"You were a Gryffindor, Miss?"

She nods.

"And Mr. Malfoy a Slytherin. Were you friends?"

"No, not exactly. We were kind of enemies, sir."

"So, tell us, Miss, why are you here then?"

She tells them the whole story. Begins from their school days to things he was forced to do as a minor, to the pained looks in his face… then tells them about the manor, his reluctance to identify them… and then the whole story how he saved her and kept her safe… how they researched the hollows and found out he was the master of the Elder Wand… how he fought on her side in the war against the Death Eaters… and how finally she sent him to make sure Harry wins Voldemort."

When she stops the hall stays silent.

"Miss. Granger, you told us you lost all your memories last spring?"

"Yes, but I got them back a few months later."

The look on the faces of the jury worries her… is her story not convincing enough?

And it hits her: They don't believe her!

"It's a whole new point of view miss. but I must remind you that for a good part of the time your testimony is based on, you lacked your memories. Supporters of Voldemort are known to be masters of mind arts and Mr. Malfoy here is told to be skilled in occlumency. Has it occurred to you, that he might have used your fragile state for his advantage?"

They think just like Ron!

The marks they carry will brand them forever!

She was wrong!

But it's not the time to give up just yet.

"Yes, but I have my memories now! I would know!"

"Not if he modified the memory for you."

"No, he didn't!"

"And how can you possibly know that, Miss. Granger?"

"I can testify it under Veritaserum if you want me to!"

She's getting desperate, they need to believe her!

"The truth serum doesn't help if you already think it happened."

"But you have no proof it didn't!" She fights.

"But the mark in his arm. It's proof enough for his support for the dark arts."

"A mark he got as a minor to save his family! At least others can testify for that too! It's not just my opinion! He was in an impossible situation, sir! We all know…"

"Miss. That is an assumption!"

"So is the claim he's into dark arts because he has the mark!"

She's not going to give up! They need to see reason! They need to understand!

"Do the marks we carry brand us for life?" She asks looking at the jury, "Does this," she bares her hand to show her mudblood scar, "Forever tell the world how inferior I'm? How I have to constantly fight for my right for magic? Or Harry Potter, who won the war for us, he has a mark too. And that mark was a Horcrux, is he forever responsible for carrying the Dark Lord's soul inside of him, and therefore making it possible for him to come back? Do the cuts from your teenager angst forever mark you as mentally ill or depressed? Do the tattoos taken in drunken dare saying 'Love, live, laugh' forever tell people what kind of a person you are?"

It's not the same, she knows! But she wants to make a point!

"If you think of yourself as a sixteen-year-old… the decisions you made then… are you proud of all of them? Did you always do the right thing? Are you the same now? Would you make the same decisions now? No! We mature and we learn! We make mistakes to know better next time! We do stupid things when we think we have no choice! And children should be judged as children! Think for yourselves, what would you have done if the Dark Lord personally threatened to kill your family, if you refused to follow him? Would you have said no, knowing what's the price?"

"Thank you, miss. Granger, I think we've heard enough!"

Before she can say anything more, she is lead out in a small room in the back and left alone.

"He's not a criminal!" She screams aloud, "Look at his memories and you'll see!"

The wait for Harry feels like an eternity.

When he finally comes, she jumps up and rushes to him, "Did they believe you?"

He nods and a stone on her heart gets a bit lighter.

"I showed them my memories… and Snape's."

"Snape's?"

"The ones about him and Dumbledore knowing what Malfoy was supposed to do and doing nothing to help him."

"And yours?"

He nods again, "From the night Dumbledore died and from the war when he made me disarm him."

"Do you think…" She pauses, "Do you think that's enough?"

Harry studies her for a while, "You know what? I don't like him… I wouldn't care what happens… but for your sake, I hope it is."

She smiles at him sadly, "Thank you, Harry!"

"But if he gets free, I'm not going to be the one to try and be his friend!"

She even chuckles a little.

Maybe they've now done their share… she can only hope it's enough! 


	21. Unchain and fly

Surreal…

That's how everything feels when they slip in the back row with Harry.

Like this has just all been one too long nightmare…

She hopes she could just wake up and this would all be over… and he'd be next to her.

Harry takes her hand.

"You're shaking." He whispers.

And she has no answer… because yes, she does and no, she doesn't have any way to stop it.

The High wizard stands up.

She closes her eyes and lets out a shaky breath…

"Draco Lucius Malfoy. The jury has made its decision. Once the sentence has been declared, it's final. Is there some final words you would like to say for yourself Mr. Malfoy?"

She opens her eyes to see him shake his head.

She hopes he would look up... but he doesn't…

And the High wizard goes on: "Based on the statements from you and witnesses here today, the Wizengemont has decided that you are, in fact, guilty of most charges placed upon you. However, we take into consideration that you were a minor during most of these events, and that you were forced to act under pressure from the Dark Lord, who threatened to kill your family. Since he made those threats when you were still legally a child, the Wizengamont believes you saw yourself in a situation where you had no other choice than to follow commands."

She's holding her breath…

"The jury also wanted to take into account your recent acts to stop the Dark Lord and help Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, risking your own life while doing so. Mrs. Bones?"

A woman from the jury table stands up.

"The jury has decided, that even when Draco Malfoy can be found guilty for most of the charges placed upon him, he doesn't deserve life in prison. Taking into consideration all recent events we sentence Draco Lucius Malfoy six months of house arrest, in a house of his choosing. After that Mr. Malfoy will be in constant surveillance from the ministry for two years. If, during that time, he shows no signs of dark arts we consider him free of all charges."

She breathes in and collapses her head to her knees.

That's it!

This is finally it!

And he got away with house arrest!

She wants to run to him, but she feels like all the energy has been sucked out of her.

All this time… and now he's finally… well, not free literally… but as good as!

"Hermione, I can't feel my fingers!" Harry whispers.

"Sorry!" She mumbles and let's go of his hand.

"Maybe you should go to him?" Harry shrugs.

That's about the only thing she knows she should do!

The only thing she wants to do…

Other than that it's all a bit blurry... 

"Thank you, Harry!" She hugs him close and then walks out of the courtroom, with a step, much lighter than in months!

.

.

.

House arrest… for the next six months.

That's his final sentence.

And it feels completely surreal.

He gets to even choose which house he's going to live in from now on.

And he tells them, in his mother's cottage, if it's still standing.

Now he's standing outside the ministry, sunshine hitting his eyes… feeling all unreal.

He's tired… and hungry… and dehydrated…and dirty… and the sun already burns his skin.

But he's not going back to Azkaban!

And it's all thanks to her and Potter.

She isn't here now… like he hoped she would be.

He's not even sure if she was there to hear the final decision.

Not that he would blame her… she has already endured too much because of him.

If she doesn't want anything to do with him… he understands that too.

Doesn't like it… but understands.

People passing him are staring… and he supposes he looks like shit.

Only the thought of apparating now feels exhausting… He's not sure if he should even try that…

Maybe he should try to contact Blaise or Theo… But how?

It's like his mind isn't working completely… like the month in Azkaban has dulled his brain.

"Master is FREE!"

Suddenly there is are small hands around his legs.

"Dipsy, how did you get here?!"

The elf looks up with watery eyes and a big smile, "Dipsy came to get master home! Come, come!"

The cottage stands on the edge of the meadow, just like before.

No one has blown it to pieces.

A little further a lake glisters in August sunshine.

It looks tranquil and calling.

But he knows already it's not the same… because she's not there.

He's not sure if she'll ever be again… and he misses her already.

All the lonely days and nights in Azkaban… he endured them… because of her.

Just imagining her face, as she stood in the stony room, reaching for him… and her desperate cry for her love, when he was dragged away… it was enough.

It kept him sane.

But she wasn't his to keep… like he had always known…

So, the memory of her has to be enough.

The door creaks as he opens it… and steps into the memories.

There's someone here… He feels it the moment the door closes.

No sounds… but the feeling that he's not alone.

So, he pulls out his wand… and tip-toes around the corner to the kitchen.

For a moment he's almost certain this is a dream.

She's wearing a flowing summer dress… her hair is up in a messy knot and she's smiling at him, so brightly he thinks she can outshine the sun.

"Hey." She says and he lets his wand clatter to the ground as he reaches for her.

After what feels like ages… after the horror and death and darkness and war… she's the salvation!

And she's here.

She didn't leave!

She stayed!

On second thought, he's not sure why he thought she wouldn't…

Suddenly it feels worth it! Worth all the pain and suffering! Because she's here in his arms and she's alive and real… and whole!

She's here, with her memories! Because she wants to be here!

"I'm here…" She whispers against his neck, "I'm here and I remember..."

She leans a bit further to look him in the eyes.

"And this me, this who remembers! This me loves you!"

And he thinks his heart has never felt lighter as he answers: "And I… I've loved you all along!"

Then he leans down and kisses her with all he's got.

.

.

.

Who would have thought that six months of house arrest could be the best thing that ever happened to him?

But they are! Because she stays with him.

And no one is after them… and the war is over… so even with the house arrest, they're free.

Free, unlike they've ever been before.

The late summer days they spent in the yard, or by the lake.

The sunshine glistering in her hair and eyes…And he thinks he can live a lifetime just looking at her, wild curls bouncing as she runs barefoot in the meadow.

Sometimes he thinks that maybe they both died, and this is the afterlife.

Because surely real life can't be this good.

But it is…

They invite Blaise and Theo over and spend long days bickering and playing games and joking around… they read and cook… and she even gets the whole set of Hogwarts seventh year-books and makes them all study with her.

As the fall comes, she makes plans to get to Australia to get her parents when his house arrest ends, and he couldn't agree more. And maybe they'll go meet his mother too… when the time is right…

"I want to travel the world, Draco!" She tells him.

"So, let's!" He answers.

Because what's stopping them?

They are young and wealthy and most of all free to do what they want!

And they've done more than their fair share for the Wizarding world… for now, at least…Probably it can manage a while on its own!

She tries to fix her relationship with Ron and the other Weasley's, but it's hard, he can see it.

Harry and Ginny visit them a few times though, and even when it's award at first, he finds it surprisingly easy not to tease Potter in every chance he gets.

After the six months arrest, he can reluctantly say that even if he and Potter will never be the best of friends, they are now somehow acquaintances at least.

It seems to make her happy, so he'll take that.

.

.

.

She has never been happier… never this free… never this content.

But there's one thing that doesn't seem to leave her alone.

Death…

Was she really dead? How could she come back? What really happened? What if this is not real at all?

She voices her worries to him… but he knows as little as she does… so all he can tell her is not to worry.

And she tries not to…

And she's so happy!

But it weights her… and in her nightmares, she dies over and over again…

Stands on the platform in the mist and is forced to board the train.

After months and months Draco finally gets tired of her worrying and tells her that, maybe just sometimes there are things, she can't find answers to. Maybe there are things she should just accept and move on. That she can't let the unknown bother her life forever.

They fight about it… badly.

She yells at him, that he can't possibly know what she's going through!

And finally leaves banging the door shut behind her.

Of course, she comes back… of course, she apologizes… and to her surprise, so does he.

But after that fight she finally let's go of it.

Maybe someday she'll find the answer… but for now, things are good. So why ruin them with worrying?

.

.

.

Then he's arrest finally ends and she makes him board an airplane and laughs brightly to his distress.

So brightly he almost forgets what he's worried about.

And as the plane takes off it's all ahead of them.

He gave her another life… and in a way, she did the same for him…

And now, they'll live!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it! The End!   
> Thank you so much for staying with my story!   
> I hope you liked it!   
> Kisses!


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